Anyone found out their spouse is staying only because of the kids?

[Anonymous]

If so, how did you take it and what did you do? Feeling I may be in that situation.

[Anonymous]

My co-worker is counting the days. Loudly counting the days.

By chance to you have a son who is a senior in high school?

[Anonymous]

Nope. Much younger.

[Anonymous]

My coworker said her husband was only staying until their kids graduated. He's still around. I suspect things improved when they became empty-nesters. Parenting is tough on a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If so, how did you take it and what did you do? Feeling I may be in that situation.

Is spouse willing to work on things? Go to therapy or weekend couple's retreat?

[Anonymous]

I knew a couple people like this and once the kids graduated, the divorce process was started. Most are either re-married or single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If so, how did you take it and what did you do? Feeling I may be in that situation.

I may be crazy (sometimes I'm not sure, to be honest), but I have felt this way about my DH at various points when things have been bad. But then they always go back to being good with some hard work on both of our parts. Currently we're very solid and happy.

Do you want your marriage to survive? Are you scared your spouse has already checked out and it's too late? How do you feel about all of this?

[Anonymous]

I would guess half of marriages stay together because of the kids. Not saying that is a bad thing. Read the boards, for example, libido mismatches that poison relationships. Without the kids, these people would move on to more compatible partners.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of people put up with more and work harder on their marriages when their are children who will be effected by divorcing. In my case, it's absolutely true I worked much, much harder on my marriage and didn't just throw in the towel because I knew how difficult it would be for my kids. I also cared for my spouse, but I don't think that alone would have been enough to put up with some of the issues we have been through. YMMV

[Anonymous]

My aunt and uncle did this, but they waited until their youngest finished culinary school. They started the process during his last semester, he graduated, and the marriage dissolved. Fortunately, my uncle worked about 80 hours a week so he didn't really have to deal with her toward the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people put up with more and work harder on their marriages when their are children who will be effected by divorcing. In my case, it's absolutely true I worked much, much harder on my marriage and didn't just throw in the towel because I knew how difficult it would be for my kids. I also cared for my spouse, but I don't think that alone would have been enough to put up with some of the issues we have been through. YMMV

This is us, and it makes sense. Long term marriages require work. Not fun work. There are ebbs and flows of course. But why put in work into something that should be fun and natural (relationships)? Without the kids, the natural route would be to split and find someone who you don't need to grind it out with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people put up with more and work harder on their marriages when their are children who will be effected by divorcing. In my case, it's absolutely true I worked much, much harder on my marriage and didn't just throw in the towel because I knew how difficult it would be for my kids. I also cared for my spouse, but I don't think that alone would have been enough to put up with some of the issues we have been through. YMMV

This is us, and it makes sense. Long term marriages require work. Not fun work. There are ebbs and flows of course. But why put in work into something that should be fun and natural (relationships)? Without the kids, the natural route would be to split and find someone who you don't need to grind it out with.

I don't think there are very many fun and natural relationships that do not require work. Maybe some people get very lucky.

[Anonymous]

If you suspect this, talk to your spouse. Unless the marriage is just broken, the fact that they are willing to stay around at all is a ray of hope.

When I was pregnant with my second I basically decided that I would pack my bags the day she starts college. A few months after she was born it hit me that I would be stuck in a marriage for another 18 years - that scared the crap out of me, i just could not imagine being unhappy for that long. I also knew that I could not break up the family, so I decided that I would do what I could to make the marriage work and be happy. The subsequent discussions with my DH was not always pleasant but in the end we decided to re-comit and work on the marriage. Still not perfect but I think we will be ok.

Good luck

[Anonymous]

@PP who posted at about 11:57 - how long ago was it that you all decided to try? May I ask what the issues where behind the unhappiness? I find myself in a similar situation and would love to hear (anonymously) from others how they survived and what they did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:@PP who posted at about 11:57 - how long ago was it that you all decided to try? May I ask what the issues where behind the unhappiness? I find myself in a similar situation and would love to hear (anonymously) from others how they survived and what they did.

There were a lot of issues. We had financial issues (after supporting a spouse through a grad school program, the spouse decided to not work and be a stay at home parent who did not clean, cook, and required the kids go to daycare two full days a week for his sanity.) I was pretty resentful considering I was doing the bulk of the household work while the spouse was in school and I was working full time and supporting our kids. It was exhausting. And financially, I made it clear we couldn't afford to not have the spouse work.

A second issue was the spouse's depression, which I think was linked to not finding work after grad school immediately. They refused therapy for a while. I went alone and came to the conclusion I could go it alone or try to rebuild my broken (and they were broken) spouse. After thinking about co-parenting with someone who was this deep in the depression and anger hole (and paying alimony and child support for that privilege), I chose the latter because my kids deserve better than that and I couldn't forgive myself for not trying to get my spouse help. Despite everything, I do deeply care for him. It was hard work. I gave up a ton of resentment. I let a lot of stuff go for the sake of keeping the peace.

Spouse eventually went to therapy and now really sees its value. They also got a job and are contributing more at home. I still do the bulk of everything but a big part of that is that I just don't trust my spouse to not lose it or fly off the handle. While he's a great parent, I know his limits and respond accordingly.

What I will admit is that I don't know if I will stick around post-children. I will be in my late forties when all is said and done (kids either finished with college or nearly done) and the idea of nearly 30 years alone with my spouse doesn't sound appealing at this point. So, the trade off is worth it now, but the calculus may change in the future.