How to deal with in-laws who make zero effort

[Anonymous]

OP here. We've tried to group vacation thing. Two separate times, it's ended up being somewhere far from us where we're not really interested to go, because my sister in law and brother in law aren't willing to compromise and we are.

It's encouraging to know that others have been through similar things, but it still hurts. If our family isn't worth exerting a tiny bit of effort to them, then it's hard for me to feel like the relationship is worthwhile. It's surely the anger/frustration talking too, but I'm honestly not sure what's the best way forward.

If we put our foot down and stop making so many compromises and sacrifices, then we will never see them. I guess I'm getting closer to ready to accept that, though it's a hard reality...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let your DH go by himself, or take the kids.

OP here. I think that's what we're going to try next, although it's a short-term fix rather than a long-term one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are away from family too. Without exception, we travel to them more than they have ever traveled to visit us. Both sides of the family. DH and I each have one sister that visits us but we still visit them two times out of three. For parents it is/was three times out of four. for DH's other siblings, it is basically us traveling to them if we want to see them. Some of the circumstances are logical and apparent, others are not. The upside is that we determine who we visit and for how long. It is just the way it is. Don't be a bean counter that leads down the path of resentment.

There's quite a difference between being a "bean counter" and expecting family to do SOME of the traveling to see you instead of ALWAYS going to see them. Bean counting is worrying about 55-45, not 0 vs 100.

OP here. Thank you for understanding.

As I mentioned, we moved far from where the rest of the family lives, so I'm okay with the expectation that we exert a little more effort to make family visits work. What I'm not okay with is others exerting no effort.

[Anonymous]

- Maybe they don't like to travel as much
- Maybe YOU decided that maintaining a relationship involves a lot of visits and you decided to do a lot of the visiting
- Maybe they love you, and like to have you visit, but don't want to use up their vacations visiting family a lot -- but they really enjoy your visits and assume you like to visit because -- YOU DO!
- Maybe they don't feel like every holiday has to be spent visiting with extended family, but that has ZERO to do with how much they care about you

- Maybe you have decided that the visit tally sheet is the prime barometer of your relationship and now it is biting you in the ass

[Anonymous]

OP, you're skipping some steps. You are going from 100% effort and sacrifice and effort on your part to contemplating making ZERO effort.

And all this time, you haven't bitten the bullet and *directly communicated* your wants and needs.

1) Identify when/where you are willing to travel, and let them know you look forward to visiting then

2) ***Propose specific dates when they can come visit, and actually invite them, don't just expect them to wake up one morning and want to visit*****

3) If they question/push back on this new approach, clearly state that the frequent travel is wearing for you, financially and logistically, and that you'll still visit occasionally, but if they want to see you more than that, they are always welcome to come stay with you

[Anonymous]

I might be a bit peeved about it but maybe your Sister/BIL have been wanting/saving for this trip or it's a trip with BIL's family. They're entitled to make their own holiday vacations out of town. You can't make people visit you, believe me, DH/I live away from family and most of our extended family has never visited us. We almost always visit our home state/city when there's family reunions, holidays. I don't dwell on it. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are away from family too. Without exception, we travel to them more than they have ever traveled to visit us. Both sides of the family. DH and I each have one sister that visits us but we still visit them two times out of three. For parents it is/was three times out of four. for DH's other siblings, it is basically us traveling to them if we want to see them. Some of the circumstances are logical and apparent, others are not. The upside is that we determine who we visit and for how long. It is just the way it is. Don't be a bean counter that leads down the path of resentment.

There's quite a difference between being a "bean counter" and expecting family to do SOME of the traveling to see you instead of ALWAYS going to see them. Bean counting is worrying about 55-45, not 0 vs 100.

I disagree. As I posted, DH has two sibling where it has been 100:0. I do not get wrapped around the axle about it. I want my children to have a relationship with their aunt, uncle and cousins. So, we travel. We don't see them as often as the others, we we still make the effort and I don't bean count it.

That's great for you. But who cares? You're not the OP. This is OP's thread about OP's problem. You're not offering advice, you're telling her not to feel the way she feels. Go start your own "I'm a perfect non-bean-counter" thread.

I have obviously struck a nerve. My advice to you is the same to the OP ( if indeed you are separate posters), let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are away from family too. Without exception, we travel to them more than they have ever traveled to visit us. Both sides of the family. DH and I each have one sister that visits us but we still visit them two times out of three. For parents it is/was three times out of four. for DH's other siblings, it is basically us traveling to them if we want to see them. Some of the circumstances are logical and apparent, others are not. The upside is that we determine who we visit and for how long. It is just the way it is. Don't be a bean counter that leads down the path of resentment.

There's quite a difference between being a "bean counter" and expecting family to do SOME of the traveling to see you instead of ALWAYS going to see them. Bean counting is worrying about 55-45, not 0 vs 100.

I disagree. As I posted, DH has two sibling where it has been 100:0. I do not get wrapped around the axle about it. I want my children to have a relationship with their aunt, uncle and cousins. So, we travel. We don't see them as often as the others, we we still make the effort and I don't bean count it.

That's great for you. But who cares? You're not the OP. This is OP's thread about OP's problem. You're not offering advice, you're telling her not to feel the way she feels. Go start your own "I'm a perfect non-bean-counter" thread.

I have obviously struck a nerve. My advice to you is the same to the OP ( if indeed you are separate posters), let it go.

Not either of the PPs, but your "advice" (which wasn't advice) was obnoxious. "Be more like me and do what I do; don't care about this problem that you care about" is not productive. This is a thread asking for helpful suggestions about OP's specific situation. What about that don't you get?

[Anonymous]

Op, resentment kills a relationship.

Not being as close but having no resentment is better than putting in more effort and feeling resentment. It's a balance. And never is "they should do x or y" because that's what's fair/or right/or loving - ever going to be helpful (unfortunately) People may bend to accommodate once an objection is known but seeing someone else out of obligation will not be satisfying to either party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, resentment kills a relationship.

Not being as close but having no resentment is better than putting in more effort and feeling resentment. It's a balance. And never is "they should do x or y" because that's what's fair/or right/or loving - ever going to be helpful (unfortunately) People may bend to accommodate once an objection is known but seeing someone else out of obligation will not be satisfying to either party.

OP here. You're totally right. I think the only way to stop the resentment is to back off on making effort for a bit, then re-evaluate later and wee where we are. Maybe they'll step up and start making an effort. Maybe we'll decide some amount of effort, even if unbalances, is worth it after all. You're right, though. I need to get rid of the resentment to move forward with this relationship, and I think the only way is to stop making sacrifices for the time being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are away from family too. Without exception, we travel to them more than they have ever traveled to visit us. Both sides of the family. DH and I each have one sister that visits us but we still visit them two times out of three. For parents it is/was three times out of four. for DH's other siblings, it is basically us traveling to them if we want to see them. Some of the circumstances are logical and apparent, others are not. The upside is that we determine who we visit and for how long. It is just the way it is. Don't be a bean counter that leads down the path of resentment.

There's quite a difference between being a "bean counter" and expecting family to do SOME of the traveling to see you instead of ALWAYS going to see them. Bean counting is worrying about 55-45, not 0 vs 100.

I disagree. As I posted, DH has two sibling where it has been 100:0. I do not get wrapped around the axle about it. I want my children to have a relationship with their aunt, uncle and cousins. So, we travel. We don't see them as often as the others, we we still make the effort and I don't bean count it.

That's great for you. But who cares? You're not the OP. This is OP's thread about OP's problem. You're not offering advice, you're telling her not to feel the way she feels. Go start your own "I'm a perfect non-bean-counter" thread.

I have obviously struck a nerve. My advice to you is the same to the OP ( if indeed you are separate posters), let it go.

Not either of the PPs, but your "advice" (which wasn't advice) was obnoxious. "Be more like me and do what I do; don't care about this problem that you care about" is not productive. This is a thread asking for helpful suggestions about OP's specific situation. What about that don't you get?

You can learn quite a bit from someone who has been there done that.

[Anonymous]

OP, you've described my family to a T. I don't get why it bothers you so much. If they are around when you visit, you see them. If they are not around, then we don't see them on that visit. But, just because one or another of my siblings isn't around during a visit doesn't mean we cut them off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are away from family too. Without exception, we travel to them more than they have ever traveled to visit us. Both sides of the family. DH and I each have one sister that visits us but we still visit them two times out of three. For parents it is/was three times out of four. for DH's other siblings, it is basically us traveling to them if we want to see them. Some of the circumstances are logical and apparent, others are not. The upside is that we determine who we visit and for how long. It is just the way it is. Don't be a bean counter that leads down the path of resentment.

There's quite a difference between being a "bean counter" and expecting family to do SOME of the traveling to see you instead of ALWAYS going to see them. Bean counting is worrying about 55-45, not 0 vs 100.

I disagree. As I posted, DH has two sibling where it has been 100:0. I do not get wrapped around the axle about it. I want my children to have a relationship with their aunt, uncle and cousins. So, we travel. We don't see them as often as the others, we we still make the effort and I don't bean count it.

That's great for you. But who cares? You're not the OP. This is OP's thread about OP's problem. You're not offering advice, you're telling her not to feel the way she feels. Go start your own "I'm a perfect non-bean-counter" thread.

I have obviously struck a nerve. My advice to you is the same to the OP ( if indeed you are separate posters), let it go.

Not either of the PPs, but your "advice" (which wasn't advice) was obnoxious. "Be more like me and do what I do; don't care about this problem that you care about" is not productive. This is a thread asking for helpful suggestions about OP's specific situation. What about that don't you get?

OP here. Thanks for this.

[Anonymous]

Did you plan the trip in question specifically to see your sister, or was this a combo visit to see both your sister & your ILs? I think if it's the former, then that's pretty shitty of your sister to plan a vacation away while you're specifically coming to see her. If the latter, then she probably didn't realize that you were extending the length of trip to make room to see her too.

Only one of my siblings has ever come out here specifically to see me - ironically, he's the one I'm not really in touch with - but for all the others, we just tag on a side trip to see each other when we happen to already be nearby for other reasons. My brother comes down to see me when he has east coast conferences to attend. I met up with my sister for a couple of days when she was visiting friends in NYC. I make a day trip or two down to San Diego to see my brother when I'm already in California to see my parents. We don't make annual trips, out of our way, to see each other. We tag it on when it's easy enough. If our situation, it would not be a huge deal to do what your sister has done - assume that the trip was for other purposes (which is true) and say, sorry to miss you this time, we're not going to be in town, but hope to catch you next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you've described my family to a T. I don't get why it bothers you so much. If they are around when you visit, you see them. If they are not around, then we don't see them on that visit. But, just because one or another of my siblings isn't around during a visit doesn't mean we cut them off.

The point of the visit is half to see them, half to see my husband's parents. We'd love to jet off to Hawaii or wherever too but we make sacrifices to see family.