feeling disappointed in DH's reaction and support
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Anonymous
| I have been under tremendous stress at work (well above the normal stuff). Despite how much I have verbalized this to DH, he has been very detached and removed from me. What I really need is support, meaning emotional support (example - you are doing great, it will be fine, I will support you no matter what you decide). Or a hug... It's like he has entirely pulled back from me emotionally, and I can not express how hurt and disappointed I am. I have told him, but of course, he is defensive and says that he is supporting me and b/c I am stressed, he is trying to steer clear of me. It feels really hard right now to be able to get over this hurt, b/c, although we have been very fortunate to date, stresses and bad times will occur in the future. It's just one of these moments where I really am looking at the situation and wondering why, after 15 years of marriage, I feel like this. I really just want to get it off my chest and am looking for some constructive thoughts. I am not a damsel in distress, by any means, but really feel like I need him to step in and help reassure me on both the work and personal front, but we seem to be at a stale mate. |
Anonymous
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Maybe he feels helpless and doesn't know what to do. I know you don't need for him to do anything, but some men don't know how to deal with being just emotionally supportive. They feel like they need to fix it for you or say something that will make it all better, and they can't. So, they pull back.
Just a thought. Have no idea if this is your DH or not. |
Anonymous
You have told him how you feel and what would help you out, and he is still reluctant to help? So he won't give you a hug if you ask for one? I'm sorry if I sound obtuse I'm just trying to get it clear. My husband is quite detached and aloof and has to be told how to support as he is not naturally affectionate. He will love it if I give him a big hug or kiss his face, but he was adopted and has an inherent fear of abandonment or rejection and it informs his behavior. Also some guys just don't know how to express support. They think just listening quietly is doing that job. So its sometimes about shifting your expectations of what he should be doing and being crystal clear about what you need him to do. I hope this is helpful. I'm sure someone with better advice will turn up. |
Anonymous
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OP you sound like a smart person, no one deserves to feel hurt and abandoned, but your post makes me wonder if you are not seeing something in the big picture.
I wonder if he's pulled back as a protection or a passive aggressive statement. Is there a chance that he's burnt out of being supportive, or that he thinks the support is a one way street, he isn't appreciated ? Next time you both talk, make sure ask him what he is feeling. |
Anonymous
Tis is so true. May not be yout DH, OP, but it was my guess too. |
Anonymous
| Read a John Gray book. Be specific with him regarding what you need and want him to do. |
Anonymous
| Op, talk to girlfriends, go talk to a therapist. Not everyone has the capacity to give you what you need - even a husband - even when you spell it out for him. It doesn't make him bad. It means he has faults. Everyone does. |
Anonymous
| OP how are you when he has work stress? Do you offer emotional support and/or hug him? Just curious. |
Anonymous
+1 You can't rely on others to complete your feelings. You have to be whole and therapy can help. Any additional support he brings is great. You sound needy and that's a turnoff. |
Anonymous
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I know this isn't what you want to hear, but a hard thing that I have been forced to learn is that no one really cares how hard I work or how much I struggle.
If he's really being cold, you might try couples counseling to improve his ability to under and communicate. Also, try to be brutally honest about your motivation about all of the extra work you do. Either it makes you money, or it makes you happy. If you're trying to attain some kind of status or impress someone, you will always be disappointed. |
Anonymous
| Yes op blame your DH that will make your marriage last. You need some self reflection...what are you like to be around right now? You are most likely driving him away and blaming him for nit reading your mind...not really fair. |
Anonymous
| You told him what you needed and for some reason at this moment, he can't help you out. Move past it, find a friend or family member to reach out to. Your husband can't be your rock right now. |
Anonymous
| Most of these responses are a bunch of bullshit! He is her spouse. He isn't expected to be perfect but he has to engage! |
Anonymous
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So my DH can't (won't) offer support if he doesn't feel it makes a difference. (This is why so many guys go straight to the "here's how you fix it" or "what can I do" approach.) He needs to know that he's not just pouring effort into a void, which is why the support for support's sake isn't forthcoming. He claims it is too frustrating for him. That is not my instinct in how to deal with people, but it seems pretty hardwired into him. He is a low-frustration type of guy.
I don't ask for support anymore. It is a big gulf. I'd go ahead and try the counseling and John Grey and all that, but if my case has any lesson, it is not to expect that these steps necessarily will change him. Needless to say, our marriage is poor. |
Anonymous
| A lot of men take this as criticism of them because they will want to fix it and can't. Not excusing, just offering a possible explanation. |