Is the snotty teen/tween behavior really starting as early as 3rd and 4th grade now?

[Anonymous]

That one kid would have had no pizza, party or not.

Ds was likely around this age when friends started getting mouthy while they were here. One was never invited back. Another (good friend) was very rude to the other kids. I took him out of the room and asked him if he wanted to stay. If not, I would call his mom. If he did, he couldn't act like that. He ended up being one of the best of the bunch. We took him on holidays with us a few times.

Op it will continue if you let it.

[Anonymous]

It’s definitely not too young for this kind of behavior. I’ve seen it too—first with my son’s group of friends at that age and now with my DD’s. Today after school I volunteered to help with an activity for an after-school club for 4th and 5th graders (including my DD). Two of the girls were being incredibly obnoxious—mean girl type behavior, social aggression and manipulation. I stepped in at one point to ask if there was a problem. The girl who was trying to exclude others reiterated the rude comments she had just made, as if she was completely justified in doing it (“oh, well I was just saying that she can’t be in our group because..”). I told her she was being rude and to try to be kinder to others. I got the impression that she wasn’t often corrected. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

I would not want these girls back at my house.

There was a girl on a field trip with this type of rude behavior. She does have an older sister and she is definitely rude to her parents. Thankfully my daughter is not friends with her.

[Anonymous]

Oh yeah very common with this age. My DD's in third and her friends all have their moments. I will say, I notice that not a lot of parents correct it. I think there is a fear of being too authoritarian or stifling their personality? I correct it and feel like I am "mean mom" among her friends but I find the behavior so obnoxious and see this spiraling as they get older if it is not controlled now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have teens. I think it’s uncommon for kids to be rude to *other* kids’ parents, ever, let alone at 9. Kids save their rudeness for their nearest and dearest. I would be very wary of your child spending a lot of time with those kids.

I agree. My daughter is now an 8th grader and we host A LOT, including taking girls to our beach house for the weekend. None of them act like this. While I’m sure they likely roll their eyes at their parents (as my daughter sometimes does to me), they act unfailingly polite and helpful when they are around me and my husband. Just last night, my daughter wanted me to take her to study at Starbucks with a new friend I had not met. I was sitting at another table and my kid called me over to walk them through the plot of Midsummer Night’s Dream because I love this play. I thought the friend might find a mom helping to be too much, but she acted super nice and thanked me. This is how the 8th grade girls operate with non-parents.

Girls who are obnoxious would not be included in much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have teens. I think it’s uncommon for kids to be rude to *other* kids’ parents, ever, let alone at 9. Kids save their rudeness for their nearest and dearest. I would be very wary of your child spending a lot of time with those kids.

I agree. My daughter is now an 8th grader and we host A LOT, including taking girls to our beach house for the weekend. None of them act like this. While I’m sure they likely roll their eyes at their parents (as my daughter sometimes does to me), they act unfailingly polite and helpful when they are around me and my husband. Just last night, my daughter wanted me to take her to study at Starbucks with a new friend I had not met. I was sitting at another table and my kid called me over to walk them through the plot of Midsummer Night’s Dream because I love this play. I thought the friend might find a mom helping to be too much, but she acted super nice and thanked me. This is how the 8th grade girls operate with non-parents.

Girls who are obnoxious would not be included in much.

Did you take her to a ballet to see their version? So beautiful.

[Anonymous]

Haven't seen such behavior in real life. No kid talks to someone's parent without controlling what they say. Total change from how they may talk to their friends.

[Anonymous]

My kids’ friends would never dare, or even know to, act like this. Where do you live and where do they go to school? Something is very wrong.

[Anonymous]

I’d correct it like I would my kid. “Wow, that’s a really rude way of speaking to me. Try again.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are letting children intimidate you. When the kids sass you, you SASS BACK but in your most lighthearted manner. I don't care if these kids think I am cool, but I will always push back when they are rude. I try to keep it friendly and say ask for what I want.

So if a kid rolled their eyes when I asked a pizza preference I'd go big and silly "OK THEN! I guess anchovies alllllll arouund because that's Larla's favorite! Right Larla?" and then in a calm voice the say "ok but seriously, I'm getting all cheese unless someone has another request".

But don't let them shrink you with their attitude. If they see that works they do it more.

I think some kids would be encouraged to continue the behavior by this.

+1

My DH sometimes does this with kids and it just encourages sarcasm and sass. I also think directing that at one kid in a group of her peers, no matter how rude she is, could be really mortifying and just deepen her distrust of authority figures.

I feel you have to model maturity and respect for kids. Going tit for tat is escalating, even if you think you're hitting just the right tone.

It is all about the tone. And the kid. You can easily slip into a mocking tone, which will not go over well. But I find kids sometimes let something slip out that is RUDE and when you call them on it, in a kind or filly, but firm way, they usually don't do it again. The key is to make sure you are not acting wounded or mad about it. You are Fun Rule Mom, who is kind, but not putting up with BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s because it’s girls. Boys aren’t like this.

No, not all girls. Girls with mothers who are mean and catty do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are letting children intimidate you. When the kids sass you, you SASS BACK but in your most lighthearted manner. I don't care if these kids think I am cool, but I will always push back when they are rude. I try to keep it friendly and say ask for what I want.

So if a kid rolled their eyes when I asked a pizza preference I'd go big and silly "OK THEN! I guess anchovies alllllll arouund because that's Larla's favorite! Right Larla?" and then in a calm voice the say "ok but seriously, I'm getting all cheese unless someone has another request".

But don't let them shrink you with their attitude. If they see that works they do it more.

I think some kids would be encouraged to continue the behavior by this.

+1

My DH sometimes does this with kids and it just encourages sarcasm and sass. I also think directing that at one kid in a group of her peers, no matter how rude she is, could be really mortifying and just deepen her distrust of authority figures.

I feel you have to model maturity and respect for kids. Going tit for tat is escalating, even if you think you're hitting just the right tone.

It is all about the tone. And the kid. You can easily slip into a mocking tone, which will not go over well. But I find kids sometimes let something slip out that is RUDE and when you call them on it, in a kind or filly, but firm way, they usually don't do it again. The key is to make sure you are not acting wounded or mad about it. You are Fun Rule Mom, who is kind, but not putting up with BS.

See, I think unless this is perfectly executed it is not going to work. And anyway, I don't want to be fun mom, and I do not want there to be ambiguity about whether the behavior is acceptable. The kind of kid who is giving this kind of sass at 9 years old is generally going to need a blunt approach.

[Anonymous]

I have worked with children for 30 years. To call this “snotty tween behavior” suggests that this type of response to adults is part of a developmental stage. It’s not. It’s just rudeness, lack of empathy, and poor impulse control.

Children acting this way is not typical, but is is increasingly more common. Classrooms are a nightmare right now, especially as a lot of parents and administrators do not support consequences.

[Anonymous]

NW DC children have serious entitlement problems. What should we do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are letting children intimidate you. When the kids sass you, you SASS BACK but in your most lighthearted manner. I don't care if these kids think I am cool, but I will always push back when they are rude. I try to keep it friendly and say ask for what I want.

So if a kid rolled their eyes when I asked a pizza preference I'd go big and silly "OK THEN! I guess anchovies alllllll arouund because that's Larla's favorite! Right Larla?" and then in a calm voice the say "ok but seriously, I'm getting all cheese unless someone has another request".

But don't let them shrink you with their attitude. If they see that works they do it more.

I think some kids would be encouraged to continue the behavior by this.

+1

My DH sometimes does this with kids and it just encourages sarcasm and sass. I also think directing that at one kid in a group of her peers, no matter how rude she is, could be really mortifying and just deepen her distrust of authority figures.

I feel you have to model maturity and respect for kids. Going tit for tat is escalating, even if you think you're hitting just the right tone.

It is all about the tone. And the kid. You can easily slip into a mocking tone, which will not go over well. But I find kids sometimes let something slip out that is RUDE and when you call them on it, in a kind or filly, but firm way, they usually don't do it again. The key is to make sure you are not acting wounded or mad about it. You are Fun Rule Mom, who is kind, but not putting up with BS.

See, I think unless this is perfectly executed it is not going to work. And anyway, I don't want to be fun mom, and I do not want there to be ambiguity about whether the behavior is acceptable. The kind of kid who is giving this kind of sass at 9 years old is generally going to need a blunt approach.

OP here and I agree. With our own kid, we always seek to be really clear about what our behavioral expectations are, and when possible, explain WHY certain behavior is not acceptable. One thing I've learned about my specific kid is that she doesn't always understand nuance, sarcasm, irony, etc. She's better at it now, but it's a very easy way to confuse her. So when I'm laying out a rule or telling her to stop with a behavior, I try to just be kind but firm.

I am reluctant to do that with other kids though because if a child has not had the experience of their own parent saying, clearly, "no, do not speak to me in that way, it is disrespectful," then it might be very upsetting or embarrassing to hear from another parent, especially in front of their friends. And the last thing I want is for them to get upset, go home and tell their parents (who maybe don't do a great job with rules and discipline to begin with) "hey Larla's mom yelled at me!" and then that parent is upset with me too. I'd rather just not wade into it.