MIL has decided to cut us out because we won't take sides in her feud with BIL

[Anonymous]

Here's the background (and I apologize in advance if it's long and/or confusing). The players include MIL, DH, and DH's siblings (BIL1, BIL2, SIL).

About four months ago BIL1 and BIL2 had a pretty serious fight caused by BIL2's irresponsibility, which caused him to almost ruin BIL1's wedding. BIL1 understandably got angry with BIL2, but then MIL jumped in and took BIL2's side. BIL1 then became angry at MIL for taking his brother's side, and they have been fighting over text messages for the past couple of months. Now BIL1 is pretty thoroughly estranged from MIL and BIL2.

DH and his sister (SIL) have wisely tried to stay out of the fight. They have told everyone that they do not want to be involved, and have encouraged MIL and the BILs to try to make up with one another. DH and I, along with SIL, have continued to socialize with MIL and both BILs, albeit separately. However, I guess things have recently taken a turn for the even worse among MIL and BIL1. Now MIL is demanding that we cut off BIL1 and his family. She says that by continuing to see BIL1, we are "supporting" him and "taking his side." Apparently the straw that broke the camel's back is that DH, SIL, and I are going out to dinner with BIL1 and his wife to celebrate their newly announced pregnancy. In MIL's eyes, that makes us traitors.

DH and SIL have stood their ground, and have tried to tell their mother that she is being short sighted. It's going to make a future reconciliation between BIL1 and MIL that much harder if we are all estranged from him.

MIL has now decided that she needs to take a break from her relationships with both us and SIL (those were her own words). She keeps sending me texts about how much she misses our kids, but she refuses to come see us, or let us visit her

This is such a strange situation for us. MIL has always been an excellent mother-in-law, and she absolutely adores her grandkids. I'm not sure if the woman has lost her damn mind, or been replaced by an alien pod person. I don't see any other explanation for why she has chosen to become estranged from 3 of her 4 children.

I'm not sure if this is a vent, or I'm looking for words of wisdom. Any thoughts are appreciated. This is such a new and baffling situation for me (my parents, siblings, and I don't play games like this, so this is my first time experiencing estrangement and the fallout).

tl;dr My usually sane MIL is feuding with my BIL, and has recently decided to become estranged from us because we refuse to choose sides and cut off BIL.

[Anonymous]

Give her time and space. Hopefully she will miss your grandkids too much to stay away long. Cute them up and send pictures.

Stick with the BIL. Continue not taking sides.

[Anonymous]

"We will not cut off access from any family member. That includes BIL1, and it includes you, too, MIL. If and when you would like to be a part of our family again, we will be ready and willing. I hope that will be soon, as the children miss you already."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"We will not cut off access from any family member. That includes BIL1, and it includes you, too, MIL. If and when you would like to be a part of our family again, we will be ready and willing. I hope that will be soon, as the children miss you already."

Yes this.

Your husband never mentioned any favoritism before?

[Anonymous]

She's trying too troll you. Keep it simple: "We are sorry you are having problems with BIL. But you are both adults, and can choose to work it out, or not, between yourselves. Family is very important to us, and our door is always open to you and to BIL."

[Anonymous]

I like the advice you've received.

She needs to have some time to cool off (as does your BIL1).

[Anonymous]

Keep going the way you are going. If she texts you saying she misses the kids, I would invite her over. I think she will eventually take you up on it.

I assume BIL2 has always been irresponsible or has some sort of addiction or something and she is his enabler. Perhaps she feels "he can't help it" (and if it is mental illness maybe he can't). Who knows, but I am guessing it is complex and deeply emotional!

My mother always has excuses for my youngest brother who frequently makes family events miserable. We don't "feud" because there are not enough of us, and I live thousands of miles away so only see them infrequently anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"We will not cut off access from any family member. That includes BIL1, and it includes you, too, MIL. If and when you would like to be a part of our family again, we will be ready and willing. I hope that will be soon, as the children miss you already."

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"We will not cut off access from any family member. That includes BIL1, and it includes you, too, MIL. If and when you would like to be a part of our family again, we will be ready and willing. I hope that will be soon, as the children miss you already."

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"We will not cut off access from any family member. That includes BIL1, and it includes you, too, MIL. If and when you would like to be a part of our family again, we will be ready and willing. I hope that will be soon, as the children miss you already."

This is good. Continue to not let yourselves be dragged into who is right/wrong. Give it some time to settle down and leave the door open to everyone.

[Anonymous]

I have to ask, what did BIL2 do? Forget the tuxes? Get really drunk?

[Anonymous]

The question is whether this is a new behavior or whether this is the kind of power play MIL likes to engage in routinely, which on this occasion has deepened into a crisis.

It's important to know, because if she's developing Alzheimer's, the two BILs have an urgent reason to reconcile and come up (along with the rest of the family) with organized support for her.

In the meantime, of course, everyone has to continue living their lives and ignoring MIL's threats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The question is whether this is a new behavior or whether this is the kind of power play MIL likes to engage in routinely, which on this occasion has deepened into a crisis.

It's important to know, becauses, if she's developing Alzheimer' the two BILs have an urgent reason to reconcile and come up (along with the rest of the family) with organized support for her.

In the meantime, of course, everyone has to continue living their lives and ignoring MIL's threats.

Maybe the MIL's erratic behavior is due to Alzheimers, or maybe it's just her. Even if she does develop Alzheimers, she may forget this episode but still remember something from the past. It's a lose-lose situation. Keep MIL at arms-lenghth distance. She is sounds like a black hole.

[Anonymous]

I might try to talk to her not about the merits of cutting off a particular family member, or who was right or wrong, but instead about your concern about her. "MIL, I understand you're upset with BIL1, and I'm not going to try to talk you out of that. I'm concerned about you, though, because your reaction to it seems so unlike you. You've always been so loving and caring toward all of your children and grandchildren, before all of this I never could have imagined you cutting off any of your family over a dispute. Can we talk about how you're doing with all of this?" See what she says, see if it's possible to open a dialogue about her health (both emotional and physical) and how it might be affecting her reaction. You may not get anywhere, but it's worth a shot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"We will not cut off access from any family member. That includes BIL1, and it includes you, too, MIL. If and when you would like to be a part of our family again, we will be ready and willing. I hope that will be soon, as the children miss you already."

+1

Yeah, this.