Am I expecting too much of my parents?
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Anonymous
My parents visit a few times a year, usually Friday to Sunday or Saturday to Sunday. They arrive on Amtrak around 1:00 in the afternoon and check into a hotel. Then they contact us late in the afternoon, usually around 5:00. Yesterday it was 6:00. My mother likes to spend her time at our local mall, because for some reason she believes the shopping is really good here.  (They live in Manhattan). They have dinner with us, and leave to return to the hotel around 7:30.
On Saturday, they do an activity with us, such as watching my daughter's ballet class. Then they return to their hotel, or perhaps more shopping for mom. Sunday morning, they are available for coffee or a "bite to eat," and then they rush to catch the train. I should mention my daughter really looks forward to these visits. My mother picks up little trinkets either at the train station or at our local mall and gives them to my daughter, which she enjoys. I don't feel that they have much authentic interaction with her. Am I expecting too much? |
Anonymous
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Sounds like they just don't like to travel/be house guests and cling to privacy and routine. You could probably get them to visit once or twice more a year. Then, step up your game...visit them once or twice more, or propose a long-weekend or weeklong vacation somewhere "neutral" where they could get either their own room or the master suite of a vacation home.
They seem set in their ways. It sounds frustrating, but I don't think it's personal! |
Anonymous
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How often do you visit them and for how long?
One of the things that has helped my kids and their relationship with their remaining grandparent is Facetime. Skype would work too. Have a set time every week for them to talk and see if something more develops from that. Otherwise, we have to take what we get. My parent's chose to be vacation and holiday parents and it was hard at first, since it was a bit of bait and switch. Other factors: age of parents - mine were almost 70 when they became grandparents. Something happens in the 70's. Also number of other grandchildren- our children were number 10 and 11 and DHs parents were burned out by that point. We can cut the time grandparents spend with our children, but we can't increase it. We chose to travel to,them three times out of four so our children would see them more. As a result, they saw them four times a year on average. |
Anonymous
| How come they don't stay at your house? |
Anonymous
| That sounds kinda sweet to me. Not sure what I'm missing? |
Anonymous
| Maybe they read DCUM and saw how much most posters complain about patents visiting, disrupting their routines and annoying the hell out of them. It sounds like they are the perfect DCUM visitor. |
Anonymous
| That sounds a little skimpy. Can you ask them why they don't spend the whole day and evening with you? |
Anonymous
| That sounds lovely, OP. Maybe they are introverts? can you join your mom to shop at the mall? How often and how do you visit them? |
Anonymous
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Does the hotel have an indoor pool?
My kids love when my mom stay at a hotel so they can swim. Mom and I sit and chat and watch them use up all their energy. Then we go out to dinner. Sometimes one or two of my kids spends the night in the hotel with her. So much fun for everyone. Make it work. |
Anonymous
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It could be many thing.
Maybe they don't want to be a bother. Maybe traveling makes them nervous and don't want to be gone long. Maybe they are not good with kids. |
Anonymous
+1. Spending the entire day with you would be overwhelming for an introvert. The obviously care because they make the effort to travel down and visit you. But they also take care of their own needs to make sure the visit doesn't become too much so that they become resentful or conflict arises. |
Anonymous
There are just as many about uninvolved grandparents. Seeing just how many there are helps me to feel better about my own mom. My inlaws who are pushing 90 are more involved than her. |
Anonymous
| Maybe your house is controlled chaos. I much prefervyo stsubon a hotel/motel when visiting family. |
Anonymous
| OP, what is their household/normal schedule like? If it varies drastically from yours, they just like routine and want to be comfortable. |
Anonymous
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If you're out of college your parents don't owe you more than kindness, decency, and respect - which it sounds like you're getting.
Be thankful they're not a pain in the ass and tell your kids that this is how much activity grandma and grandpa like to do. |