Finding it harder and harder to relate to a friend
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
Just wondering if anyone else has been through this or has any thoughts...
I've been good friends with Emma (pseudonym) for 15 years. We both have children around the same age (I have one and she has two) but she's a SAHM and I have to work full-time (I'm not happy about it and would rather be a SAHM for a few years but that's not my reality). You would think that having children would bring us closer together but it's been the opposite. As the years have gone by her worldview has shrank and she seems to have trouble talking about anything besides her kids. I like talking about my son too but there are many other topics I enjoy talking about. We used to have a lot of fun together in the pre-kid days but as the years have gone by we have less and less in common. The last time we met she talked at length about how her daughter's teacher doesn't remind the kids to bring their lunch boxes home with them-this apparently happened three days in a row. She got angry and wrote the teacher an e-mail about it and did not like the response-yada, yada, yada. She talked about this for 10-15 minutes. Is it just me or is she making a big deal out of something trivial? Her daughter loves the teacher and the teacher has a good reputation-so she's a little disorganized-no one's perfect. I just don't get that upset about those sorts of things. She's also obsessed with child molesters/pedophiles and does not like the fact that there's a male aide working in her daughter's classroom (the guy isn't doing anything objectionable-she just doesn't like that he's male and working with young kids). Additionally, she's always going on about how hard it is to be a SAHM and how she thinks it's harder staying at home with a child than working. Honestly, I want to tell her to STFU sometimes-I would quit my job in a heartbeat if I could. I'm a quiet, introverted person and don't have a ton of friends. At this point in my life I'm so busy with work, taking care of my son, etc. that I don't have time to go out and actively try to make new friends. I know that as the years pass things will settle down and I'll have more time in my life for friendship-I don't want that time to arrive and realize that I have very few friends left. On the other hand, I don't really enjoy the time I spend with Emma. I really miss how she used to be. I don't want to blow off the friendship but I also feel like we have less and less in common. Any thoughts? |
Anonymous
| If you don't enjoy spending time with her, don't spend time with her. |
Anonymous
|
Why would you blow off the friendship? Things change. People change. That is a given. If you give up on friends because of this, you will never keep a friendship going.
This relationship may get better down the line, or it may not. Maybe she will never be as interesting to you as she once was. S |
Anonymous
| I have recently cut off a friendship with a former very close friend. As we have become moms, we have taken different paths. I felt very judged by her comments about my parenting decisions and recently just decided that I'm done. I haven't had to had the confrontation about it- I'm hoping that the friendship will just die out as im no longer investing. |
Anonymous
| Perhaps you need to be a bit more patient with Emma? Next time you meet up with her, just try to steer the conversation away from the topic of kids. If she's not responding to your cues, feel free to be honest and say that you're craving conversation around topics other than raising kids. |
Anonymous
|
The perfect soul-mate, one with whom you agree on everything, does not exist, OP. So either you value what she has to offer and put up with the rest in creative ways (by limiting contact, or staving off sensitive subjects, etc), or you gently fade away... My best friend has an only child and is super-protective and agonizes over things that I would never think twice about. I cut her some slack because I'm an only child and I know my mother behaved in exactly the same way! |
Anonymous
| Maybe you can just distance yourself a bit, without completely icing her out. Reduce the amount of time that you spend with her. |
Anonymous
This is the OP. Yes, I feel judged as well. Emma has brought up multiple times that she does not understand why I'm comfortable with my son having a male kindergarten teacher. She does not allow her kids to watch any TV and talks at length about it (my son is allowed to watch a limited amount of television). I breastfed my son for 8 months-she breastfed both of her kids for two plus years and loves to bring up the fact that they rarely get ill (my son unfortunately gets ear infections) and that her kids are ahead in terms of their milestones, how well adjusted they are, etc. My husband and I are "one and done"...Emma likes to talk about how children need siblings, that we really should consider having another child, etc. I agree with the other posters that you can't expect friends to be perfect but I'm tired of feeling judged and put down. Honestly, I know I need to just "suck it up" and tell her frankly how I feel but I don't know how well that will go. We were roommates in college and our husbands are good friends-there's a lot of history there. I'm hoping that maybe once our kids are older things will be better. |
Anonymous
| I don't think you need to drop her per se, but I would work on expanding your circle of friends. Try to find people whom you connect with. |
Anonymous
The next time she says something rude tell her what she said is rude and to please stop. I promise she will stop. |
Anonymous
| Me too, OP. I'm doing the slow fade... |
Anonymous
How do you keep friends? Or do you and the OP only keep friends who hold exactly the same opinions you hold? I really don't understand why the OP's friend can't express herself without the OP feeling "judged." If you are confident in your own choices, you won't feel so stung when others don't agree with you. |
Anonymous
This is the OP-yeah, I know I need to do this but it's been hard time-wise. I feel guilty if I'm not spending most of my time off with my son. My son's friends' parents seem like nice people but everyone is so busy and at kids' parties, playdates, etc. it's hard to get beyond the superficial. I like my co-workers but it's not an office where people tend to socialize at lunch. I know this is slightly off topic, but I had no idea before I had a kid how competitive childrearing is for many women and how much judgement there is when you make different choices. It's exhausting. My husband doesn't have this issue with his friends-men just don't get into that stuff with each other. The judgement starts during pregnancy (I drank a small amount of coffee every now and then when I was pregnant and there were some women who loved to comment on it) and never seems to end. I guess I was naive but I didn't think it would be this way. |
Anonymous
This is the OP. I definitely don't feel like friends need to agree with me on everything (obviously that's impossible) but is it too much to expect a good friend who knows I was not happy about having to go back to work 2 months after I had my son to not talk about how she feels being a SAHM is better for kids? It didn't feel like a "choice" for me quite frankly and no, I was not confident and happy about the decision so I did feel stung by it. Am I being overly sensitive? I don't think so. |
Anonymous
|
To be honest, Emma sounds like a drag to be around. I'd try to gradually distance myself.
Regarding the judgement: welcome to DC, where everything is a competition and an endless arms race. |