Parents Disengaging from Me
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Anonymous
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I used to have a pretty decent relationship with my parents. But, for the last two years, my relationship with them become more strained. We used to speak on the phone a few times a week, but now, they never, I mean never, call me. I am always the one to call, and if I don't, they go for weeks without talking to me. Lately, every time I have called, my mother screens the call and never calls me back. A couple of times when I have caught her, she makes some excuse about getting in the shower or that she will call me back, but she never does. I have managed to talk to my dad a few times, and the conversations were fine, so I don't know. You would think that they would want to know how my DD, their granddaughter is doing, but they show very little interest (while lavishing an unbelievable amount of attention on my sister's DS). They send her cheap afterthought gifts and basically have nothing to do with her life. We see them a few times a year, and during those visits, my dad is usually OK, but my mother's behavior ranges from downright rude and critical to quiet and indifferent. She spends half the time talking in an "in your face" way about how great and successful certain people she knows are. She might as well add a "and you're not" at the end of each sentence. My dad interacts well with my DD, but my mom always seems distant and is openly critical of me, my daughter, and how I am raising her.
I have asked my mother if anything is wrong, and she always says no, stop asking. I have asked my dad too and he says that everything is fine. So, I talked to my sister, and she thinks that my mother is disappointed that at our age (40s), we don't live in a big house or have lots of money and big-time careers (I am now a SAHM). She has always been a bit of a snob about those things, and I think that she had dreams of me being rich, but I can't believe that a mother would act that way to her child and grandchild over socioeconomic issues. What should I do? I haven't talked to them in weeks, and, at my Dad's invitation, we are supposed to go there for Thanksgiving. I can't even get a hold of my mother to discuss travel plans. This is so ridiculous! |
Anonymous
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You should back off. They are distancing themselves from you and you are trying to force the relationship. You asked them what was wrong and they said "nothing." That's EXTREMELY hurtful of them, but there isn't much you can do to force anyone into a closer relationship. I'd call once a week and send pictures when I had them, but I would back off otherwise. If they don't call you back, let it go. Focus on the beautiful child in front of you. Focus on your friends. Focus on your community.
For Thanksgiving, give each parent a call and say "Hey, we need to plan Thanksgiving, call me back." If they don't call you back, give them another call and say "Hey, if I don't here from you by X day, it will be too late for me to make plans. If you don't call me back, I'll have to cancel." If they don't call you back then don't go. Make other plans. If they call you at the last minute to plan Thanksgiving, don't do it. Stick to your plans. |
Anonymous
| You don't know, there might be financial or health problems they don't feel comfortable sharing. |
Anonymous
OP here-yeah, the health thing worries me. They have a history of keeping health scares/problems from me. Sometimes, I have been the last to know and/or it has come out in a guilt-inducing way during an argument ("Did you know that your father has . . .") or I hear it through my same cousin after all of the rest of the family knows. But, knowing this, I have asked about their health, and they have said it is fine. My dad has a few manageable health conditions, but my sister does not seem to be aware of anything else. And, my parents seem to be fully engaged with everyone else in the family, just not me. They could be lying to me, of course, though. It makes me sad when I see all of the messages on FB about how thrilled some people are to be grandparents and how much they love their grandchildren. I am so sorry that my DD is not on the receiving end of that. |
Anonymous
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I'd talk to your Dad about everything you've written. Say you've noticed your mother is clearly distancing herself from you and your family and you're hurt by it. Then see what he says. If he tells you that's not true, don't try to talk him into it. Just say it's very clear to you, and you're hurt, and you'd appreciate someone being honest with you about why.
If they can't or won't do that, I'd find a good therapist and distance myself. This sounds really hard OP, I'm sorry. How is your relationship with your sister? |
Anonymous
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Is it because they're growing older and their other grandchildren are geographically closer to them, so that's who they focus on? As you age, your world shrinks and your memory and planning skills starts decreasing - which means that people they don't see often may not be included or thought about as often. But I agree that your mother screening your calls and not calling you back is indicative of resentment and anger. Do you have the impression that you somehow annoy her over the phone, and that this is why she doesn't want to talk to you? |
Anonymous
| My sister might write something similar. She relied greatly on our parents, especially our mom, as her primary emotional support and was generally needy. Several years ago, my parents seemed to give up on the 'launch' and just generally cut the emotional support to create some distance. Obviously, no clue if there is any similarity to your situation - just wanted to offer another perspective. |
Anonymous
| I'd want to hear the parents' side before I commented. Maybe you have ongoing issues that have finally driven your parents into having to put more distance between you. Maybe your mom is a narcissist who is doing the narcissist routine of cutting out people who they don't feel reflect well on them. |
Anonymous
| So hard. I'm sorry, OP. |
Anonymous
| I also think it might be heath-related. My Dad started doing that just before he started getting sick, and then was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. It was probably an unconscious move on his part, but I remember him screening my calls, and instead of calling me back, he'd send a text. Maybe it's a way to preserve their energy for a big battle looming. So, there may not be a diagnosed health issue now, but it might appear within the next year or so. |
Anonymous
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This just started 2 years ago?
Methinks there is more to this story. OP, you probably did something to offend them, and don't even realize it. |
Anonymous
| Did you once live close to your family and recently move away? Does your sister live in the same city as your parents? They may be resentful you're so far away. |
Anonymous
This is ridiculous OP and says a lot about how they treat you. My sense is that you did something they weren't happy with and now they're punishing you until you fix it. You could drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what it is. Like pp said, I would back off for a while and see what happens. I'm sorry you are going through this. |
Anonymous
Op. This doesn't make you sound a little not-so-reasonable. "Other people" - this is unimportant. Other thing you said are important. However you are just going to have to go-along with the card you are dealt. Do not agonize over what should be. Concentrate on what you know: You know you'll see them at Thanksgiving. Let go of expectations since it apparently does you no good to have expectations. |
Anonymous
| Meant - - this makes you sound a little not-so-reasonable |