Am I expecting too much of my parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How often do you visit them and for how long?

One of the things that has helped my kids and their relationship with their remaining grandparent is Facetime. Skype would work too. Have a set time every week for them to talk and see if something more develops from that. Otherwise, we have to take what we get. My parent's chose to be vacation and holiday parents and it was hard at first, since it was a bit of bait and switch.

Other factors: age of parents - mine were almost 70 when they became grandparents. Something happens in the 70's. Also number of other grandchildren- our children were number 10 and 11 and DHs parents were burned out by that point.

We can cut the time grandparents spend with our children, but we can't increase it. We chose to travel to,them three times out of four so our children would see them more. As a result, they saw them four times a year on average.

OP here. Some very helpful notions here, thank you.

DD is the youngest and final grandchild and my parents are 80. (They are healthy and active, but still.)

I will step up the Skype and try to visit them more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does the hotel have an indoor pool?
My kids love when my mom stay at a hotel so they can swim. Mom and I sit and chat and watch them use up all their energy. Then we go out to dinner.
Sometimes one or two of my kids spends the night in the hotel with her. So much fun for everyone.
Make it work.

The hotel does have a pool. Good idea. I will try that too. Probably they would not enjoy the overnight, but it's a thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're out of college your parents don't owe you more than kindness, decency, and respect - which it sounds like you're getting.

Be thankful they're not a pain in the ass and tell your kids that this is how much activity grandma and grandpa like to do.

My daughter is actually not complaining at all -- she is gaga for her grandma and papa. I am thankful they are healthy and able to travel to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sounds kinda sweet to me. Not sure what I'm missing?

Same here.

What's the problem? What would you like to see happen? Have you invited them to do whatever that might be? What was their response? Where do you see this falling short? What would be "authentic"?

[Anonymous]

I think this sounds fine. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Something seemed off to me, and I just wanted a doublecheck. It seemed that they come and don't spend much time with us. But apparently it's not a big deal. I hope this doesn't devolve into the typical DCUM scolding and attract one of those "when your mother is dead you'll really regret having posted this" type posters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Something seemed off to me, and I just wanted a doublecheck. It seemed that they come and don't spend much time with us. But apparently it's not a big deal. I hope this doesn't devolve into the typical DCUM scolding and attract one of those "when your mother is dead you'll really regret having posted this" type posters.

My parents are the same way with my children, and they are their only grandchildren. My parents never come even though they are 90 minutes away. We bought our house with a guest suite, has it's own entrance (it is in the finished basement), but after we moved my mother declared she isn't sleeping in a basement, even though it doesn't look like a basement and even though she toured the home when we thought of buying it and told her it was a huge factor in wanting to buy it was the guest suite with lots of privacy. When my parents do come, which is rare, it is either for like 3 hours (they drive up and then immediately talk about how they have to leave soon because of traffic), or they stay in a hotel and won't let us come to them, they have to come to us. It really REALLY upset me for years. I did everything to get them to stay with us (ask, beg, made sure my house was clean, made sure i had all the foods they liked, etc). but forever reason they won't. It is hard to not take it personally. I do go to them, but every time I drive to where they live it is the same rush rush rush with my mom saying how she has an appointment and we can't stay long. She does not allow us to spend the night, we stay in a hotel if we stay overnight, but it is not like we spend much time with them when we go to see them either. And then she spends tons of time on the phone. It really is bizarre. I have a reasonably good relationship with my parents, my kids really love their grandparents and they are pretty well behaved. Some people just like a set routine and I guess we aren't part of that routine. It still stings sometimes, but I have just accepted it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds lovely, OP. Maybe they are introverts? can you join your mom to shop at the mall? How often and how do you visit them?

+1. Spending the entire day with you would be overwhelming for an introvert.

The obviously care because they make the effort to travel down and visit you. But they also take care of their own needs to make sure the visit doesn't become too much so that they become resentful or conflict arises.

Sounds like a nice visit to me. I thinking the Skyping idea is a great one. Meet people where they are, not where you want them to be.

[Anonymous]

The fact that your parents are 80 explains it to me.

Otherwise I would think it strange.

[Anonymous]

For 80 year-olds, this is making a big effort. I would not expect much more since they need to have a break during the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Something seemed off to me, and I just wanted a doublecheck. It seemed that they come and don't spend much time with us. But apparently it's not a big deal. I hope this doesn't devolve into the typical DCUM scolding and attract one of those "when your mother is dead you'll really regret having posted this" type posters.

Ours were like that when our kids were very little (0-2 years) but now that our oldest is 4, they spend a bit more time with us during their visits. In our case, I think it was a matter of they didn't know what to do, didn't want to inconvenience us, etc., but now it's easier for them to have quality time with the oldest, so they are starting to make the most of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that your parents are 80 explains it to me.

Otherwise I would think it strange.

Agreed. Spending a lot of time with grandchildren at the age, however beloved they are, can be exhausting. I think it's terrific they take the effort to come down on their own and take care of themselves by staying in a hotel. Wonderfully independent for octogenarians!

[Anonymous]

Op, it's typical for my DH & I to travel 6-8 hrs on Amtrak for a few day visit to DD and we may only see her during two meals. Works insane hours at hospital. We go to her since she has little vacation time starting out. We find other things to do in her city, we stay in a hotel. It's very worth it.

Why don't you go shopping with your Mother? When your DD is older, why don't you all three go shopping? (If you don't like shopping, suck-it-up)

[Anonymous]

I was with you until you said they were 80 and they have other children and grandchildren.
They are probably out of steam and exhausted, achey and doing the best they can.
Frankly I'm impressed they do what they do!
It is probably a lot for them to make the trip at all.

[Anonymous]

It's the shopping part that bothers me. It struck a nerve because it's an issue with my mom too (who is 75). She doesn't live in Manhattan but she has plenty of more than adequate places to shop where she lives and yet when she visits us, shopping is the top priority. We could spend the day sightseeing, going to museums and other places of interest but if we get home by 7:00, she's immediately out the door to go shopping while I get ds settled and ready for bed. If there's a day where we don't have things planned and I think it might be nice to hang out at home, make a nice meal, walk to the park, etc., nope - it's a shopping day. She shops (as a hobby) every single weekend that she's not with us so you would think she could take a weekend off now and then. Now, if your parents are actually tired but don't want to admit it, and shopping is actually a euphemism for taking a nap, that's understandable!