Vent - protecting my mom's feelings is exhausting
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Anonymous
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My mom (who has broad self-esteem issues and is insecure) always feels like she is in a competition with my MIL. MIL lives closer, gives us gifts, etc., although really I think it comes down to MIL being skinny. Anyway, Mom is very invested in my wanting her around and in my loving the gifts she gives.
MIL has been pressing me to make a certain improvement to my home -- something that did need to be done, but was not urgent and which I was putting off because it was going to be a big pain to interview contractors etc. I mentioned that to Mom, and Mom offered to pay for the improvement and she helped interview contractors when she was here for a visit. (I argued about the money a bit, FWIW, but she says she'd rather see me spend it than have me inherit it.) Well, the installation was today and, nobody's fault, but I'm not happy. I don't like the new look, and the contractor promised some things he can't deliver, and after exploring options I see there's nothing I can do about any of it. I'm upset and I'd like to have a good moan before getting on with my life. BUT I know my mom would feel like the problem was her fault, and that this expensive gift had "failed" because I wasn't thrilled with the work. She would take it so personally. So now when I tell her about it I will have to be fake upbeat and pleased, and never mention my disappointment. Blah. |
Anonymous
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Short form: Someone gave me money. I spent it. I don't like what I bought. That person's feelings are a pain in my ass. Woe is me.
Book review: you seem like an ungrateful ass. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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The lesson is that you don't take money from people if you can at all help it! Money always comes with strings, even if it's just the right to vent about shoddy work. My mother is similar to yours (except she gets nasty as well). My options are: 1. Tiptoe. 2. Limit contact. 3. Get into a fight. I do a mix of 1. and 2. right now, because 3. is really exhausting and not worth it. |
Anonymous
| You need to get over this and be grateful for the improvement it made and the value it adds to your home. |
Anonymous
+2. You are making this into way more than it needs to be. First, the stuff with your MIL and any sense of competition -- extraneous and irrelevant. Second, you're right, you don't complain to someone about the gift they gave you, big or small, because that is tacky. It's not your mom's fault you don't like the final result, and it would be rude to use her as your venting wall. Call a friend or something if you need to vent. |
Anonymous
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Okay. It seems there are a lot of issues here.
1. The work on your home. If you don't like the work, step up. Tell the contractor it's unacceptable. 2. Which brings me to the second point -- you sound like a people pleaser. You sound like you spend a lot of time accommodating peoples' feelings and making sure everyone's happy, and "moving on," at the expense of getting what you want. 3. I don't think you sound ungrateful. I think you sound uncomfortable with the notion that you can't make everyone happy, and extremely anxious that you have any negative feelings. You are very tense because you are going to have to present the work on your home to your mother as a big success. Why can't you say to your mom "There are some problems with the work and I'm trying to get the contractor to fix them." It's not your fault, OP. It's the contractor's fault. 4. It's not your job to make everyone happy, OP. Don't pretend you are happy when you are not. Don't pretend to the contractor, and don't pretend to your mother. Just because your mother is invested in your loving her gifts doesn't mean that you have to love them. She is a grown-up. |
Anonymous
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My mom is the same. I learned a long time ago not to take any money from her. Once you do, you are obligated to protect her feelings.
But that's not actually the issue here. In this situation you would most certainly be a dick to complain about the work in this situation, and not just because your mom is sensitive, frankly. Anyone in her shoes would feel crappy to have spent that much money on a gift and know the recipient isn't happy, regardless of the reason. |
Anonymous
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Just say you changed your mind about some of the details, and the contractor is going to tweak accordingly.
Not that big of a deal. |
Anonymous
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Why can't you deal with your MIL's pressure?
"Jane, you make a good point, but we will get to it when we are ready." "All right, Jane (smile), That is enough on this subject." Where is your DH in this? I agree with the PP about people pleasing. |
Anonymous
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You need to stop telling your mother about every interaction or conversation you have with your MIL. If she knows less about what MIL is doing/saying, she has less ammo to fuel the competition.
My MIL keeps score with my mother. The sad part is that it's a self-fulfilling prophesy. Because the more I can tell she's getting agitated and bean counting, the less time I want to spend with her. Which is, of course, her biggest complaint. I deal with it (as does my DH) but limiting mentions of my mother to my MIL. I don't lie if it will be cumbersome, but if I don't need to mention to her that my mother came over, I don't. I'll also say: tell the contractor what you don't like if it was a mistake they made. Otherwise, it was your fault, so view it as that. |
Anonymous
+1 |