Parents Disengaging from Me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well in your OP you said your mom is "openly critical of me, my daughter and how I am raising her" (or close to this) so not sure why you dismiss the possibility that she really doesn't like how you are parenting.

Not dismissing it, but I think there could be more to it.

Why do you want to talk to someone who is openly critical of you 2/3 times a week?

Why would an adult want to talk to her parents on the phone that often regardless?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well in your OP you said your mom is "openly critical of me, my daughter and how I am raising her" (or close to this) so not sure why you dismiss the possibility that she really doesn't like how you are parenting.

Not dismissing it, but I think there could be more to it.

Why do you want to talk to someone who is openly critical of you 2/3 times a week?

Why would an adult want to talk to her parents on the phone that often regardless?

I'm sorry you're not close to your parents, but I call mine 2 to 3 times a week. They're older and they enjoy the quick chats. Who are you to determine what is an appropriate amount of phone conversation between members of a family?

I do agree that continuing to call someone 2/3 times a week who refuses to answer the phone/or is super critical seems excessive, not to mention self punishing.

Personally, I wouldn't go to Thanksgiving at your parents - at least this year, and at least until you've figured out what is going on.

[Anonymous]

OP, go back and think about what has changed in the last 2 years. Have you moved further away? Did you make a change in your household that they didn't like? Did you quit a good career that they approved of, to SAH with your DD? Especially if they paid for your college and/or grad school and then you threw away a career that you trained for? Have you made a household change that they don't like (maybe fired a nanny they liked or put your daughter in a preschool they don't approve of)?

Chances are since the issues started about 2 years ago, something changed in your life or their relationship to you that has caused this change of heart. Please do a bit of introspection to see if you can flag any life decisions that you've made in the last two years that may have disappointed them so that they've chosen to distance themselves from you. I've seen these situations before and so often it's a decision that the person being abandoned made, that was not approved of by the other side that caused the rift. Not always, but often.

Good luck. The only way to address this is to find out what happened that they disapprove of and try to make amends (if you are willing).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, go back and think about what has changed in the last 2 years. Have you moved further away? Did you make a change in your household that they didn't like? Did you quit a good career that they approved of, to SAH with your DD? Especially if they paid for your college and/or grad school and then you threw away a career that you trained for? Have you made a household change that they don't like (maybe fired a nanny they liked or put your daughter in a preschool they don't approve of)?

Chances are since the issues started about 2 years ago, something changed in your life or their relationship to you that has caused this change of heart. Please do a bit of introspection to see if you can flag any life decisions that you've made in the last two years that may have disappointed them so that they've chosen to distance themselves from you. I've seen these situations before and so often it's a decision that the person being abandoned made, that was not approved of by the other side that caused the rift. Not always, but often.

Good luck. The only way to address this is to find out what happened that they disapprove of and try to make amends (if you are willing).

If she did something the disapprove of and they won't tell her what it was they are extremely passive aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few things you've said make me think that you have expectations of what your parents should be doing in their role as your parents and grandparents and that when they fall short, you let them know. The examples you give that stood out to me: you're calling often enough to get screened out, you think a few weeks between calls requires an explanation, you've asked what's wrong often enough that your mother has asked you to stop and you don't believe your dad when he said there's nothing, you're the last one to find out about illness, you only get that information when it's used defensively - ie, you were asking/demanding an explanation for your expectations not being met.

This scenario can be very taxing on the other party. I've been on the other end of this situation and I'm sure you're confident that what you want out of your parents is reasonable - maybe it is - but it's not what they're offering and they think about they're offering is fine. You can make your peace with it or not, but trying to demand more will get you that exact reaction you're puzzled by - distance. When some one refuses to accept your boundaries and limitations, distance is the only response left in the toolkit.

NP. I understand what you are saying, but why should op's parents' view of what is "enough contact" trump op's view? I have the same issue as op with my father - I would like to talk once a week, to catch up, so he can hear about his grandkids, so that I can be sure he is doing alright. My father, however, wants to talk only a month, if that. So he doesn't call me and doesn't return my calls to him. I am constantly disappointed and hurt for all of the reasons op stated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to have a pretty decent relationship with my parents. But, for the last two years, my relationship with them become more strained. We used to speak on the phone a few times a week, but now, they never, I mean never, call me. I am always the one to call, and if I don't, they go for weeks without talking to me. Lately, every time I have called, my mother screens the call and never calls me back. A couple of times when I have caught her, she makes some excuse about getting in the shower or that she will call me back, but she never does. I have managed to talk to my dad a few times, and the conversations were fine, so I don't know. You would think that they would want to know how my DD, their granddaughter is doing, but they show very little interest (while lavishing an unbelievable amount of attention on my sister's DS). They send her cheap afterthought gifts and basically have nothing to do with her life. We see them a few times a year, and during those visits, my dad is usually OK, but my mother's behavior ranges from downright rude and critical to quiet and indifferent. She spends half the time talking in an "in your face" way about how great and successful certain people she knows are. She might as well add a "and you're not" at the end of each sentence. My dad interacts well with my DD, but my mom always seems distant and is openly critical of me, my daughter, and how I am raising her.

I have asked my mother if anything is wrong, and she always says no, stop asking. I have asked my dad too and he says that everything is fine. So, I talked to my sister, and she thinks that my mother is disappointed that at our age (40s), we don't live in a big house or have lots of money and big-time careers (I am now a SAHM). She has always been a bit of a snob about those things, and I think that she had dreams of me being rich, but I can't believe that a mother would act that way to her child and grandchild over socioeconomic issues.

What should I do? I haven't talked to them in weeks, and, at my Dad's invitation, we are supposed to go there for Thanksgiving. I can't even get a hold of my mother to discuss travel plans. This is so ridiculous!

I see two possibilities here. The first possibility is that your parents are passive aggressive and angry and something really has changed. If they truly NEVER call you; if their gifts to your child are substandard, if they actually denigrate you, this would have my vote. The second possibility is that you are over-sensitive to slight and subtle changes that were not meant to be value judgments. Your mother's time and attention is taken up with other things; you call a lot and they don't call as much; she really was about to take a shower; your feeling that they might as well add an "and you're not" at the end of sentences about other people when they were just making random conversation is oversensitivity on your part.

Which is it? I think your sister's opinion that your mother is disappointed in your lifestyle is just your sister's projections and is meaningless. I think you need to do some thinking about what the hard evidence tells you.

It's not necessary to discuss travel plans unless of course you are flying -- are you?