What to you expect from your SAH spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM and I am very appreciative of SAHPs, it may sound relaxing but if you do it the right way it's not. It's a lot of work and minus adult interaction( most of the time).

I'd love to know what this universal "right way" to SAH is. I'm pretty sure the "right way" is whatever works for each individual family.

OP: the way it's working in your house clearly isn't working bc you're unhappy and resentful. Figure out what you think is fair division of labor and talk to your husband about his expectations and meet somewhere in the middle. the age of the kids makes a huge difference in how much time a SAH parent has available to do any of this stuff so these answers will vary widely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're just a team. We figure it all out as a team.

This is it. Give and take. Do what works. Don't keep score. If I sense I'm doing more than half the work on something, whatever -- it'll come back to me in other ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do some things that 2 income couples might pay someone else to do ~ paint the house, do the taxes, cut the grass/lawn maintenance.

Since we live in the burbs DH takes a commuter train. If he misses the last train at 7pm, I drive downtown to pick him up (w/kids in tow) It's 90 minutes roundtrip. Their bed-time routine be damn*d.

If DH has the opportunity to go in late and the train schedule doesn't work, I'll drive him in.

I do what I can to ease the pressure of work. I do what I can to make our home-life pleasant and without chores expected during the weekend.

We try to give the best to each other, and try not to keep score.

Your kids must be little. With 3 boys in 1-2 sports each, we have ALL DRIVERS on deck. Not only could I not pick DH up, he needs to be home at night to help get the kids where they need to be. The logistics are so much harder now that the kids are older. No way could I have a partner who was only a paycheck.

[Anonymous]

DH mows the lawn, pays the bills, handles investments, packs his own work lunch, helps with dinner dishes/bedtime, does minor home repairs as needed.

I do everything else.

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHM and I would say everyone's situation looks different. There are some things your spouse may do way better than you do and vice versa. For example, my husband is way more thorough with vacuuming than I am and I care more about how the yard looks. So he vacuums and I mow. It sounds like you aren't happy with the current arrangement. Have you thought about sitting down with your husband and asking him to take some of your load or set up clear expectations? Maybe he assumes you WANT to do some of these things. Was he open to sharing duties prior to you being unemployed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everything in the house and regarding kids. Dinner made most nights of the week.

Weekends should be split 50/50 and weeknight activities split.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband would never leave me a mess to clean up. When he's home, he is working as hard on the home as I am, if not more. He would never leave his dishes on the table, or clothing on the floor, or things like that.

When he gets home, he looks at what else needs to be done and just jumps right in. So if there's a basket of laundry to be folded but I'm busy cooking dinner while helping with homework, he'll start folding laundry.

My husband is like this too. We both work hard. The only glitch is that he breaks everything he touches. I can't explain it. He is very hardworking, but careless.

[Anonymous]

Everyone is different, but to me, a SAH parent is agreeing to be the primary caretaker of the children. Im fine with helping out with various things around the house and with the kids. Im quite independent and capable of feeding myself, and doing laundry, but the SAH should be carrying most of the caretaker duties since I have to go to work. Otherwise, it doesn't seem fair.

[Anonymous]

SAH spouse needs to do virtually all domestic activities. I work 50 hours per week outside the home. I expect my SAHM DW to work equally hard at home (and she does). We are both very thankful for each other's contributions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -

OK... I guess that it's the job and it IS just me! I also do all the outdoor stuff (mowing the lawn, weeding, etc) & small handyman chores, but that's only a fraction of the effort all told.

I never had a SAHP, and obviously never appreciated how much effort it takes!


As a S/O for anyone reading this - do you thank your SAHM spouse for helping, or is it really just "expected"?

Do you thank your husband for working?

[Anonymous]

Not only could I not pick DH up, he needs to be home at night to help get the kids where they need to be.

Op I totally get that every family is different. Whatever works is the most important thing!
We forego activities in favor of keeping our household running smoothly (for us) and making sure
the working spouse is not stretched too this. I do no schedule any activities that would obligate
my husband re: driving kids to activities. We are not military, he is not a doctor on call, he is not
on heavy travel for work - but there are many types of families who probably have similar
constraints. Kids do do activities, but not a priority and not as many.

[Anonymous]

mean PP, not OP

[Anonymous]

OP, do you want to stay at home? If not, you'll be more resentful. It's easier to take the lumps when the situation is your choice.