My sister has emotionally drained me, but she continually threatens suicide

[Anonymous]

My sister and I have always had the relationship where she always calls me with her personal drama. If it is not fights with friends, it is relationship drama or drama with my mother (who is just as stressful), or drama with her boss etc. I listen attentively, and have learned to not jump in with advice, and listen without judgement. The other times when she calls me, it is to ask me to bail her out finanncially. In times past, when she is going through 'high drama', she has threatened to take her own life, and we have had to plan interventions, call and beg, send her money etc. She lives in a different state. This has been going on for over 10 years. She is in her late twenties.

Part of me has always felt compassion because she does suffer from depression and maybe is bipolar (even though she does not always take her meds or seek treatment). My mother is in denial that my sister has these mental issues. However, I have had a rough three months with a horrible betrayal, intense stress at work and some health issues. I am drained, and really just trying to stay afloat. (I also suffer from depression, but I am under the care of a docto and a therapist, and have taken meds for three years.

I just had a conversation with her where she accused me of ignoring her (I have not called for several weeks), and the entire conversation was "me, me, me". She also said she is in more financial problems and cannot pay her rent this month. She says I have 'abandoned' her because I refused to respond to her text messages asking for financial help. I just got really tired and said I just could not deal with it right now. We got into a screaming match, we've never done that before. She hang up. I am really furious, but I am also exhausted. I am obviously worried she might hurt herself, because she always says I am the only one she can talk to.

I don't know how I make peace with the fact that she could do that. I also just don't really want a relationship with her, not right now. She does not have a partner, and very few friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister and I have always had the relationship where she always calls me with her personal drama. If it is not fights with friends, it is relationship drama or drama with my mother (who is just as stressful), or drama with her boss etc. I listen attentively, and have learned to not jump in with advice, and listen without judgement. The other times when she calls me, it is to ask me to bail her out finanncially. In times past, when she is going through 'high drama', she has threatened to take her own life, and we have had to plan interventions, call and beg, send her money etc. She lives in a different state. This has been going on for over 10 years. She is in her late twenties.

Part of me has always felt compassion because she does suffer from depression and maybe is bipolar (even though she does not always take her meds or seek treatment). My mother is in denial that my sister has these mental issues. However, I have had a rough three months with a horrible betrayal, intense stress at work and some health issues. I am drained, and really just trying to stay afloat. (I also suffer from depression, but I am under the care of a docto and a therapist, and have taken meds for three years.

I just had a conversation with her where she accused me of ignoring her (I have not called for several weeks), and the entire conversation was "me, me, me". She also said she is in more financial problems and cannot pay her rent this month. She says I have 'abandoned' her because I refused to respond to her text messages asking for financial help. I just got really tired and said I just could not deal with it right now. We got into a screaming match, we've never done that before. She hang up. I am really furious, but I am also exhausted. I am obviously worried she might hurt herself, because she always says I am the only one she can talk to.

I don't know how I make peace with the fact that she could do that. I also just don't really want a relationship with her, not right now. She does not have a partner, and very few friends.

If she is a danger to herself, call the police in her town. They will go and see her and have her committed if they feel she's a danger to herself. Then the facility she goes to will do a workup on her, and you go from there.

[Anonymous]

She sounds exactly like my friend that is defiantly bipolar and depressive. Tell her exactly what you wrote. Explain to her she needs a therapist and to stay on her meds. That you love her and if she sees a professional and takes meds that you will talk to her. Tell her the conversations are one sided and that you need to talk too and you can't always be wrapped up in her drama.

I am really sorry for you. You do need to be careful with what you say to her, yet you need to be healthy in your own life.

[Anonymous]

Boundaries. Similar setup. Read walking on eggshells ; she sounds potentially BPD but I know that is trendy. Regardless all you 'help' does is enable her. No more money. No more emotional ballast. The reason you have never screamed before is because you see always gentle with her b/c you were in eggshells

Only she can help herself. Like an alcoholic you can't take away their drinks, she has to take away her drama

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. I have a friend who is going through exactly the same thing.

Has she ever attempted suicide before?
If not, don't chase after her. You have to take care of yourself first. You have to work through your fears of her committing suicide, and the guilt attached to it.

If she has a history of suicide attempts, the risk is obviously greater that she will try again, and her case needs to be managed by a social worker. You should not be the primary buffer between her and the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm so sorry, OP. I have a friend who is going through exactly the same thing.

Has she ever attempted suicide before?
If not, don't chase after her. You have to take care of yourself first. You have to work through your fears of her committing suicide, and the guilt attached to it.

If she has a history of suicide attempts, the risk is obviously greater that she will try again, and her case needs to be managed by a social worker. You should not be the primary buffer between her and the world.

She has never attempted it, but threatened a few times. She did admit to me that once she did it to try and get attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boundaries. Similar setup. Read walking on eggshells ; she sounds potentially BPD but I know that is trendy. Regardless all you 'help' does is enable her. No more money. No more emotional ballast. The reason you have never screamed before is because you see always gentle with her b/c you were in eggshells

Only she can help herself. Like an alcoholic you can't take away their drinks, she has to take away her drama

I just googled BPD. That described my sister to a tee! Argh!

[Anonymous]

Your post screams BPD to me. You might find some good resources online for dealing with borderline personality family members. It's really hard.

I say this as someone whose brother died by suicide: you are NOT responsible for your sister's emotional health. If she dies by suicide, it would not be your fault. You are not responsible for her.

you have to take care of yourself first. I have had to sacrifice my relationship with my nephews because I don't have the emotional reserves to manage my SIL with BPD. She is so manipulative, so cruel, so narcissistic, so paranoid, so completely self-centered; every interaction is fraught and awful. I fight depression and I know I can't keep myself we'll and keep her in my life every day; she sucks the life out of me.

You don't need to let an emotional vampire suck you dry just because she threatens to hurt yourself if you don't give her your blood first. You need to stay alive.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PPs. You described someone with BPD, and I say this as a someone who also has a family member with BPD.

[Anonymous]

Emotional vampires for BPD. I have used this term as well; who originated it, but it describes the interaction perfectly.

[Anonymous]

You are not equipped to be your sister's therapist. Her problems need to be addressed by someone with training and objectivity. If you are willing to continue to be a sounding board, fine. But don't give her any money. If she threatens suicide, call the police in her town and report it.

Repeat: you are not equipped to be your sister's therapist.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all your input. I am not a professional, but reading about BPD has helped me understand a little better what is going on with my sister. She has sent me a few more 'angry texts'. I am not engaging. It will be difficult, but I also feel a lot of relief not talking to her.

Also, I will have to keep reminding myself that I am not equipped to fix this.

[Anonymous]

Op - as others have said, you can call the police where she lives and ask for them to do a welfare check If you are worried she will harm herself. I have a mentally ill sibling and have informed him that I will do that because it's not something I take lightly. Sadly there Are people who will demand everything of us and still not be satisfied. I was risking my marriage to be a 24 hr crisis hotline. Work with a therapist to create healthy boundaries that keep you healthy. I tried to create a somewhat healthy relationship but had to distance myself more after my brother didn't even think To call me after my daughter was born - but could call me ten times a day when he was in crisis. Painful but relieving to let him go.

[Anonymous]

OP, the only way to deal with border lines is boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Do not engage, keep any text or conversation very short, don't t engage, rinse repeat. You will have to set firm boundaries for YEARS until she gets it, if she gets it at all.

[Anonymous]

If someone threatens suicide, they need to taken to an ER so that a professional can check them out ASAP. I would call the police, tell them that she threatened suicide and ask them to do a health and welfare check on her. If she is grandstanding, that should put an end to that behavior quickly. If she really needs help, they will ask her to go to the ER with them. If she is out of control, they will call EMS to take her to the ER.