Reply to How to deal with in-laws who make zero effort

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, your family has let the relatives get so used to the idea that you do all the traveling that they don't even consider the idea of doing any traveling themselves.

Have you ever said directly, "We're inviting you to come to us this year for (holiday X)." If they reply "But we thought you'd come here as usual," you can say, "I know we've usually done the travelling but we would like to host YOU this year. If you can't make it for holiday X, then let's plan on what works for you, like holiday Y." And then you plan to stay home for holiday X whether or not you end up hosting.

If you live the farthest away, that's really no excuse on their part not to EVER travel, but frankly some people just need to be invited quite specifically--dates given, talk about what you would take them to do and see, etc. The whole deal is different, of course, if there are people with health issues involved, or if one part of the family has real money issues or cannot take enough time off work to be the travelers. But if you've never asked, and just stewed silently as you book your travel plans, then ask. I know people sometimes say, "But I shouldn't have to ask!They should just know they can come here instead!" Not everyone knows that.

This winter holiday, say cheerily that you're staying home because you have special plans with the kids, then go out and do special stuff. Break the cycle. Invite the relatives or not, as you choose, but don't cave to expectations that you go -- and also don't be upset with them for never doing the traveling-- unless you have indeed asked and they keep refusing.

My friend (DC area) was always the one who did all the traveling to her siblings' families (midwest and New England) for holidays. Finally she realized that everyone just assumed she would be the one to travel, so she said, very nicely, that she would really like to host one of the big holidays each year at her own place, and ever since, she hosts Thanksgiving and her sister hosts Christmas. Sometimes they reverse that, or some years she travels for both holidays -- there's no bean-counting. Another sibling has health issues that make traveling a real problem, so she goes out to see him once or twice a year, not at a holiday, and everyone's fine with it. No drama, no whines of "But you always come to US and it won't be Christmas unless it's at OUR house...." People just need to voice their wants maturely and give alternatives and offer specific ideas.

OP, it's really sad that you say you're so done you'd be OK with not seeing some family members again. I hope that was just the frustration talking and was a momentary thing. That statement made me wonder if there is more than just the travel issue at play between you and them--?[/quote]

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