What to you expect from your SAH spouse?

[Anonymous]

I was laid off about 5 months ago, and by default became a SAHM.

I will say that I have a 4 y/o and a 2 y/o, and they still go to daycare twice a week so I can job hunt/have a bit of breathing room (DH isn't always around on weekends, so it's not like I get 4 days off or anything!) Due to external issues, I handled a bunch of things for the first two/three months that could have been an issue if I wasn't around 100% of the time (e.g., selling our old house, helping a sick relative, that type of thing) so I've only been able to actually been able to work on job searches for a little while. (i.e., I am not sitting on my butt not doing a thing to get a new job). Finances are tight, but not unsustainable. Severance from my last position, profit from selling that last house that I owned, living in a much less expensive area, and investments mean that I have "income" left for the next 5-6 months before it's DH entirely supporting us. Even then, I have my own investments that (while I'd rather not tap them) means that money is not a dramatic issue. More along the lines of going to OC instead of Hawaii for a vacation.

I think I'm expected to do too much, but maybe it's me - we used to have a smaller house, smaller yard, smaller everything, outsourced a bit and split everything close to 50/50. Now I do literally everything... literally... everything... DH doesn't even pack his own lunch or take the Tupperware out of the bag that he leaves on the kitchen table.



So... title says it all. If you have a SAH spouse, what do you expect him/her to handle on a daily/weekly basis? Inside the house? Outside the house? do they do your laundry? Drop off dry cleaning? Schedule all DR apts (including yours?)? I guess I just need a reality check - is this really what a SAHP is expected to handle?

[Anonymous]

We're just a team. We figure it all out as a team.

[Anonymous]

As a SAH parent, I basically take care of everything that goes on in the house. I do the cleaning and cooking, I do the laundry and errands, I handle kids things like appointments, but I don't make them for DH. Chores that can't be done during the day (e.g., cleaning up after dinner, putting the kids to bed) are split 50/50 when he's home, but the expectation that I will work on the home front as hard during the week as he does at the office.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't mind helping out, including occasionally cleaning, errands, cooking or dealing with the kids, as needed, as long as the SAH was the "primary" for most of these tasks and seemed appreciative instead of resentful as many SAHs seem to be.

For me (and probably most men) the most important thing would be to not become resentful and act like you've sacrificed your life for me. I'd rather just hire a housecleaning service or a nanny than live with someone who is constantly carrying a cross. That's not directed at you. It's just in general.

[Anonymous]

Everything in the house and regarding kids. Dinner made most nights of the week.

Weekends should be split 50/50 and weeknight activities split.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everything in the house and regarding kids. Dinner made most nights of the week.

Weekends should be split 50/50 and weeknight activities split.

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

I'm a SAH parent. I mow the lawn, clean the house, do all the errands, all the laundry, cook dinner every night, pack the lunches for everyone. On weekends we are more 50/50, but during the week the kids and the home are my business.

[Anonymous]

I do all of the meal planning, shopping and cooking. Handle all of the kid stuff (appointments, school stuff, etc). We have a house cleaner every other week. I do the general stuff like cleaning the counters, keeping bathrooms clean, etc. I do all of the kid laundry. I do all of the errands. We hire out all of the lawn care.

[Anonymous]

I do and did everything except yard work. I even draw my husband a bath.

Whenever I'm having a hard time with something, my husband pitches in. He's a great cook, doesn't mind mopping or doing laundry.

We work side by side because two hands are better than one and everything gets done quicker.

He has never complained.

[Anonymous]

My dh is an adult, and I am not a maid. If he left his lunchbag with dirty tupperware on the kitchen table, that's where he'd find it the next morning.

I SAH with a 5yo and 3yo. I pretty much do everything in the house, including dinner each night, but after dinner one of us helps the kids get ready for bed and the other does the dishes. DH helps fold laundry in the evenings if it needs to be done. To be fair - he generates alot of it, between working out, office clothes, home clothes.

It's hard when the kids are little. My oldest just started school, and the youngest is in morning preschool for two hours each day, so I feel like there's a chance I'll start to catch up on things. But I do expect dh to act like a responsible member of the family and take care of things the family needs when he is at home.

[Anonymous]

My husband would never leave me a mess to clean up. When he's home, he is working as hard on the home as I am, if not more. He would never leave his dishes on the table, or clothing on the floor, or things like that.

When he gets home, he looks at what else needs to be done and just jumps right in. So if there's a basket of laundry to be folded but I'm busy cooking dinner while helping with homework, he'll start folding laundry.

[Anonymous]

I do a lot of the household stuff and most kid stuff. DH takes care of himself. I do all laundry (I'm picky about it) and he does dishes most of the time (he's picky about it). We split bedtime. Outsource house cleaning & lawn care. Weekends are closer to 50/50.

It's evolving as the kids get older though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everything in the house and regarding kids. Dinner made most nights of the week.

Weekends should be split 50/50 and weeknight activities split.

+1. OP sounds like my husband, but the ages of the kids are different. He was shocked when I cancelled our daughters afterschool care (@$500 per month), and that I was irritated that dinner was never cooked/thawed/or even thought about.

[Anonymous]

You SAH, you take care of the house, including messes made by your husband. Pack his lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dh is an adult, and I am not a maid. If he left his lunchbag with dirty tupperware on the kitchen table, that's where he'd find it the next morning.

I SAH with a 5yo and 3yo. I pretty much do everything in the house, including dinner each night, but after dinner one of us helps the kids get ready for bed and the other does the dishes. DH helps fold laundry in the evenings if it needs to be done. To be fair - he generates alot of it, between working out, office clothes, home clothes.

It's hard when the kids are little. My oldest just started school, and the youngest is in morning preschool for two hours each day, so I feel like there's a chance I'll start to catch up on things. But I do expect dh to act like a responsible member of the family and take care of things the family needs when he is at home.

I am a working DH with SAHM wife and this is us. She handles pretty much all of the domestic stuff but I help when I get home, especially with regard to the dinner to bedtime ritual. But to emphasize, SAHM DW handles pretty much 100% of the domestic otherwise (meals, groceries, doctors appointments, gift buying). Of course, if she is having a bad day or needs me to chip in more from time to time, I am willing to help. Weekend child watching is at least 50-50 if not more of me doing child stuff.