I am worried ex is mentally and physically abusing our dc

[Anonymous]

Ex is an attractive narcissist. He is very good at manipulation and lies. And long story short, child reports hitting then changes story. dad admits to spankings which in my experience means that is the least of what he does. Without any bruising, what can I do? DC is less than 5 so I understand that testimony can be suspect. But knowing dad, I know teaching DC to lie or denying reality is definitely employed. Help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ex is an attractive narcissist. He is very good at manipulation and lies. And long story short, child reports hitting then changes story. dad admits to spankings which in my experience means that is the least of what he does. Without any bruising, what can I do? DC is less than 5 so I understand that testimony can be suspect. But knowing dad, I know teaching DC to lie or denying reality is definitely employed. Help?

Call CPS and let them investigate. You don't have to say anything to him about it.

[Anonymous]

Talk to your divorce attorney about how to document. I would be very cautious about calling CPS without any physical evidence. Narcissistic people will deny anything and make crazy accusations against you. I wouldn't have the confidence that, absent some kind of evidence, CPS could figure out his narcissism.

[Anonymous]

Agree - call CPS and let them investiage. Just for reference, in DC, if it's done with an open hand and doesn't leave a mark, it's legal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree - call CPS and let them investiage. Just for reference, in DC, if it's done with an open hand and doesn't leave a mark, it's legal.

Like anywhere? Even on the face? Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to your divorce attorney about how to document. I would be very cautious about calling CPS without any physical evidence. Narcissistic people will deny anything and make crazy accusations against you. I wouldn't have the confidence that, absent some kind of evidence, CPS could figure out his narcissism.

OP, this is my worry. Last time I confronted him, he said I was lying, making stories up, putting this in DC's head, etc. So I had to just write down any mentions and wait. The problem is, call it intuition, I know something is going on. But DC loves dad. But something is up, because dad is looping me into spanking conversations now in front of DC, which is weird, because he knows I don't spank or want to. And he's trying to unite us as both spankers with DC. I'm worried. I want to protect DC but i just know with someone whose whole family is as good as he is about denial and lying, I'm going to lose. And before anyone asks, I was stupid, and young and didn't value my own instincts. Every time something was weird and they shot me down and denied it, I believed them. It didn't happen until we were divorced, and I saw all they're all capable of, till I understood that for years, I was mislead, gaslighted and mentally abused. And that it is their MO. And there is not a day that I don't regret that I was stupid to not see it, and now have a child in it.

[Anonymous]

Op - get off the internet and act.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to your divorce attorney about how to document. I would be very cautious about calling CPS without any physical evidence. Narcissistic people will deny anything and make crazy accusations against you. I wouldn't have the confidence that, absent some kind of evidence, CPS could figure out his narcissism.

OP, this is my worry. Last time I confronted him, he said I was lying, making stories up, putting this in DC's head, etc. So I had to just write down any mentions and wait. The problem is, call it intuition, I know something is going on. But DC loves dad. But something is up, because dad is looping me into spanking conversations now in front of DC, which is weird, because he knows I don't spank or want to. And he's trying to unite us as both spankers with DC. I'm worried. I want to protect DC but i just know with someone whose whole family is as good as he is about denial and lying, I'm going to lose. And before anyone asks, I was stupid, and young and didn't value my own instincts. Every time something was weird and they shot me down and denied it, I believed them. It didn't happen until we were divorced, and I saw all they're all capable of, till I understood that for years, I was mislead, gaslighted and mentally abused. And that it is their MO. And there is not a day that I don't regret that I was stupid to not see it, and now have a child in it.

This is why I really recommended you consult your attorney. You have to document very carefully. For example, with the spanking conversation -- one way to document is to send an email to DH sort of recapping what was said about spanking and about how you don't spank, it isn't recommended by the doctor, and you hope he isn't using as a disciplinary technique and providing some links to alternative discipline techniques (like time out or whatever is age-appropriate). It's a way to get what he said on the record and come off as a cooperative spouse. You might also consider getting DC to see a psychotherapist. But, that can be a bit tricky; it has to be someone you trust and whom can see the situation for what it is. If DC talks about physical abuse with a psychotherapist, the psych is a mandatory reporter. A child abuse report coming from a mandatory reporter is more reliable than one coming from you. Another technique is to try to have someone with you at child custody exchanges so that there is a witness to your ex's crazy behavior. Try to keep contact to forms that are records (email and texts) rather than phone conversations. But, please, talk to an attorney, because this is a potentially difficult situation.

[Anonymous]

Dad is allowed to spank his child. You may not agree but as a parent its his choice (nor would I agree). There is a difference between spanking and abuse by law (many of us could argue it is abuse but law says its not). I would be very careful to report if you are not sure as if you report too often you will not be taken seriously and it could lead to bigger problems. If chid is being harmed and there are marks and bruises, then you take pictures, take your child at that moment to ER or doctor for documentation then call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad is allowed to spank his child. You may not agree but as a parent its his choice (nor would I agree). There is a difference between spanking and abuse by law (many of us could argue it is abuse but law says its not). I would be very careful to report if you are not sure as if you report too often you will not be taken seriously and it could lead to bigger problems. If chid is being harmed and there are marks and bruises, then you take pictures, take your child at that moment to ER or doctor for documentation then call.

I don't consider spanking child abuse, I do fear dad is doing more, as child has reported more. And just because child doesn't have bruising, doesn't mean child isn't being hit. I know, because I used to get hit as a kid, and I don't recall every beating left marks.

[Anonymous]

Protect your child by whatever needs necessary. Trust your gut. Trust your child. Protect your child and yourself. Stop being dishy washy. The truth is evident and you know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Protect your child by whatever needs necessary. Trust your gut. Trust your child. Protect your child and yourself. Stop being dishy washy. The truth is evident and you know it.

Do you have some suggestions for OP about what exactly she should do?

[Anonymous]

This sucks. I'm sorry OP. Keep looking for bruises. I would take DC straight from drop off to a bath so that can look immediately before being told. Any bruises get a photo taken with time and date stamp, make SURE the child's face is in the picture. Even if it's awkward, otherwise the photo doesn't prove the child had a bruise.

Also, talk to your divorce attorney ASAP about what to do. You may not be able to do anything but keep a running diary of all abuse mentions by the child.

You should also find a therapist for your child(ren), and ask that person what to say, if you should say anything, to your ex. I know that my child's dad tells him to keep secrets from me, and I NEVER report back to my ex when those secrets come out, because I fear the pressure to keep secrets could become worse. My ex was also emotionally abusive, and became physically abusive at the end of our relationship. I would tread very very carefully and seek professional advice. Lawyers and mental health professionals.

There may be a social worker at your child's school that you can ask for resources.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you directly tell your child that being hit is never ok and that you want her to tell you if daddy ever does hit her? And explain that if she is ever told not to tell about being hit that is also not ok? Make sure you're directly telling your child what's not ok and she'll likely feel more comfortable telling you specifics.