How to handle disrespect from a 3yo
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Anonymous
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Could use some outside perspective on how to handle day to day interactions with a 3 year old. I'm always second-guessing myself, and often feel at a loss on how to handle situations, because I'm trying to raise my kids so completely differently from how I was raised (ultra-controlling, strict, corporal punishment, children should be seen and not heard type of thing). The overall thing that bothers me more than anything is her TONE and disrespect and lack of manners for me and DH as well as certain adults.
Examples: 1) DD pushes her sitter when she tries to help her and says, "Get away from me." 2) DD says to me "LEAVE. get out of my room." at bedtime, because she thinks she can coerce DH to read more books and stretch out bedtime longer with him. 3) DD says "That's a BAD dinner, I'm not eating any of that. YUCK. This food is YUCKY." I should note, that had I done any of these things at her age, I would have been beaten severely. Unfortunately I'm the designated disciplinarian in the home, since I'm home with her, and she gets away with a lot more with DH. I do time-outs. But I'm not good at figuring out what to say in response. I feel like other kids her age don't have the nerve to do or say this kind of stuff. I can't even imagine any of her classmates acting the same way. I should also note, that she is at most times super-sweet the majority of the time, but it's like jekkyl and hyde. |
Anonymous
| She is three. They are all like this. Don't worry OP, your kids' peers are equally tough on their own parents. |
Anonymous
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It's normal.
But, you , DH, and the sitter need to be on the same page about how you respond when she does these things. No, you don't have to hit her. For your #2 imo storytime should end immediately and your DH should correct her for speaking to you that way. |
Anonymous
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Natural consequences or ignore the mild stuff (she doesn't want help from the sitter, then can she do it herself?), invoke consequences for the more serious stuff (It's rude to say that about your dinner. You may eat politely or you get no dessert) and figure out where you are making the situation worse (Does DH read longer when you aren't there? Are you being inconsistent?)
And this...this is the key: http://www.webmd.com/parenting/guide/parenting-preschoolers-mistakes "It's easy to hone in on your child's negative actions -- like yelling and screaming -- and ignore the good ones. Altmann says parents tend to focus on what they don't want their preschoolers to do. "They'll say, 'Don't hit. Don't throw. Don't say 'poopy pants,'" she says. Fix it: Notice when your child is doing something positive, and reward the good behavior. The reward for positive actions can be your praise, or it can be giving your child a big hug or kiss. "Those types of things really go a long way with preschoolers," Altmann says. Tell your child, "I like the way you sat quietly and listened," or "That was good when you were so friendly to the child on the playground."" |
Anonymous
| First, I wouldn't think of it so much as disrespectful, that's too mature a concept for a three-year-old. It's a combination of poor impulse control, trying to exert control over her circumstances, and flexing a bit of social/emotional muscle as she's figuring out how people react to her. One of the biggest things to keep in mind is to keep your cool, model appropriate behavior for her, offer positive reinforcement when she shows more appropriate behavior (which sometimes is simply apologizing for bad behavior), and maintain firm boundaries so that she doesn't get a reward, directly or indirectly, from her bad behavior. So if she hurls the yucky dinner line, you could respond by saying, "Larla, that's a mean thing to say. I worked hard on this dinner, it's not nice to say mean things about it, and you owe me an apology. As for dinner, you know the rule is X, so when you do X, you can be done eating." If she then apologizes, show appreciation for the apology, and then try to move on from the incident and give her a chance to show you a better attitude. If she refuses to apologize, you'll have to adapt to whatever she says instead. |
Anonymous
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1) DD pushes her sitter when she tries to help her and says, "Get away from me." - say "Hey! We don't talk to people like that. How can you tell your sister you don't want her help in a nice way?"
2) DD says to me "LEAVE. get out of my room." at bedtime, because she thinks she can coerce DH to read more books and stretch out bedtime longer with him. CAN she coerce DH to read more books? Hopefully the answer is no. But DH needs to tell her "Larla, you may NOT talk to Mommy that way. If you want someone to leave your bedroom what is a nice way you can say that?" 3) DD says "That's a BAD dinner, I'm not eating any of that. YUCK. This food is YUCKY." You don't say whether or not she eats it. First time she does it "It is a lot of work to make dinner for the family, and you need to respect that. If you don't like it, you take a no thank you bite to try and you keep your negative opinions to yourself. If you don't, you don't have to eat dinner with us." Second time she does it. "Okay, then go to your room. Bye." And hustle her off to her bedroom. AFTER everyone has finished eating and left the table bring her back and say "I was not kidding when I said you can't talk badly about meals cooked. This is dinner. Are you hungry?" At the age of 3, I generally ignored tone and focused more on actual words the kids say. Although they're old enough to throw attitude, explaining it is a hard concept. The most I say about attitude is "Say those words again nicely." If they don't understand I say the same sentence, once with attitude, once without, so they can really grasp the difference. Keep in mind that kids save their worst behavior for the home, and for the person they're closest with, so I bet her classmates unleash all sorts of shit at home. I bet her classmates parents can't imagine your DD saying this stuff. |
Anonymous
| Not the OP but I found these replies helpful. I struggle with this with my 2.5 year old. |
Anonymous
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Just commiseration. My 3 year old boy has started doing this too. Don't touch me! Go Away! Get out of my room! Leave me alone! I hear all those things. If it's directed at me or someone else, I usually say something like, " It sounds like you want to me to leave your room. Can you think of a kinder way to ask me?" And he'll do it (usually).
Takes patience, and man, I'm often short on it! |
Anonymous
| Three year olds are assholes. It's not a lie. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
| I grew up in a volitile household and found therapy helpful in processing the chasm between the dynamic I was raised with and how I parent my 3 year old. Agree with prior posters - this doesn't sound like disrespect from a 3 year old, more like expressiveness and testing reactions. We respond to claims of "yucky" with you don't have to eat it but that's dinner. Sometimes a low effort staple choice is offered - peanut butter toast or cereal/banana for example. We respond to requests to leave her alone by honoring those requests when we can yet also sticking to very set routines for bedtime/stories/lights out/ etc. I'm sorry for the abuse you suffered. |
Anonymous
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It is NOT NORMAL for your child to talk to you and others like this - where is she hearing this type of interaction? "Get away from me" ?! I'm so tired of people acting like brats are the norm. I do not know any children who act like this, sorry. Get some discipline going in your household.
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Anonymous
+1 This is bratty behavior. I'm horrified that most people think this is normal behavior. |
Anonymous
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I think this is normal behavior but does need to start being addressed. 3 year olds are really seeking to assert their independence, and if she can tell this type of thing bothers you, it probably makes her more prone to do it than other kids might. On the other hand, 3 year olds are also still experimenting with and learning language, and so some of their tone and phrasing has to be taken with a grain of salt. I remind myself frequently that my 3-year-old doesn't mean to be disrespectful when he says something like, "Mommy, pick that up," instead of, "Can you please pick that up?"
In my opinion, the best thing to do is to remind her regularly but kindly how to say things nicely and to point out calmly when things are not nice. She's still learning what's nice and not -- I think in particular that your #2 example is a case where she isn't trying to be rude but is more focused on outcome. Saying something like, "That's not a nice way to ask. It hurts my feelings. What could you say instead?" will help her (after you model a few times what she could say, like, "Can you please leave now?") I would also try to make a joke of it more often than not -- maybe act mock offended. The more she sees that it pushes your buttons, the more she will do it. And I really think that most of this is NOT a case of being "bratty" but of just thinking more about outcome than wording. If you can make a joke of it while pointing out that the phrasing is not very nice, she'll be less likely to continue it in the future. |
Anonymous
It's normal for some children to speak like this it's well within the range of testing boundaries that happens at about 2 and 3 years of age. The problem comes when the parents don't crack down on the behavior, or as in the case of OP one parent disciplines and the other is a "softie" |