My petty Thanksgiving complaint

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand why OP didn't alternate. My husband LOVES Thanksgiving and it's the only time of the year he sees his extended family. Before we got married he said he would give up Christmas if we could always do Thanksgiving with his family.

Yes it gets tiresome. Must they always dry out the turkey? But sometimes it's not about the food; it's about your spouse. Speaking as someone who understands, suck it up and let it go. The tradition will change soon, as the family ages and loss happens. We hosted for a few years and I was able to control the food and crowd to some extent. I learned not to change too much tradition though.

I'm sorry, I still do not understand how grown folk want to and/or agree to do the same thing for DECADES. There is no way that today, I will know how I want to spend the holidays 10 years from now. I love my family just as much as your husband does, but I cannot imagine saying the only place I will ever spend such and such holiday is with them. Sounds a bit immature and short sighted.

It was pretty clear that we would always do Christmas with my family and Thanksgiving with my DH's family because the logistics were better (ILs are local). And we were going to need to take turns/compromise because grownups compromise. There's nothing immature or short-sighted about that.

My MIL, like OP's, was not a good cook, although she was a dear woman in many ways. She died early last year, and the food at Thanksgiving was much better. That doesn't mean the holiday was better, but I, like some of the other posters hers, realized for years that eating her meh dinners was a small price to pay for getting to have her around AND, even as I realize that, I was acutely aware of how ungood the food was.

Allow me to rephrase, why was it necessary to commit to doing the holidays a certain way FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? What if one year you want to go skiing for the holidays or you want to go to a restaurant instead of someone's house. The whole thing seems rather rigid to me.

You're coming off awfully judgmental. It seems rigid because well, it is. But it also works for us. We can go skiing some other weekend. It's about respecting your spouse and his family. This is what they do everything Thanksgiving. They've done this since before spouse was even born. You may get to change a dish or the location, but the extended family is expected to have Thanksgiving together. I knew this before we married and accepted it. Why did I agree to this tradition for decades? Because it's a small sacrifice to make for your loved one and your marriage. I just wasn't a deal breaker for me.

Aren't you the one complaining about it? But I am judgemental. I guess it was not a deal breaker until it was.
hmmmm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand why OP didn't alternate. My husband LOVES Thanksgiving and it's the only time of the year he sees his extended family. Before we got married he said he would give up Christmas if we could always do Thanksgiving with his family.

Yes it gets tiresome. Must they always dry out the turkey? But sometimes it's not about the food; it's about your spouse. Speaking as someone who understands, suck it up and let it go. The tradition will change soon, as the family ages and loss happens. We hosted for a few years and I was able to control the food and crowd to some extent. I learned not to change too much tradition though.

I'm sorry, I still do not understand how grown folk want to and/or agree to do the same thing for DECADES. There is no way that today, I will know how I want to spend the holidays 10 years from now. I love my family just as much as your husband does, but I cannot imagine saying the only place I will ever spend such and such holiday is with them. Sounds a bit immature and short sighted.

It was pretty clear that we would always do Christmas with my family and Thanksgiving with my DH's family because the logistics were better (ILs are local). And we were going to need to take turns/compromise because grownups compromise. There's nothing immature or short-sighted about that.

My MIL, like OP's, was not a good cook, although she was a dear woman in many ways. She died early last year, and the food at Thanksgiving was much better. That doesn't mean the holiday was better, but I, like some of the other posters hers, realized for years that eating her meh dinners was a small price to pay for getting to have her around AND, even as I realize that, I was acutely aware of how ungood the food was.

Allow me to rephrase, why was it necessary to commit to doing the holidays a certain way FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? What if one year you want to go skiing for the holidays or you want to go to a restaurant instead of someone's house. The whole thing seems rather rigid to me.

You're coming off awfully judgmental. It seems rigid because well, it is. But it also works for us. We can go skiing some other weekend. It's about respecting your spouse and his family. This is what they do everything Thanksgiving. They've done this since before spouse was even born. You may get to change a dish or the location, but the extended family is expected to have Thanksgiving together. I knew this before we married and accepted it. Why did I agree to this tradition for decades? Because it's a small sacrifice to make for your loved one and your marriage. I just wasn't a deal breaker for me.

Aren't you the one complaining about it? But I am judgemental. I guess it was not a deal breaker until it was.
hmmmm

No, I'm not OP. Actually I think there's been a few different PPs on this thread. I'm the one who originally said I knew where she was coming from. OP is allowed to dream about her family's Thanksgiving, but the point I'm trying to make is oysters and champagne are not worth hurting your spouse's feelings. It's a grass-is-always-greener scenario. In her head she may think her family's Thanksgiving is perfect, but I bet if she went, she would regret hurting her in-laws. Sometimes for your marriage, you need to commit to doing the same thing for decades (no sexual pun intended).

[Anonymous]

Would one family consider changing days so you can make it to both? We have t-giving on Friday every year. It works out very well for us in terms of travel and allowing certain parts of the family celebrate with multiple sides...and the grocery store is open if you forgot something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand why OP didn't alternate. My husband LOVES Thanksgiving and it's the only time of the year he sees his extended family. Before we got married he said he would give up Christmas if we could always do Thanksgiving with his family.

Yes it gets tiresome. Must they always dry out the turkey? But sometimes it's not about the food; it's about your spouse. Speaking as someone who understands, suck it up and let it go. The tradition will change soon, as the family ages and loss happens. We hosted for a few years and I was able to control the food and crowd to some extent. I learned not to change too much tradition though.

I'm sorry, I still do not understand how grown folk want to and/or agree to do the same thing for DECADES. There is no way that today, I will know how I want to spend the holidays 10 years from now. I love my family just as much as your husband does, but I cannot imagine saying the only place I will ever spend such and such holiday is with them. Sounds a bit immature and short sighted.

It was pretty clear that we would always do Christmas with my family and Thanksgiving with my DH's family because the logistics were better (ILs are local). And we were going to need to take turns/compromise because grownups compromise. There's nothing immature or short-sighted about that.

My MIL, like OP's, was not a good cook, although she was a dear woman in many ways. She died early last year, and the food at Thanksgiving was much better. That doesn't mean the holiday was better, but I, like some of the other posters hers, realized for years that eating her meh dinners was a small price to pay for getting to have her around AND, even as I realize that, I was acutely aware of how ungood the food was.

Allow me to rephrase, why was it necessary to commit to doing the holidays a certain way FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? What if one year you want to go skiing for the holidays or you want to go to a restaurant instead of someone's house. The whole thing seems rather rigid to me.

You're coming off awfully judgmental. It seems rigid because well, it is. But it also works for us. We can go skiing some other weekend. It's about respecting your spouse and his family. This is what they do everything Thanksgiving. They've done this since before spouse was even born. You may get to change a dish or the location, but the extended family is expected to have Thanksgiving together. I knew this before we married and accepted it. Why did I agree to this tradition for decades? Because it's a small sacrifice to make for your loved one and your marriage. I just wasn't a deal breaker for me.

Aren't you the one complaining about it? But I am judgemental. I guess it was not a deal breaker until it was.
hmmmm

No, I'm not OP. Actually I think there's been a few different PPs on this thread. I'm the one who originally said I knew where she was coming from. OP is allowed to dream about her family's Thanksgiving, but the point I'm trying to make is oysters and champagne are not worth hurting your spouse's feelings. It's a grass-is-always-greener scenario. In her head she may think her family's Thanksgiving is perfect, but I bet if she went, she would regret hurting her in-laws. Sometimes for your marriage, you need to commit to doing the same thing for decades (no sexual pun intended).

oh -- ok, not the op. I understand where you are coming from. I definitely get taking one for the team. HOWEVER, I have also learned that in life sometimes, s*** happens and you have to change things up. Being dug in about only doing things a certain way is a recipe for disaster either now or later. Folks need to be flexible enough to 'get over' doing Thanksgiving differently this year and still comprehend that it in no way means their love of family has decreased. Sometimes my folks ask me to do things to which I have to decline and vice versa. Same goes for my in-laws. Luckily we all understand that sometimes those things happen but still trust in the relationships and our committment to our families, extended and nuclear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand why OP didn't alternate. My husband LOVES Thanksgiving and it's the only time of the year he sees his extended family. Before we got married he said he would give up Christmas if we could always do Thanksgiving with his family.

Yes it gets tiresome. Must they always dry out the turkey? But sometimes it's not about the food; it's about your spouse. Speaking as someone who understands, suck it up and let it go. The tradition will change soon, as the family ages and loss happens. We hosted for a few years and I was able to control the food and crowd to some extent. I learned not to change too much tradition though.

I'm sorry, I still do not understand how grown folk want to and/or agree to do the same thing for DECADES. There is no way that today, I will know how I want to spend the holidays 10 years from now. I love my family just as much as your husband does, but I cannot imagine saying the only place I will ever spend such and such holiday is with them. Sounds a bit immature and short sighted.

It was pretty clear that we would always do Christmas with my family and Thanksgiving with my DH's family because the logistics were better (ILs are local). And we were going to need to take turns/compromise because grownups compromise. There's nothing immature or short-sighted about that.

My MIL, like OP's, was not a good cook, although she was a dear woman in many ways. She died early last year, and the food at Thanksgiving was much better. That doesn't mean the holiday was better, but I, like some of the other posters hers, realized for years that eating her meh dinners was a small price to pay for getting to have her around AND, even as I realize that, I was acutely aware of how ungood the food was.

Allow me to rephrase, why was it necessary to commit to doing the holidays a certain way FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? What if one year you want to go skiing for the holidays or you want to go to a restaurant instead of someone's house. The whole thing seems rather rigid to me.

You're coming off awfully judgmental. It seems rigid because well, it is. But it also works for us. We can go skiing some other weekend. It's about respecting your spouse and his family. This is what they do everything Thanksgiving. They've done this since before spouse was even born. You may get to change a dish or the location, but the extended family is expected to have Thanksgiving together. I knew this before we married and accepted it. Why did I agree to this tradition for decades? Because it's a small sacrifice to make for your loved one and your marriage. I just wasn't a deal breaker for me.

Aren't you the one complaining about it? But I am judgemental. I guess it was not a deal breaker until it was.
hmmmm

No, I'm not OP. Actually I think there's been a few different PPs on this thread. I'm the one who originally said I knew where she was coming from. OP is allowed to dream about her family's Thanksgiving, but the point I'm trying to make is oysters and champagne are not worth hurting your spouse's feelings. It's a grass-is-always-greener scenario. In her head she may think her family's Thanksgiving is perfect, but I bet if she went, she would regret hurting her in-laws. Sometimes for your marriage, you need to commit to doing the same thing for decades (no sexual pun intended).

Or she might be so thrilled to spend Thanksgiving with her family for the first time in years! Sheesh, what is hurtful about getting to see her own family?

[Anonymous]

Either alternate years or set another holiday for your family. My mom owns a bar and family always ends up working on the holidays, with the exception for Thanksgiving. That is the only holiday my mom has with the whole family there. In exchange, my husbands family always gets Christmas Day.

[Anonymous]

In the years when your SIL and BIL are away, is it just your family and DH's parents at their place for Thanksgiving? Maybe on those years you could invite your DH's parents to do Thanksgiving with your family? Just add those two people to the family celebration your side is having?

We spend Christmas every year at my parents, since my inlaws are jewish. And we spend every Thanksgiving with my in-laws. BUT my parents are always invited to the Thanksgiving being held by in-laws. Sometimes it is at my FIL's house, sometimes my BIL's house, sometimes at my house--my parents are always invited and they always come.

[Anonymous]

Alternate. Families change and grow and and it's perfectly reasonable to think about spending it with aging parents or new nieces and nephews. Just don't cite the food if MIL asks why! And on your IL years, bring along some oysters or something special to remind you of your family.

(I always bake my deceased grandma's apple pie when I go to the ILs. MIL has pushed back because she likes buying apple pie from the supermarket :/ Too bad - she gets her kids and grandkids, the least I can do is have grandma's pie.)

[Anonymous]

I suspect that if you also take off the year SIL takes off, the first time will be hard, and then your in-laws will surprise you. They will start taking a fun vacation instead, or choosing one of their children's families to join for the holiday, or move to the remaining child's house for the holiday and let them do the work, or go to the local child's in-laws house, or volunteer at a soup kitchen, or, or, or ...

They might also sit at home and pout forever, but that really seems unlikely to me unless they are just those kinds of people. If they have adjusted to one child being away every other year, they don't seem like unreasonable jerks, so let them help you solve this problem.