Eeyore daughter and Tigger Mom, achieving balance?

[Anonymous]

So my 14 yr old is a bit of a grouchy Eeyore at home (just started high school). I as her Mom tend to skew more to the Tigger/Pooh side. Having a tough time communicating, want her to feel accepted and loved, also hope she'll try to see the bright side? Advice....?

[Anonymous]

Tigger Mom ... I thought this was supposed to be in the AAP forum.

[Anonymous]

That would be Tiger Mom

[Anonymous]

Stop trying to make her see the bright side. It just makes her think that you think her entire point of view is wrong. Try not to let her make you down. I've been considered a pessimist - I think realist - and I believe that low expectations have led to more satisfaction in my life.

[Anonymous]

I love the analogy. We use Bert and Ernie to describe our mother-daughter dynamic (I'm a chaos muppet).

I'd say that it never hurts to acknowledge that her feelings are real. So if she's feeling like the day was sucky, she does indeed feel like it was sucky even if it seems to you like it wasn't that bad. Ask her what she needs (a hug, a snack, alone time, etc), provide that, and step away unless she asks for more. That way she can process how she feels and reset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love the analogy. We use Bert and Ernie to describe our mother-daughter dynamic (I'm a chaos muppet).

I'd say that it never hurts to acknowledge that her feelings are real. So if she's feeling like the day was sucky, she does indeed feel like it was sucky even if it seems to you like it wasn't that bad. Ask her what she needs (a hug, a snack, alone time, etc), provide that, and step away unless she asks for more. That way she can process how she feels and reset.

Thank you, this sounds like what I need to do more of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop trying to make her see the bright side. It just makes her think that you think her entire point of view is wrong. Try not to let her make you down. I've been considered a pessimist - I think realist - and I believe that low expectations have led to more satisfaction in my life.

Thank you for the insight.

[Anonymous]

Stop trying to make her see the bright side. Each time you do that, you're dismissing her feelings. My mother is like this, and then complains I don't talk to her. Well, I've been going through a VERY harsh time for almost two years, and her peppy comments just make me feel worse, and more alone, rather than better. I once said to her, "Just once, can't you just say 'Yeah, that must really, really suck!' so I know you're hearing me?" And she can't. So I don't talk to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop trying to make her see the bright side. Each time you do that, you're dismissing her feelings. My mother is like this, and then complains I don't talk to her. Well, I've been going through a VERY harsh time for almost two years, and her peppy comments just make me feel worse, and more alone, rather than better. I once said to her, "Just once, can't you just say 'Yeah, that must really, really suck!' so I know you're hearing me?" And she can't. So I don't talk to her.

Thank you, I definitely do not want to do this to her. Really appreciate the feedback.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop trying to make her see the bright side. Each time you do that, you're dismissing her feelings. My mother is like this, and then complains I don't talk to her. Well, I've been going through a VERY harsh time for almost two years, and her peppy comments just make me feel worse, and more alone, rather than better. I once said to her, "Just once, can't you just say 'Yeah, that must really, really suck!' so I know you're hearing me?" And she can't. So I don't talk to her.

+1

I've been through some very dark periods in my life (like high school), and in my experience, the unabashed "Tiggers" really were incapable of seeing/understanding that sometimes a person might know there is a "bright side", but be unable to reach it at the time. There is NOTHING more irritating than a person who prattles and bubbles happily at you when you are going through a difficult time, urging you to "look on the bright side" or changing the subject back to rainbows and sunshine, and there are few things as isolating as being confronted by someone else's determinedly bright, brittle, everlasting burble of joy in response to a situation in which you really just want empathy and an acknowledgement that while the situation is bad, the other person understands and is there for you, and loves you.

I cannot abide the Tiggers in life, but I try to remind myself that they are this way because they haven't ever experienced real darkness, or because they aren't clever enough to achieve true empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I've been through some very dark periods in my life (like high school), and in my experience, the unabashed "Tiggers" really were incapable of seeing/understanding that sometimes a person might know there is a "bright side", but be unable to reach it at the time. There is NOTHING more irritating than a person who prattles and bubbles happily at you when you are going through a difficult time, urging you to "look on the bright side" or changing the subject back to rainbows and sunshine, and there are few things as isolating as being confronted by someone else's determinedly bright, brittle, everlasting burble of joy in response to a situation in which you really just want empathy and an acknowledgement that while the situation is bad, the other person understands and is there for you, and loves you.

I cannot abide the Tiggers in life, but I try to remind myself that they are this way because they haven't ever experienced real darkness, or because they aren't clever enough to achieve true empathy.

I was with you PP until you decided to apply a blanket personality bash to the Tiggers. Many if the most optimistic people I know have had the most horrific starts in life yet remain upbeat and are incredibly empathetic. Sounds like you could use a little self-work on walking in another's shoes yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I've been through some very dark periods in my life (like high school), and in my experience, the unabashed "Tiggers" really were incapable of seeing/understanding that sometimes a person might know there is a "bright side", but be unable to reach it at the time. There is NOTHING more irritating than a person who prattles and bubbles happily at you when you are going through a difficult time, urging you to "look on the bright side" or changing the subject back to rainbows and sunshine, and there are few things as isolating as being confronted by someone else's determinedly bright, brittle, everlasting burble of joy in response to a situation in which you really just want empathy and an acknowledgement that while the situation is bad, the other person understands and is there for you, and loves you.

I cannot abide the Tiggers in life, but I try to remind myself that they are this way because they haven't ever experienced real darkness, or because they aren't clever enough to achieve true empathy.

I was with you PP until you decided to apply a blanket personality bash to the Tiggers. Many if the most optimistic people I know have had the most horrific starts in life yet remain upbeat and are incredibly empathetic. Sounds like you could use a little self-work on walking in another's shoes yourself.

Your personal experience has been quite different from my personal experience.

[Anonymous]

Your Tigger/Eeyore/Pooh-ing your relationship with a teenager?

Ew.

[Anonymous]

I think it's a great analogy-- it suits me and my middle child very well. I'm working hard lately on validating her feelings as the PP suggested. (And then reminding her that while it's absolutely okay to feel however she's going to feel, it's not fair to take out those feelings on the people around her if she's really in a foul mood-- we're working on finding outlets for her feelings, like a journal, sports, etc.) My girl is only nine, but she's been an Eeyore forever!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a great analogy-- it suits me and my middle child very well. I'm working hard lately on validating her feelings as the PP suggested. (And then reminding her that while it's absolutely okay to feel however she's going to feel, it's not fair to take out those feelings on the people around her if she's really in a foul mood-- we're working on finding outlets for her feelings, like a journal, sports, etc.) My girl is only nine, but she's been an Eeyore forever!

Maybe stop "categorizing" and "characterizing" your child and see her as an individual. Take each moment/mood for what it is instead of trying to put it in a "box."