NCS Parents - "I wish I had known x" type advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
For the last time: I have never said that you are lying. I get that you are upset and hurting, I really do. But I have not ever said I didn't believe your individual story. I have said that there is no way to tell how widespread the problem is because it is based on posts on an anonymous board. How on earth do you think something being posted on DCUM is necessarily the God's honest truth? To believe anything you read on this board without independent verification is foolish. Yes, it is gossip - unsubstantiated rumors only. I have tried to verify. I have asked about 20 parents across the middle and upper schools for information and gotten zilch. I went from trying to be subtle in March to being blunt by May, and only became so paranoid about this because of this thread. I came up empty-handed. Therefore, I have to believe the evidence I have. And DCUM postings are not evidence. I believe some girls are unhappy. I also believe some girls are unhappy at every school. I do not see this as unique to the NCS culture.

OK, I think I get it now that you've described being paranoid and frantically asking around. You are scared that its true. You very much want to believe it isn't. I hope in your experience it turns out not to be.

I am not the previous poster who went through the progression by years, but it is the pattern I've seen as well. I think there is often some reluctance to speak up because if their daughters have a year or two left, they don't want to be the party pooper. How do you admit your daughter is so unhappy and yet you are putting her through another year and a half of this school? No one else is talking about it, right? Then a few moms start talking about it. In our case that was the beginning of junior year. As the year went on, there were more and more. if a middle school parent asked me, would I have told her my daughter was miserable and i thought it was a toxic environment? No, absolutely not. How do I look you in the eye and tell you that the decision we've both made is a terrible mistake. Especially if you do like the school. Trust me because I have a child at another school that the culture at NCS is unique.

Never mind evidence. I don't even know what you mean by that. In some ways an anonymous source -- such as myself and the others -- is actually more reputable than an identifiable person who is still in the middle of things.

Look, your daughter is there. I hope things work out for her and that you continue to like the school. Perhaps make a mental note to come back here is your experience changes.

As for the other NCS parents who are unhappy -- I am interested in your thoughts on why this state of affairs continues in the face of so, so much unhappiness. My theory is that it is the lack of leadership at the top. I think Kathleen Jamison is disengaged from the life of the school. She doesn't know the kids, she could probably name at most a handful in each grade. I don't know what she does all day -- raise money? -- but she doesn't lead. At STA the head of the school greets students in the morning and shakes their hands. He is a presence in their lives. The school has a leader. NCS does not have a leader and the result is a vacuum that is filled with all sorts of negative elements, a kind of soullessness. I think the only way to improve the situation is to replace her with a real leader who cares about the girls.

Way to put words in my mouth. Nothing frantic about my asking at all. But definitely, the only talk i hear about the mean girls, etc. is on this board - and not among the parents. So I will continue to question all this negativity.

And the poster saying that the only happy girls observed at Flag Day are the mean girls doesn't help your case at all.

[Anonymous]

I know a family who had a child in a school that was not the right fit - school approached them after K and recommended they look into other school options the following year. They stayed for several more years anyway because they thrived on telling anyone and everyone where their child went to school. So many parents in the admissions forum sound as though they are the ones applying to these schools. Then when their child is admitted they constantly hang out at the school, wear the logo gear, plaster every car with bumper stickers because of some dream they have fulfilled.

It's hard for me to grasp why a parent would keep their child in the unhealthy environment that has been described here. It's never "too late" to leave a school - particularly if the environment is truly as horrible as described. If the situation was a little bad, did you think it would actually improve in Junior year? I doubt any parent of a Junior student in the nation would describe that hellish year as anything but.

I'm sure it's hard for independent schools in this town to filter the hyper-competitive parent pool's complaints. Voice your concerns, assess the response, and then act. That may actually effect change. Complaining anonymously, after-the-fact, sounds like misplaced anger IMHO.

[Anonymous]

Disgruntled NCS parent again. We have no stickers on our car. I have no NCS gear. I am not living vicariously through my child. I am not competitive.

It is very difficult to switch schools midyear 11th grade or 12th grade.

I think a lot of folks here are trying to find ways to say the problem is ours -- the parents, the child. If we were different people, it would all be OK. I thought the same thing until I spoke with so many parents whose daughters were having a similar experience.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and as I wrote before, I did try to speak with the school. Do you think they don;t know there's a problem? They absolutely know. Its what they decide to do about it that speaks volumes.

[Anonymous]

I also have voiced complaints...lower school. They have new person coming in, not much can be done till she actually starts. As for middle school they have new person but still problems...not sure what they need to do? It is very much a drop off school,that probably should change. Community. You need one to be successful...

[Anonymous]

They need someone in admissions to have good judgment.

It's easy to armchair quarterback things. I'm not an NCS mom but we know more than 20 families that are there or that have gone through. I'm one to cite their faults and I would pull a child out in middle school but I agree with 20:28, it's very difficult for a parent or girl to choose another school junior year.

I agree there are unhappy girls from even the most balanced of families, but there are many, many girls who have such pressure from home it breaks my heart.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone know why the admissions person is leaving after only one year?

[Anonymous]

NCS mom of many years, multiple DDs here.

Community and anti-stress measures include:

freshman/senior peer groups

limit to 2 APs/year, 3 with special permission

limits on homework (still tinkering with this)

Honor Code rules about no discussing grades

mental health support - probably could be better, but I have seen great effort devoted to having girls support their peers who had been struggling with depression

Some of this works and some of it doesn't. My DDs liked Lower School a lot, Middle School ok, and are/were antsy in Upper School. It's a small school and you can outgrow the social options.

Some of the social limitation is due to the fact that a lot is grade-focused, so it takes either a sports team or an intense effort to get to know people beyond your grade. With only 75-80 per grade, it can be tricky. A dozen or so are very fashion/money-conscious. Another dozen focus on drinking and hooking up. There is a pretty large group that is academically strong and athletically talented, but if you are not in their sport you will never see them, since they finish school sports at 6 and need to do their club sport, dinner, and homework.

Self-esteem issues? Maybe my girls are tougher, but I thought the school did not push them enough. I don't want to see an A, I want to see something novel, passionate, the best you can produce. Some of that, but I wished for more.

Worth it? Yes, for the small classes, amazing writing instruction, and 70% of the faculty that were terrific.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone know why the admissions person is leaving after only one year?

Spouse job situation. School and AD were happy with each other, so it's too bad.

[Anonymous]

19:29, thanks for posting. Some of us with slightly younger daughters were beginning to worry that we were blindly headed toward a train wreck junior year, but I'm glad to hear the other side of the story. My DD has been very happy with the school so far.

[Anonymous]

Yes, thank you 19:29 for another perspective.

[Anonymous]

19:29 It sounds like your girls started in 4th and perhaps you don't have sons? Please correct me if I am wrong, but I suspect you don't know any other school environment so NCS just doesn't seem so bad to you.

My daughter entered in 9th grade and just graduated. She had been in a number of schools before NCS due to relocations and loved and thrived in each and every one. She was very adaptable so when I heard negative murmurs about NCS I assumed that those girls who didn't like NCS just were either 1) not bright enough for the academic rigors or 2) not flexible enough to go with the flow. I discovered how wrong I was about NCS about midway through my DD's freshman year and counseled her to transfer. My ever optimistic DD said she liked her teachers and wanted to see if it improved. By the middle of sophomore year she knew the environment was toxic, and we looked at other schools. She ultimately decided she didn't want to go through being "new" again and worried that it would be difficult to transition junior year. By this point she had one or two friends, still loved her classes and decided to stay.

I agree completely with the PP who said that the problem stems from a lack of leadership. KJ, the head, is pretentious and soulless. There's neither warmth nor sincerity in her. She's solely focused on raising money. She could hardly pronounce the girls' names at Flag Day. It surprises me that quite a few good teachers remain. Thank goodness for them. My daughter smiled non stop through commencement, but certainly not because her experience at NCS was positive. She's just relieved it's over. Despite many attempts by the annual fund chair, I never contributed to those stupid senior lunchroom chairs. I'm hoping she'll want to understand why a full 10% of this year's senior class weren't supportive enough to contribute even a token amount. I am sure there are more families who just felt compelled to give after the umpteenth solicitation from the same person. I gave all the money we had set aside for contributions to the very warm, nurturing school next door.

[Anonymous]

I just spoke with a senior who has just graduated from NCS. She entered in 9th from a K-8th school. She said that it was a very rigorous program that challenged her academically and that all in all she had a very positive experience. She said that she was happy with her friends and said what bright accomplished girls she had been surrounded by. I did ask her about the "mean girl" situation and she said it was there but made up about 30% of what goes on there socially. When I asked her if she felt others were happy there, she said yes, but that it's a very challenging program and you have to have your own inner confidence. Finally I asked her if she would do it over again and she said she would. Just one graduating senior's perspective but I thought I would share...

[Anonymous]

As a former Beauvoir parent, the saddest thing for me was observing the Beauvoir girls at NCS middle school, begin to separate out into different, in some cases, clashing cliques. Former best friends no longer socializing with each other is heartbreaking. But perhaps that's just life?

[Anonymous]

I keep reading reference to a "mean girl" problem but not from those of us whose DDs went to NCS and were unhappy. Our posts refer to the overall climate of the place, the competitive each girl for herself atmosphere, the coldness. It seems to me to be outsiders who peg the "mean girl" label on NCS. I'm not saying it doesn't exist, just that this isn;t what made my DD, and others, so unhappy.

16:07 -- Im sure your DD thinks that girls who are unhappy are so because of the academics, but I can tell you from my vantage point that this wasn't the case. My DD had no problem with the academics.

But she may be right that you have to have some kind of inner resources to withstand the experience. But thats crazy, don't you think? School isn't supposed to be a hazing experience.