Should I be worried about my MIL?
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Anonymous
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Looking for some outside perspective on what could be happening with my MIL. She is currently visiting from out of town and is staying with us for about a week, which she does a few times each year, mostly to see DC. I believe MIL has been on some sort of anti-depressant or similar medication since DH's father died a few years ago, and her personality changed abruptly around the same time. To some extent, maybe that's expected because it was a really hard time for her. But the change is alarming. She used to be very judgmental, "everything has to be perfect" type who had little regard for anyone else's feelings. She was very strict with DH and had very rigid expectations of her family. She is now this strange shell of a woman who does not care about much and is totally oblivious to what is happening around her. She has zero attention span, barely eats anything and seems to have no interest in having a regular conversation with either DH or me. We end up having to tell her the same thing 5 times and she acts like she's hearing it for the first time. Yet she also gets hyper around DC - she gets really animated and loud and gives DC all of her attention, but then gets easily distracted and DC will run off and get into something and she doesn't notice. After DC goes to bed, she sits on her ipad and plays solitaire, doesn't even try to have a conversation with us. Or on the rare occasion we are talking, she will interrupt our conversation to answer her phone without saying "excuse me" or "I should take this" etc. On her last visit, we were all watching a movie and she answered her phone right in the middle of it. I eventually shut the movie off and we left because we had no idea how long she'd be. It's like she has become oblivious to normal social behavior, and this was a woman who used to be the first to criticize someone else for having bad manners! The only aspect of her personality that has remained constant is her total disregard for others' feelings, it's like she has no clue how her behavior affects others. She never asks us how we are doing. She will call DH and immediately ask if she can talk to DC. No "hi, how have you been".
DH and his mother have always had a rocky relationship, but it's getting worse because DH has no clue what's happening with her and his patience is worn thin. They don't talk about feelings or have deep conversations in his family (anything beyond surface-level pleasantries), and anytime you ask her how things are going with her, it's always "fine." So I realize that she may be quiet and laying low in part because there's tension between them, but the other things don't add up -- no attention span, ambivalence about everything, easily distracted, oblivious. And she's always asking us when she can come for a visit, so I don't think this has anything to do with her not wanting to be around us. Does this sound like a normal personality/attitude of someone who is on those types of meds? I have no idea what this could be and I am worried it is something more serious, neurologically-speaking. I've considered that maybe she's depressed but not sure there's any way to get her to talk to figure out if that's what it is. MIL is only 63 but her mother had dementia late in life. Am I right to be worried about her? |
Anonymous
| I would be concerned. I had to step-in with my MIL as neither of her sons would do it. My MIL has early onset dementia and it started in the early 60's, possibly late 50's. The change in personality was significant as well as the loss of a lot of functioning. |
Anonymous
My mom has early onset dementia and this does not sound like the symptoms. They are usually not depressive, personality may be weird but they are oddly happy in their embarrassingly weird way. For example a person with early onset will talk to strangers like they know them, put on weird outfits..that sort of thing. They also tend to eat a lot because they forgot they ate 10 minutes ago and so weight issues can be a problem. Look up frontal temporal dementia and you can see the signs. Your MIL actually sounds depressed and like she has given up. This is sad. But at least looks like their could be hope which is great. No hope for early onset
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Anonymous
It sounds like my MIL. We initially attributed it for years to depression because she had a history of it. It was clearly dementia. She had no weird outfits, talking with strangers. She did have a lot of eating issues. There is a clinic at Hopkins that specializes in Dementia. We did not find them helpful but already knew but you may want to take her there for an assessment. |
Anonymous
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Yes, you should be worried about her. Your husband, her son, should be worried.
Please re-read your post as if you're a stranger hearing a stranger's story. The focus until near the end is on the offended feelings you and your husband have over her perceived rudeness, silence, lack of manners, etc. Those feelngs are understandable! But can you both get past that to see that this probably is not personal towards you but possibly symptoms? I think you're almost there: Sudden behavioral change. "Barely" eats. Inattention, sudden shifts in attention (she's playing with DC and focused on him, then suddenly loses focus). Doesn't talk. But also acts needier than in the past (?), asking when she can come back, etc. She may be depressed, or may be having side effects from her meds, she may be starting the early stages of some form of dementia, and yes, there is a genetic connection and you know her mom had dementia. Dementias can make people behave VERY differently, including rude behaviors, lack of normal social politeness, inappropriate behavior, blurting out rude or weird statements, acting nicer than they ever were, acting meaner than they ever were, or just exaggerating their lifelong foibles, etc. It's a good thing that you are willing to consider that she may be ill, mentally and/or physically, but it sounds like your husband has a lot of baggage in his relationship with her that might make it difficult for him or you to be objective if her behaviors are rude or odd. The problem with any condition that changes a person's behavior is that it's difficult, as a family member or caregiver, not to have hurt feelings when that person acts out toward you (or ignores you, in this case). Is your husband going to be able to step back from his own emotions -- are you also going to be able to do that?-- and calmly try to start figuring out what's wrong with MIL? It's OK to have the feelings you do have and to own them, but now it's time to decide if you're going to let things muddle along, or take some action. You already are taking the first step by bringing up depression and dementia -- that's a good start. Does she live alone? Does she have any close relative or other person (pastor, friend, neighbor) in her own town who can work on getting her to a doctor? Is it possible to contact her doctor where she lives? It sounds as if she needs help but when she's back on her own familiar turf; she's likely to resist or clam up if you or your husband tries to approach her about depression or a general health screening while she is with you. But I'd be in touch immediately with anyone in her home or town to whom she might listen.. |
Anonymous
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+1 12:32's post
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Anonymous
| OP here. Thanks for the thoughtful responses. To 12:32: you bring up a lot of good points. I don't think DH is able to be objective about this because he perceives her behavior as personal toward him. He's views it as a continuation of all the things she's ever done to hurt/offend him. For my part, I am truly more baffled by her behavior than offended. My OP may have read as though I was offended for lack of a better way to explain what's going on. I know this has nothing to do with me, and I don't hold any ill feelings toward her because of how DH may feel. MIL does live alone, has a few acquaintances and dates on occasion. She lives near family and sees them regularly, but I doubt any of them have noticed anything. DH's brother lives near her but rarely sees his mother, and DH has no relationship with him, so I am at a loss as to who I could even contact about this. I am not exaggerating when I say the whole family has ostrich-syndrome. They stick their heads in the sand and live in denial that anything is wrong, whether it be personal issues or health problems. When there have been issues in the past, everyone's standard response is "Oh, that's just how so-and-so is!" I may try to talk with her privately while she is here just to find out how she's feeling, what's been going on, etc. I may not get anywhere but then again, maybe she'll open up without DH around. I just don't know what else I can do at this point. |
Anonymous
| Does she have a regular physician? The physician obviously can't tell you anything, but you could contact him or her and report the behavioral changes you're seeing. It definitely sounds like a medical issue--medication side effects, depression, dementia, or something else. |
Anonymous
| Tell her it seems she is not feeling well and that you can make a doctor's appointment and go with her so she will not have to go alone. |
Anonymous
Medical person here. This is the best advice, other PP's are correct that it sounds like something may be going on that needs medical attention, even something as simple as she is taking the wrong dose of an anti depressant or going on/off it rather than a steady dose, all the way to early onset Dementia. It depends on your relationship but talking to her about it 1:1 would be a good starting place as well |