Reply to Anyone found out their spouse is staying only because of the kids?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]@PP who posted at about 11:57 - how long ago was it that you all decided to try? May I ask what the issues where behind the unhappiness? I find myself in a similar situation and would love to hear (anonymously) from others how they survived and what they did. [/quote]

There were a lot of issues. We had financial issues (after supporting a spouse through a grad school program, the spouse decided to not work and be a stay at home parent who did not clean, cook, and required the kids go to daycare two full days a week for his sanity.) I was pretty resentful considering I was doing the bulk of the household work while the spouse was in school and I was working full time and supporting our kids. It was exhausting. And financially, I made it clear we couldn't afford to not have the spouse work.

A second issue was the spouse's depression, which I think was linked to not finding work after grad school immediately. They refused therapy for a while. I went alone and came to the conclusion I could go it alone or try to rebuild my broken (and they were broken) spouse. After thinking about co-parenting with someone who was this deep in the depression and anger hole (and paying alimony and child support for that privilege), I chose the latter because my kids deserve better than that and I couldn't forgive myself for not trying to get my spouse help.  Despite everything, I do deeply care for him. It was hard work. I gave up a ton of resentment. I let a lot of stuff go for the sake of keeping the peace.

Spouse eventually went to therapy and now really sees its value. They also got a job and are contributing more at home. I still do the bulk of everything but a big part of that is that I just don't trust my spouse to not lose it or fly off the handle. While he's a great parent, I know his limits and respond accordingly.

What I will admit is that I don't know if I will stick around post-children. I will be in my late forties when all is said and done (kids either finished with college or nearly done) and the idea of nearly 30 years alone with my spouse doesn't sound appealing at this point. So, the trade off is worth it now, but the calculus may change in the future. [/quote]

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