MIL has decided to cut us out because we won't take sides in her feud with BIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The question is whether this is a new behavior or whether this is the kind of power play MIL likes to engage in routinely, which on this occasion has deepened into a crisis.

It's important to know, because if she's developing Alzheimer's, the two BILs have an urgent reason to reconcile and come up (along with the rest of the family) with organized support for her.

In the meantime, of course, everyone has to continue living their lives and ignoring MIL's threats.

And this, too.

[Anonymous]

"I am saddened by the division within the family and for the hurt you're going through, but our weighing in at this point to take sides will not contribute to reconciliation, which is our only stake in this situation. Our love for you has not changed due to your estrangement with BIL and we hope to see you soon."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"We will not cut off access from any family member. That includes BIL1, and it includes you, too, MIL. If and when you would like to be a part of our family again, we will be ready and willing. I hope that will be soon, as the children miss you already."

+1

Yeah, this.

Agree, but I would word it a little differently. The above message sounds like you're digging in and giving her an ultimatum. I would say:
"We are not involved in the argument between BIL1 and BIL2 and will not choose sides. We want maintain a good relationship with each of you. You have always been a good mother, mother-in-law and grandmother to our family, so please know that our door is always open for you. You will always be welcome in our home and we hope we get to see you soon as the children already miss you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"We will not cut off access from any family member. That includes BIL1, and it includes you, too, MIL. If and when you would like to be a part of our family again, we will be ready and willing. I hope that will be soon, as the children miss you already."

+1

Yeah, this.

Agree, but I would word it a little differently. The above message sounds like you're digging in and giving her an ultimatum. I would say:
"We are not involved in the argument between BIL1 and BIL2 and will not choose sides. We want maintain a good relationship with each of you. You have always been a good mother, mother-in-law and grandmother to our family, so please know that our door is always open for you. You will always be welcome in our home and we hope we get to see you soon as the children already miss you."

Too clunky. I like the first version better.

[Anonymous]

You've gotten great advice, OP - a therapist couldn't do any better. This is the best of DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone, OP back finally. Thanks for all the advice. Lots of good stuff to think about. We're definitely going to do our best to stay out of it, but DH is trying to keep the lines of communication open with MIL, in case she comes to her senses. I have continued to text her photos of the kids, like I was doing pre-estrangement (plus seeing cute photos of her grandkids can't hurt).

For the earlier PP who asked what BIL2 did at the wedding, I don't want to go into specifics, but it involved painkillers, over sleeping by 5(!) hours, and showing up minutes before the wedding began (he was the best man) looking like he had just been hit by a truck.

[Anonymous]

Yet another woman who married a doormat who can't stand up to his mommy and is frustrated when the husband can't straighten his own family's shit out.

OP, why isn't your husband able to deal with his mother's manipulative bullshit? She sounds like a horrible witch.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't have Alzheimer's and this doesn't represent any kind of change.

The MIL has always been this way but kept it hidden from OP and the brothers have all been enablers too.

I suspect all the getting married of her children and having kids is starting to freak her out, maybe she feels she's losing control over her "children."

If she can keep the whole family in turmoil, one against the other, then she can remain the spider in the middle of the web, making the helpless flies dance on the strings.

It's so obvious how manipulative she is being. I'm not sure how OP could have missed it.

She probably encouraged BIL1 to screw up whatever he did wrong in the wedding in the first place--why not use a proxy to screw up BIL2's wedding?

Now she is just continuing that strategy to more family members.

Treating someone like this gently is a mistake.

OP, as soon as she started that manipulative bullshit with your husband, he should have said "Mom I love you but cut the shit with your emotional manipulation. We'll go out to eat with who we damn well please. Grow up and stop being such a shit-stirrer."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I am saddened by the division within the family and for the hurt you're going through, but our weighing in at this point to take sides will not contribute to reconciliation, which is our only stake in this situation. Our love for you has not changed due to your estrangement with BIL and we hope to see you soon."

This is no good since it absolves MIL of any responsibility for her manipulative behavior. So it will continue.

She's grossly at fault here. You're all adults. She's toxic. Tell her to stop, don't pretend that it's anything other than her bad attitude that is the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't have Alzheimer's and this doesn't represent any kind of change.

The MIL has always been this way but kept it hidden from OP and the brothers have all been enablers too.

I suspect all the getting married of her children and having kids is starting to freak her out, maybe she feels she's losing control over her "children."

If she can keep the whole family in turmoil, one against the other, then she can remain the spider in the middle of the web, making the helpless flies dance on the strings.

It's so obvious how manipulative she is being. I'm not sure how OP could have missed it.

She probably encouraged BIL1 to screw up whatever he did wrong in the wedding in the first place--why not use a proxy to screw up BIL2's wedding?

Now she is just continuing that strategy to more family members.

Treating someone like this gently is a mistake.

OP, as soon as she started that manipulative bullshit with your husband, he should have said "Mom I love you but cut the shit with your emotional manipulation. We'll go out to eat with who we damn well please. Grow up and stop being such a shit-stirrer."

Wow. You don't think you're projecting just a little bit here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"We will not cut off access from any family member. That includes BIL1, and it includes you, too, MIL. If and when you would like to be a part of our family again, we will be ready and willing. I hope that will be soon, as the children miss you already."

+1

Yeah, this.

Agree, but I would word it a little differently. The above message sounds like you're digging in and giving her an ultimatum. I would say:
"We are not involved in the argument between BIL1 and BIL2 and will not choose sides. We want maintain a good relationship with each of you. You have always been a good mother, mother-in-law and grandmother to our family, so please know that our door is always open for you. You will always be welcome in our home and we hope we get to see you soon as the children already miss you."

Too clunky. I like the first version better.

+1
First version is great.