Getting along with in-laws

[Anonymous]

I never had any issues with my in-laws until I had a baby and then everyone's true colors started to show. There are several dynamics at play with MIL, and SIL and BIL, but mainly I feel they are inconsiderate and don't think about me and DH....it is their needs/wants and what is most convenient for them. DH as had numerous conversations but nothing seems to give, and quite frankly, I don't really want (or care) to make any effort anymore...but there are children involved and I feel I should be the bigger person (i.e., not let it bother me for the sake of DD having a relationship with her grandmother and cousins). For those who have more difficult relationships with their in-laws, how do you rise above it?

[Anonymous]

The proximity of my in laws makes things difficult for me, first of all, as they live 20 minutes away, and my MIL in particular acts as if we had three children for her to enjoy in the way that most befits her. Over the years, I have always endeavored to act classy, be diplomatic, and stand firm on the issues that are the most important to me. Pick your battles. I also stopped feeling that I needed to do every event and every holiday and every special thing my in laws want to happen. I never tell my DH he can't see them, he is free to go and take one or two or three of the children with him if he feels like dropping by their house, but I have started tailoring my visits over the years to trying to stick to the big events like Christmas and Thanksgiving and Easter. As my kids have gotten older, each of them have decided on their own whether they their grandmother annoying (my oldest is 13 and can't stand her for many of the same reasons, but she stays polite but is distant, while my 9 year old son still enjoys his local grandparents company but prefers my mom). My MIL really shot herself in the foot with my littlest by pushing herself on her all the time. My LO is 4 now, and she avoids my MIL like crazy. For my own sanity, when we do the big events, I try to stay happy and pleasant and focus on the kids, and try to have my husband spend as much time with his family as possible – otherwise, he will complain that my attitude is keeping him from his family, which is not something I want to do, but I can see why he might think that. All in all, it's a pain, and I envy my BIL and his wife who don't live locally and really don't have to deal with a lot of the crap.

[Anonymous]

Decide what you ARE willing to do, and then invite them to do that. You don't need to inform them or explain to them why certain gatherings won't work. Just say "oh that sounds fun, but that doesn't work for us right now. Would you like to come for brunch on the 19th?". I find turning down an invite but then extending one works well.

I also don't travel to them if I can help it. But I don't tell them this. I just plan things that are closer to our house and invite them. If they don't want to to travel, that's on them. They live 45-60 mins away. I don't want to to go to their house more than about 4 times a year, but I'd never TELL them this. I just make sure that doesn't really happen.

I also separate out my feelings of annoyance about things they do to me from their relationship with my DD. They LOVE my DD and are really wonderful grandparents. Even if they drive me nuts, it's good for my DD to have such loving people in her life. I make that my mantra when dealing with my MIL making rude comments to me about my haircut or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Can you be more specific about what the issues are? (Visits, expectations during visits, gifts, phone calls/Face Time)?

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry things are difficult. I empathize. One day I just decided that trying so hard was exhausting and wasn't appreciated by my in-laws anyway. I just stick to attending large family events as much as I can. It doesn't help that they are local and there are days I wonder if our lives would be less strained if we lived elsewhere, but c'est la vie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The proximity of my in laws makes things difficult for me, first of all, as they live 20 minutes away, and my MIL in particular acts as if we had three children for her to enjoy in the way that most befits her. Over the years, I have always endeavored to act classy, be diplomatic, and stand firm on the issues that are the most important to me. Pick your battles. I also stopped feeling that I needed to do every event and every holiday and every special thing my in laws want to happen. I never tell my DH he can't see them, he is free to go and take one or two or three of the children with him if he feels like dropping by their house, but I have started tailoring my visits over the years to trying to stick to the big events like Christmas and Thanksgiving and Easter. As my kids have gotten older, each of them have decided on their own whether they their grandmother annoying (my oldest is 13 and can't stand her for many of the same reasons, but she stays polite but is distant, while my 9 year old son still enjoys his local grandparents company but prefers my mom). My MIL really shot herself in the foot with my littlest by pushing herself on her all the time. My LO is 4 now, and she avoids my MIL like crazy. For my own sanity, when we do the big events, I try to stay happy and pleasant and focus on the kids, and try to have my husband spend as much time with his family as possible – otherwise, he will complain that my attitude is keeping him from his family, which is not something I want to do, but I can see why he might think that. All in all, it's a pain, and I envy my BIL and his wife who don't live locally and really don't have to deal with a lot of the crap.

You sound like a real treat