How to support brother during divorce?

[Anonymous]

Divorce papers were served last week (wife has been having an affair with a coworker for the past two years). There's a small child involved.

We're in different cities. Anything I can do besides just listen and encourage civility?

[Anonymous]

Continue to call and text, he may need someone to vent to-and LISTEN. Do not offer advice, do not offer solutions, just listen to his stories over and over again if needed. The purge is important if he wants to get it out.
Also a nice card with some of his favorite cookies (or care package) would be thoughtful. It is hard to feel loved and cared for after such betrayal.
Signed the Ex Wife of a Cheater

[Anonymous]

Divorcee here. Listen a lot and don't take sides (i.e. "encouraging civility") unless specifically asked. My sibling is one of the few people with whom I can speak openly about my ex. Yes, that means sometimes trashing him and saying some really harsh things. I have to get it out somewhere. We both know that friends sometimes get tired of listening to the same complaints, mutual friends don't want to be caught in middle, and kids should not hear this stuff, so she knows her role sometimes is just to let me vent.

[Anonymous]

Also the ex spouse of a cheater:

-Invite him to come out for a visit if he needs to get away.
-If you can realistically go visit him, offer to help him move.
-This is going to differ by family, but ex and I are both from tiny families, and we moved to a new city right before the divorce so I don't have longterm local friends. I really want my young daughter to grow up around people who care about her. So I really appreciate it when people reach out to us as a family. Maybe offer something like a yearly family trip or visit that you can all do together that would be fun for his kid.
-Understand that it can be a long process of dealing with grief and anger, and don't push him to "get over it" before he's ready.

[Anonymous]

I replied about, but in response to "encouraging civility." I think it's important to encourage your brother to be a good co-parent and not engage in any behavior that would hurt him in terms of custody. But it's also okay for you to say that his ex wife behaved badly and did wrong by him, and that he has every right to be angry at her-he just can't act on those feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorcee here. Listen a lot and don't take sides (i.e. "encouraging civility") unless specifically asked. My sibling is one of the few people with whom I can speak openly about my ex. Yes, that means sometimes trashing him and saying some really harsh things. I have to get it out somewhere. We both know that friends sometimes get tired of listening to the same complaints, mutual friends don't want to be caught in middle, and kids should not hear this stuff, so she knows her role sometimes is just to let me vent.

OP. I get this, totally, and it's what I've done. But when he said he filed on grounds of adultery because someday he wants their kid to know what mom did, I had to bite my tongue. Hoping he can get past the toxicity as the years to by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorcee here. Listen a lot and don't take sides (i.e. "encouraging civility") unless specifically asked. My sibling is one of the few people with whom I can speak openly about my ex. Yes, that means sometimes trashing him and saying some really harsh things. I have to get it out somewhere. We both know that friends sometimes get tired of listening to the same complaints, mutual friends don't want to be caught in middle, and kids should not hear this stuff, so she knows her role sometimes is just to let me vent.

OP. I get this, totally, and it's what I've done. But when he said he filed on grounds of adultery because someday he wants their kid to know what mom did, I had to bite my tongue. Hoping he can get past the toxicity as the years to by.

You do have to bite your tongue, especially because it's a done deal now. If it's any comfort, I know about my mom's affair (I caught them when I was 14) and it sucks and is gross, but it's not the end of the world for me. Don't sweat it too much. Just focus on being a source of calm, reliable support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorcee here. Listen a lot and don't take sides (i.e. "encouraging civility") unless specifically asked. My sibling is one of the few people with whom I can speak openly about my ex. Yes, that means sometimes trashing him and saying some really harsh things. I have to get it out somewhere. We both know that friends sometimes get tired of listening to the same complaints, mutual friends don't want to be caught in middle, and kids should not hear this stuff, so she knows her role sometimes is just to let me vent.

OP. I get this, totally, and it's what I've done. But when he said he filed on grounds of adultery because someday he wants their kid to know what mom did, I had to bite my tongue. Hoping he can get past the toxicity as the years to by.

Honestly, I also want my kids to know someday what their Dad did in terms of cheating. (Read about adult children of alcoholics.) IME, infidelity is like alcoholism in terms of its effect on kids - everyone is lying or refusing to acknowledge the truth about the situation and so kids grow up with a really skewed sense of self and warped social sense of social interaction. IME, it corrodes not protects a family to be keeping seceets. That said, I don't think kids need to know every last detail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorcee here. Listen a lot and don't take sides (i.e. "encouraging civility") unless specifically asked. My sibling is one of the few people with whom I can speak openly about my ex. Yes, that means sometimes trashing him and saying some really harsh things. I have to get it out somewhere. We both know that friends sometimes get tired of listening to the same complaints, mutual friends don't want to be caught in middle, and kids should not hear this stuff, so she knows her role sometimes is just to let me vent.

OP. I get this, totally, and it's what I've done. But when he said he filed on grounds of adultery because someday he wants their kid to know what mom did, I had to bite my tongue. Hoping he can get past the toxicity as the years to by.

Honestly, I also want my kids to know someday what their Dad did in terms of cheating. (Read about adult children of alcoholics.) IME, infidelity is like alcoholism in terms of its effect on kids - everyone is lying or refusing to acknowledge the truth about the situation and so kids grow up with a really skewed sense of self and warped social sense of social interaction. IME, it corrodes not protects a family to be keeping seceets. That said, I don't think kids need to know every last detail.

+1. In the long run, I'm glad I know. Otherwise it would be very hard to make sense of the behavior of others in my family. Sometimes after a lot of lies, it's very refreshing to know the truth. I'm not saying you should tell a young child, but I wouldn't want this to be kept from me after, say, age 16.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorcee here. Listen a lot and don't take sides (i.e. "encouraging civility") unless specifically asked. My sibling is one of the few people with whom I can speak openly about my ex. Yes, that means sometimes trashing him and saying some really harsh things. I have to get it out somewhere. We both know that friends sometimes get tired of listening to the same complaints, mutual friends don't want to be caught in middle, and kids should not hear this stuff, so she knows her role sometimes is just to let me vent.

OP. I get this, totally, and it's what I've done. But when he said he filed on grounds of adultery because someday he wants their kid to know what mom did, I had to bite my tongue. Hoping he can get past the toxicity as the years to by.

You don't think your niece/nephew should ever find out that their family broke up due to the mother's cheating on the father?

Not very supportive of you.

[Anonymous]

Tell him not to move out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorcee here. Listen a lot and don't take sides (i.e. "encouraging civility") unless specifically asked. My sibling is one of the few people with whom I can speak openly about my ex. Yes, that means sometimes trashing him and saying some really harsh things. I have to get it out somewhere. We both know that friends sometimes get tired of listening to the same complaints, mutual friends don't want to be caught in middle, and kids should not hear this stuff, so she knows her role sometimes is just to let me vent.

OP. I get this, totally, and it's what I've done. But when he said he filed on grounds of adultery because someday he wants their kid to know what mom did, I had to bite my tongue. Hoping he can get past the toxicity as the years to by.

You do have to bite your tongue, especially because it's a done deal now. If it's any comfort, I know about my mom's affair (I caught them when I was 14) and it sucks and is gross, but it's not the end of the world for me. Don't sweat it too much. Just focus on being a source of calm, reliable support.

Whoa! So sorry that happened to you, PP? How's your relationship with your mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him not to move out.

Different poster here: WHY? Why shouldn't he leave if he can?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorcee here. Listen a lot and don't take sides (i.e. "encouraging civility") unless specifically asked. My sibling is one of the few people with whom I can speak openly about my ex. Yes, that means sometimes trashing him and saying some really harsh things. I have to get it out somewhere. We both know that friends sometimes get tired of listening to the same complaints, mutual friends don't want to be caught in middle, and kids should not hear this stuff, so she knows her role sometimes is just to let me vent.

OP. I get this, totally, and it's what I've done. But when he said he filed on grounds of adultery because someday he wants their kid to know what mom did, I had to bite my tongue. Hoping he can get past the toxicity as the years to by.

You don't think your niece/nephew should ever find out that their family broke up due to the mother's cheating on the father?

Not very supportive of you.

Pushing the blame on one parent is terrible for the kids, even if the parent cheated. Two people make up a marriage; two people make up a divorce. What happens in steepen is rarely 100% one person's fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorcee here. Listen a lot and don't take sides (i.e. "encouraging civility") unless specifically asked. My sibling is one of the few people with whom I can speak openly about my ex. Yes, that means sometimes trashing him and saying some really harsh things. I have to get it out somewhere. We both know that friends sometimes get tired of listening to the same complaints, mutual friends don't want to be caught in middle, and kids should not hear this stuff, so she knows her role sometimes is just to let me vent.

OP. I get this, totally, and it's what I've done. But when he said he filed on grounds of adultery because someday he wants their kid to know what mom did, I had to bite my tongue. Hoping he can get past the toxicity as the years to by.

You don't think your niece/nephew should ever find out that their family broke up due to the mother's cheating on the father?

Not very supportive of you.

Pushing the blame on one parent is terrible for the kids, even if the parent cheated. Two people make up a marriage; two people make up a divorce. What happens in steepen is rarely 100% one person's fault.

"In between"