How to deal with in-laws who make zero effort

[Anonymous]

We always travel to visit my sister and brother in law, who live in the same town as my husband's parents. They never travel to visit us. Literally, not one time in the 7 years we've been married. Granted, we live away from the rest of the family, so we feel like it's probably fair for us to make some sacrifices to maintain these relationships. And we have, even when it's been at a great cost to us (financial, forfeiting vacation that would actually be relaxing, traveling with small children which of course is always pretty terrible, etc.)

We told them months ago about plans to come this year over the winter holidays. Today, they told us they decided to take their family on vacation and won't be home, so we can just hang out with my husband's parents instead.

I feel done. Honestly, I would be okay with never seeing my my sister and brother in law again. And with my kids having no relationship with their cousins. I don't have the energy to exert any more effort. I'd rather spent my vacation time with my immediate family in Hawaii or something. My husband, not surprisingly, feels differently.

Objectively: What's the best way forward? How have you dealt with similar situations?

[Anonymous]

On the plus side, could you get your parents house to yourself over the holidays? No squeezing in with the Inlaws?

[Anonymous]

Can you all plan a vacation together? That way you both put in effort?

Have you asked her to visit you? What did she say?

[Anonymous]

Make exactly half the effort you are now, or 2/3. Instead of offering to come, say, Christmas and Easter and Fourth of July, offer to come for two, and say, "we will be home for Easter, and we'd love to have you."

If they complain, just explain it's a financial and logistical burden to travel so much, so you'll be doing so less, but they are always welcome to visit.

What about MIL and FIL? Do they visit you?

[Anonymous]

Let your DH go by himself, or take the kids.

[Anonymous]

Have a fun family vacation sometime regardless of how your SIL and BIL behave. Sounds like you need it.

[Anonymous]

We are away from family too. Without exception, we travel to them more than they have ever traveled to visit us. Both sides of the family. DH and I each have one sister that visits us but we still visit them two times out of three. For parents it is/was three times out of four. for DH's other siblings, it is basically us traveling to them if we want to see them. Some of the circumstances are logical and apparent, others are not. The upside is that we determine who we visit and for how long. It is just the way it is. Don't be a bean counter that leads down the path of resentment.

[Anonymous]

suggest taking turns visiting each other or taking a trip together. If they make no effort, move onward and upward...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are away from family too. Without exception, we travel to them more than they have ever traveled to visit us. Both sides of the family. DH and I each have one sister that visits us but we still visit them two times out of three. For parents it is/was three times out of four. for DH's other siblings, it is basically us traveling to them if we want to see them. Some of the circumstances are logical and apparent, others are not. The upside is that we determine who we visit and for how long. It is just the way it is. Don't be a bean counter that leads down the path of resentment.

There's quite a difference between being a "bean counter" and expecting family to do SOME of the traveling to see you instead of ALWAYS going to see them. Bean counting is worrying about 55-45, not 0 vs 100.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are away from family too. Without exception, we travel to them more than they have ever traveled to visit us. Both sides of the family. DH and I each have one sister that visits us but we still visit them two times out of three. For parents it is/was three times out of four. for DH's other siblings, it is basically us traveling to them if we want to see them. Some of the circumstances are logical and apparent, others are not. The upside is that we determine who we visit and for how long. It is just the way it is. Don't be a bean counter that leads down the path of resentment.

There's quite a difference between being a "bean counter" and expecting family to do SOME of the traveling to see you instead of ALWAYS going to see them. Bean counting is worrying about 55-45, not 0 vs 100.

I disagree. As I posted, DH has two sibling where it has been 100:0. I do not get wrapped around the axle about it. I want my children to have a relationship with their aunt, uncle and cousins. So, we travel. We don't see them as often as the others, we we still make the effort and I don't bean count it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We always travel to visit my sister and brother in law, who live in the same town as my husband's parents. They never travel to visit us. Literally, not one time in the 7 years we've been married. Granted, we live away from the rest of the family, so we feel like it's probably fair for us to make some sacrifices to maintain these relationships. And we have, even when it's been at a great cost to us (financial, forfeiting vacation that would actually be relaxing, traveling with small children which of course is always pretty terrible, etc.)

We told them months ago about plans to come this year over the winter holidays. Today, they told us they decided to take their family on vacation and won't be home, so we can just hang out with my husband's parents instead.

I feel done. Honestly, I would be okay with never seeing my my sister and brother in law again. And with my kids having no relationship with their cousins. I don't have the energy to exert any more effort. I'd rather spent my vacation time with my immediate family in Hawaii or something. My husband, not surprisingly, feels differently.

Objectively: What's the best way forward? How have you dealt with similar situations?

You are okay with never seeing your sister or her children? You'd cut them off simply because they never come to visit you? I'm starting to get an idea of why they don't come.

[Anonymous]

Visiting family is NOT a vacation. I suggest you do something different this year.

[Anonymous]

Just see them when you go to visit your husband's parents. There are tons and tons of kids who have that kind of a relationship with their cousins. If your DH wants to make a special effort let it fall on him as they are his relatives.

[Anonymous]

OP, your family has let the relatives get so used to the idea that you do all the traveling that they don't even consider the idea of doing any traveling themselves.

Have you ever said directly, "We're inviting you to come to us this year for (holiday X)." If they reply "But we thought you'd come here as usual," you can say, "I know we've usually done the travelling but we would like to host YOU this year. If you can't make it for holiday X, then let's plan on what works for you, like holiday Y." And then you plan to stay home for holiday X whether or not you end up hosting.

If you live the farthest away, that's really no excuse on their part not to EVER travel, but frankly some people just need to be invited quite specifically--dates given, talk about what you would take them to do and see, etc. The whole deal is different, of course, if there are people with health issues involved, or if one part of the family has real money issues or cannot take enough time off work to be the travelers. But if you've never asked, and just stewed silently as you book your travel plans, then ask. I know people sometimes say, "But I shouldn't have to ask!They should just know they can come here instead!" Not everyone knows that.

This winter holiday, say cheerily that you're staying home because you have special plans with the kids, then go out and do special stuff. Break the cycle. Invite the relatives or not, as you choose, but don't cave to expectations that you go -- and also don't be upset with them for never doing the traveling-- unless you have indeed asked and they keep refusing.

My friend (DC area) was always the one who did all the traveling to her siblings' families (midwest and New England) for holidays. Finally she realized that everyone just assumed she would be the one to travel, so she said, very nicely, that she would really like to host one of the big holidays each year at her own place, and ever since, she hosts Thanksgiving and her sister hosts Christmas. Sometimes they reverse that, or some years she travels for both holidays -- there's no bean-counting. Another sibling has health issues that make traveling a real problem, so she goes out to see him once or twice a year, not at a holiday, and everyone's fine with it. No drama, no whines of "But you always come to US and it won't be Christmas unless it's at OUR house...." People just need to voice their wants maturely and give alternatives and offer specific ideas.

OP, it's really sad that you say you're so done you'd be OK with not seeing some family members again. I hope that was just the frustration talking and was a momentary thing. That statement made me wonder if there is more than just the travel issue at play between you and them--?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are away from family too. Without exception, we travel to them more than they have ever traveled to visit us. Both sides of the family. DH and I each have one sister that visits us but we still visit them two times out of three. For parents it is/was three times out of four. for DH's other siblings, it is basically us traveling to them if we want to see them. Some of the circumstances are logical and apparent, others are not. The upside is that we determine who we visit and for how long. It is just the way it is. Don't be a bean counter that leads down the path of resentment.

There's quite a difference between being a "bean counter" and expecting family to do SOME of the traveling to see you instead of ALWAYS going to see them. Bean counting is worrying about 55-45, not 0 vs 100.

I disagree. As I posted, DH has two sibling where it has been 100:0. I do not get wrapped around the axle about it. I want my children to have a relationship with their aunt, uncle and cousins. So, we travel. We don't see them as often as the others, we we still make the effort and I don't bean count it.

That's great for you. But who cares? You're not the OP. This is OP's thread about OP's problem. You're not offering advice, you're telling her not to feel the way she feels. Go start your own "I'm a perfect non-bean-counter" thread.