How to support brother during divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorcee here. Listen a lot and don't take sides (i.e. "encouraging civility") unless specifically asked. My sibling is one of the few people with whom I can speak openly about my ex. Yes, that means sometimes trashing him and saying some really harsh things. I have to get it out somewhere. We both know that friends sometimes get tired of listening to the same complaints, mutual friends don't want to be caught in middle, and kids should not hear this stuff, so she knows her role sometimes is just to let me vent.

OP. I get this, totally, and it's what I've done. But when he said he filed on grounds of adultery because someday he wants their kid to know what mom did, I had to bite my tongue. Hoping he can get past the toxicity as the years to by.

You don't think your niece/nephew should ever find out that their family broke up due to the mother's cheating on the father?

Not very supportive of you.

Her finding out and him WANTING her to find out feel like two different things to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him not to move out.

Different poster here: WHY? Why shouldn't he leave if he can?

He didn't cheat. The guy always thinks he "should" move out and be the "good guy". The kids don't care about the affair, they just know their dad left them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorcee here. Listen a lot and don't take sides (i.e. "encouraging civility") unless specifically asked. My sibling is one of the few people with whom I can speak openly about my ex. Yes, that means sometimes trashing him and saying some really harsh things. I have to get it out somewhere. We both know that friends sometimes get tired of listening to the same complaints, mutual friends don't want to be caught in middle, and kids should not hear this stuff, so she knows her role sometimes is just to let me vent.

OP. I get this, totally, and it's what I've done. But when he said he filed on grounds of adultery because someday he wants their kid to know what mom did, I had to bite my tongue. Hoping he can get past the toxicity as the years to by.

You do have to bite your tongue, especially because it's a done deal now. If it's any comfort, I know about my mom's affair (I caught them when I was 14) and it sucks and is gross, but it's not the end of the world for me. Don't sweat it too much. Just focus on being a source of calm, reliable support.

Whoa! So sorry that happened to you, PP? How's your relationship with your mom?

Eh, it's ok. It was quite bad when I was in high school, of course. But I don't think it's because I know about the affair. We didn't get along that well before I found out, and she's said and done a lot of other crazy stuff too. I wish I hadn't found out so young and in such a retina-scarring way, but I think it would be harder to be kept ignorant for years and years and unable to make sense of our weird family dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorcee here. Listen a lot and don't take sides (i.e. "encouraging civility") unless specifically asked. My sibling is one of the few people with whom I can speak openly about my ex. Yes, that means sometimes trashing him and saying some really harsh things. I have to get it out somewhere. We both know that friends sometimes get tired of listening to the same complaints, mutual friends don't want to be caught in middle, and kids should not hear this stuff, so she knows her role sometimes is just to let me vent.

OP. I get this, totally, and it's what I've done. But when he said he filed on grounds of adultery because someday he wants their kid to know what mom did, I had to bite my tongue. Hoping he can get past the toxicity as the years to by.

You do have to bite your tongue, especially because it's a done deal now. If it's any comfort, I know about my mom's affair (I caught them when I was 14) and it sucks and is gross, but it's not the end of the world for me. Don't sweat it too much. Just focus on being a source of calm, reliable support.

Whoa! So sorry that happened to you, PP? How's your relationship with your mom?

NP here, I didn't catch my dad but he had chronic infidelity issues. My mom and him just weren't that compatible, which doesn't absolve him but its also reality that my mom wasn't this perfect woman for him that he just trashed. They made it work for a while, then not, then work, then not. My dad chose to cheat, it sucks having to deal with logistics of adult parents and now gaggles of step siblings sometimes but honestly, I have a great relationship with my dad. He's flawed, there are things about him as a dad I would change but I also love him very much and accept that I can't change people. He's great to my DH and my son as well. All that is to say that cheaters don't always have bad parental relationships, I'd wager a lot don't in fact!