Really awful meeting with parent. Moving forward tips?

[Anonymous]

Yesterday after school, I met with a parent about his child's performance in my class. It's a classic situation of a high performing parent who is distressed over a child earning mostly Bs. There's the occasional A or C. Past year's report card grades in the same subject have also been mostly Bs. During the meeting, I encouraged the student to share why she felt she wasn't earning As. Instead, the dad kept prompting verbally that she was bored and not challenged. I really wasn't interested in spending our limited time on the defensive rather than trying to get to the root causes and brainstorm strategies. So, I agreed that she "might be bored, but..." although I don't really believe that.
I think that was a huge mistake. The dad was no longer interested in anything except how I was going to enrich instruction for his daughter. He didn't want to look at her work to compare it to the samples of "A" student work. Nor did he want to discuss alternative methods she could use if her current ones weren't working. The worse part was that his daughter looked really worried when he talked about making the course more challenging for her.
I'm not a rookie teacher. I was just tired at the end of the day at the end of the week. Is there a way to fix this so I can really help the student?

[Anonymous]

How old is she? Can you meet with her separately to discuss an action plan?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. I've been teaching for a decade and have had a handful of parents like this, and they don't change. The dad believes YOU are the reason his daughter isn't getting As: you aren't a good enough teacher, you aren't "challenging" her, or you don't like her. The very worst case of this that i experienced involved a mom whose husband informed me that he didn't agree with his wife (but he allowed her to shout at me and complain about me to other parents and admin, all year). My advice to you is to communicate regularly about the situation with admin, keep a very careful paper trail and be meticulous about student records/work samples, and--most importantly--try to get an admin or colleague to sit in on the next meeting with the parent. This kind of thing, with this kind of parent, can get very ugly if the parent decides to go over your head: you should have someone else present at meetings.

Oh, and I know it is hard, but try to practice "turning off" your teacher brain in the evening. This kind of thing used to keep me up all night, fretting, but it is very important that you can find a way to relax and rest properly at night.

[Anonymous]

No advice, OP, just sympathy. I feel very badly for both you and the student.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. I've been teaching for a decade and have had a handful of parents like this, and they don't change. The dad believes YOU are the reason his daughter isn't getting As: you aren't a good enough teacher, you aren't "challenging" her, or you don't like her. The very worst case of this that i experienced involved a mom whose husband informed me that he didn't agree with his wife (but he allowed her to shout at me and complain about me to other parents and admin, all year). My advice to you is to communicate regularly about the situation with admin, keep a very careful paper trail and be meticulous about student records/work samples, and--most importantly--try to get an admin or colleague to sit in on the next meeting with the parent. This kind of thing, with this kind of parent, can get very ugly if the parent decides to go over your head: you should have someone else present at meetings.

Oh, and I know it is hard, but try to practice "turning off" your teacher brain in the evening. This kind of thing used to keep me up all night, fretting, but it is very important that you can find a way to relax and rest properly at night.

+1000

[Anonymous]

I would talk to your admin about this stat so it's on their radar. Like a PP said, document everything. If you have a team leader I would let them know as well. Unfortunately there is not much you will be able to do to change this man's mind. He is blame shifting and at the same time deflating his daughters self esteem. You can always try to shift the ball back to his court and assign extra study work to this child that the family has to sign off on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is she? Can you meet with her separately to discuss an action plan?

+1. With parents like that, she could probably use someone who will work with her constructively and positively, and doesn't just tear her down for not doing better.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all! She's 12. Which can be a hard age anyway.
These are great tips. I definitely will give admin a heads up and agree that I need to work on not making this a 24-7 job.

[Anonymous]

This is a new one for me - a parent who is upset his kid is only making Bs, so right away the kid is not living up to his high expectations - but it's someone else's fault. I wonder how it feels to be a child who gets the message that they're a disappointment *and* there's nothing they can do about it because it's the teacher's fault. Pretty toxic message there.

[Anonymous]

Really unprofessional to post such detailed scenarios on the Internet. I would be livid if I as a parent found this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really unprofessional to post such detailed scenarios on the Internet. I would be livid if I as a parent found this.

Teacher here. I agree.

I understand you need a sounding board OP, but I would've spoken to colleagues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really unprofessional to post such detailed scenarios on the Internet. I would be livid if I as a parent found this.

Teacher here. I agree.

I understand you need a sounding board OP, but I would've spoken to colleagues.

No, I disagree completely. The other colleagues could guess who OP means, whereas no one on DCUM could productively guess - there are a ton of situations like these all over the area! I have a friend who acts this way with teachers about her child (but not the same age) and I've heard of plenty of other parents like this.
This is what online forums are good for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really unprofessional to post such detailed scenarios on the Internet. I would be livid if I as a parent found this.

Really? The details are commonplace and the OP probably changed some things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. I've been teaching for a decade and have had a handful of parents like this, and they don't change. The dad believes YOU are the reason his daughter isn't getting As: you aren't a good enough teacher, you aren't "challenging" her, or you don't like her. The very worst case of this that i experienced involved a mom whose husband informed me that he didn't agree with his wife (but he allowed her to shout at me and complain about me to other parents and admin, all year). My advice to you is to communicate regularly about the situation with admin, keep a very careful paper trail and be meticulous about student records/work samples, and--most importantly--try to get an admin or colleague to sit in on the next meeting with the parent. This kind of thing, with this kind of parent, can get very ugly if the parent decides to go over your head: you should have someone else present at meetings.

Oh, and I know it is hard, but try to practice "turning off" your teacher brain in the evening. This kind of thing used to keep me up all night, fretting, but it is very important that you can find a way to relax and rest properly at night.

What exactly was he supposed to do about her? Beat hear? Lock her in her room?

My husband doesn't "allow" me to do anything. I'm an adult. I do as I please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really unprofessional to post such detailed scenarios on the Internet. I would be livid if I as a parent found this.

Seriously? There is nothing identifying here. Teacher is asking for suggestions to improve the situation. I think this is a productive post