My petty Thanksgiving complaint

[Anonymous]

For DH's family, Thanksgiving is a sacred holiday. Every one of DH's 50+ years has been with his mom and after meeting him I came along. I like my ILs fine, but it does make me miss my family Thanksgivings, particularly now that my foodie family gets together and enjoys amazing food (oysters and champagne for appetizers, homemade ravioli, perfect turkey and stuffing). I miss them and I envy the food: MIL is a wonderful woman but I hate to say it, really an average cook even though she works very hard at it. And she doesn't really cook stuff I love.

Recently, BIL got married. I love new SIL but every other year now she wants to go to her family's for Thanksgiving. I'm feeling resentful as I gave up Thanksgivings with my family. Plus, my kids don't get to play with BIL's, and other SIL's kids are way older, so they are bored.

And we have to travel 6+ hours for this Thanksgiving, whereas my relative's is just 2 hours away.

Tell me I'm being petty or would love ideas. I feel like also leaving MIL's would kind of make the whole thing fall apart, since it would just leave one family left, so I'm not sure that's a great option, but I can't really tell BIL and SIL to come every year either. Obviously I'm thinking about this because this is a "BIL And SIL go to SIL's family's " year.

[Anonymous]

I woukd want to do every other year with my side of the family. Where are the other holidays spent?

[Anonymous]

Have it with your family and invite your ILs to join you; offer to pay for the hotel.

Or invite both families to YOUR house!

What is your Christmas/other holiday situation?

[Anonymous]

I would definitely alternate years.

Or invite everyone to your house (this is what we do).

[Anonymous]

That's weird that you completely gave up thanksgiving with your family when you married. We alternate years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have it with your family and invite your ILs to join you; offer to pay for the hotel.

Or invite both families to YOUR house!

What is your Christmas/other holiday situation?

I guess that would solve the travel problem, but it would still be a small thanksgiving with teenagers and my toddlers. And MIL would still be cooking, but to top it off in my kitchen. Will think about it though.

DH is Jewish and I'm not, so we do do Xmas with my family (which is probably why I agreed to this in the first place). That said, we do Xmas at my mom's who lives in the south far away from the rest of my family, so it's not really the same as Thanksgiving when the whole family has been getting together at my aunt's nearby.

[Anonymous]

Talk to your DH. Don't obsess or feel resentful about the previous years. You made a choice at that time that worked for your family. Now take steps for this new phase.

[Anonymous]

Alternating years with each family is a completely standard and normal way to handle this. That you let yourself be railroaded into this arrangement by your husband doesn't make your BIL and SIL wrong for coming up with a more balanced arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
For DH's family, Thanksgiving is a sacred holiday. Every one of DH's 50+ years has been with his mom and after meeting him I came along. I like my ILs fine, but it does make me miss my family Thanksgivings, particularly now that my foodie family gets together and enjoys amazing food (oysters and champagne for appetizers, homemade ravioli, perfect turkey and stuffing). I miss them and I envy the food: MIL is a wonderful woman but I hate to say it, really an average cook even though she works very hard at it. And she doesn't really cook stuff I love.

Recently, BIL got married. I love new SIL but every other year now she wants to go to her family's for Thanksgiving. I'm feeling resentful as I gave up Thanksgivings with my family. Plus, my kids don't get to play with BIL's, and other SIL's kids are way older, so they are bored.

And we have to travel 6+ hours for this Thanksgiving, whereas my relative's is just 2 hours away.

Tell me I'm being petty or would love ideas. I feel like also leaving MIL's would kind of make the whole thing fall apart, since it would just leave one family left, so I'm not sure that's a great option, but I can't really tell BIL and SIL to come every year either. Obviously I'm thinking about this because this is a "BIL And SIL go to SIL's family's " year.

OK this year, it's too late. But set it up for next year. If DH is stubborn, just take the kids to your side of the family. You don't have to turn it into a war. If he's never missed a Thanksgiving there, he doesn't want to break his streak. Just let him have his streak and you do your thing with the kids. The kids and you do not have to be there with him--it's a special circumstance and it's not saying anything about the marriage etc. for you to split up for Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

It's okay to shake things up and go to your family's for T-giving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have it with your family and invite your ILs to join you; offer to pay for the hotel.

Or invite both families to YOUR house!

What is your Christmas/other holiday situation?

I guess that would solve the travel problem, but it would still be a small thanksgiving with teenagers and my toddlers. And MIL would still be cooking, but to top it off in my kitchen. Will think about it though.

DH is Jewish and I'm not, so we do do Xmas with my family (which is probably why I agreed to this in the first place). That said, we do Xmas at my mom's who lives in the south far away from the rest of my family, so it's not really the same as Thanksgiving when the whole family has been getting together at my aunt's nearby.

Why would MIL be cooking? It would be at your house, so you cook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's weird that you completely gave up thanksgiving with your family when you married. We alternate years.

This

And now you are resentful that SIL has more of a backbone than you,

[Anonymous]

Celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving in October with your family and in US t-giving in November with DH's.

[Anonymous]

The Jewish angel is tough, since you can't split the holidays since his family doesn't do Xmas. I'd still ask if you can plan to attend your family's every other year. You might have to be prepared to give up Xmas with your family though and stay local for that. Just bring it up for next year. Float the idea now. Gently. Don't push it, just throw it out there that you've been thinking about it.

I also like the offer for you to host everyone (both sides). That could help shake it up and get everyone out of their routines, including your inlaws.

[Anonymous]

You need to start alternating Thanksgivings!! I haven't spent Thanksgiving with my parents in the last 10 years and the resentment is building up. I really, really miss my family's Thanksgivings.