Is the snotty teen/tween behavior really starting as early as 3rd and 4th grade now?

[Anonymous]

Hosted a birthday party for our 9 year old this weekend. Mix of 3rd and 4th grade girls.

Some of these kids are so snotty. Eyerolls, little petulant comments to DH and I (so not just to their own parents but to a friends' parents). Lots of snotty behavior towards each other too, one-upping, getting really condescending and rude at times.

Is this normal? I personally found it kind of shocking to have these kids, most of whom are only 8 or 9, just being openly rude towards us for no reason, while being hosted in our house. It was stuff like DH asking a girl if she wanted pepperoni pizza or cheese and her staring at him open mouthed and then saying "duh, it should be obvious." We just let it go but... what? I'd be so embarrassed if my kid was doing this at someone else's house. I hope she isn't!

What are other people seeing? Is this behavior typical or did we just have a really rude group of girls here yesterday?

[Anonymous]

Bad behavior can start at any age.

If it isn't corrected before age 12-13 then the teenage years likely will be a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, yes, kids are growing faster than we ever did. Alot of parents just ignore this behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hosted a birthday party for our 9 year old this weekend. Mix of 3rd and 4th grade girls.

Some of these kids are so snotty. Eyerolls, little petulant comments to DH and I (so not just to their own parents but to a friends' parents). Lots of snotty behavior towards each other too, one-upping, getting really condescending and rude at times.

Is this normal? I personally found it kind of shocking to have these kids, most of whom are only 8 or 9, just being openly rude towards us for no reason, while being hosted in our house. It was stuff like DH asking a girl if she wanted pepperoni pizza or cheese and her staring at him open mouthed and then saying "duh, it should be obvious." We just let it go but... what? I'd be so embarrassed if my kid was doing this at someone else's house. I hope she isn't!

What are other people seeing? Is this behavior typical or did we just have a really rude group of girls here yesterday?

No. I am not seeing this behavior at all. It is your circle. What school?

[Anonymous]

I had 3 kids that would do that starting in 3rd grade. One was super toxic and was trying to break up the friend group. Another was really rude to me in my own house. Another has body issues and was trying to project. I stopped having them over. As a single mom, I was the one who did the lion's share of hosting so I just decided it wasn't worth my time.

I talk with DD about friends who are worthy of her time and that sometimes kids are mean and it's ok to distance yourself but it's fine to leave the door open for them if they are treating you how a friend is supposed to treat others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had 3 kids that would do that starting in 3rd grade. One was super toxic and was trying to break up the friend group. Another was really rude to me in my own house. Another has body issues and was trying to project. I stopped having them over. As a single mom, I was the one who did the lion's share of hosting so I just decided it wasn't worth my time.

I talk with DD about friends who are worthy of her time and that sometimes kids are mean and it's ok to distance yourself but it's fine to leave the door open for them if they are treating you how a friend is supposed to treat others.

OP here. Yes, I spoke to DD about it this afternoon because some of it was so bad. Basically just letting her know that the reason we let it slide yesterday is because we didn't want to disrupt her party, but that we aren't okay with that behavior and continue to have the same expectations for her as we always have, whether she's in our house or somewhere else. To her credit, she was a good hostess and didn't partake in the snottiness, and on a couple occasions even intervened agains the rudeness.

But yes this has really changed my perception of several of these girls and perhaps the group dynamic. Out of 12 years I'd say it was only 3-4 behaving this way, but that's a lot when the behavior is bad. We'll probably give them all another shot under the theory that birthday parties can be a hard place to evaluate a kid's overall behavior. But I'll definitely be watching closely during future friend dates and when we interact with these kids elsewhere, because if we get this behavior again, I have no intention of inviting these particular girls into my house again.

[Anonymous]

Could you find a more descriptive word that using snotty over and over? It sounds judgey and other than the one kid making an odd comment about their pizza (maybe this kid is neurodivergent), what else happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had 3 kids that would do that starting in 3rd grade. One was super toxic and was trying to break up the friend group. Another was really rude to me in my own house. Another has body issues and was trying to project. I stopped having them over. As a single mom, I was the one who did the lion's share of hosting so I just decided it wasn't worth my time.

I talk with DD about friends who are worthy of her time and that sometimes kids are mean and it's ok to distance yourself but it's fine to leave the door open for them if they are treating you how a friend is supposed to treat others.

OP here. Yes, I spoke to DD about it this afternoon because some of it was so bad. Basically just letting her know that the reason we let it slide yesterday is because we didn't want to disrupt her party, but that we aren't okay with that behavior and continue to have the same expectations for her as we always have, whether she's in our house or somewhere else. To her credit, she was a good hostess and didn't partake in the snottiness, and on a couple occasions even intervened agains the rudeness.

But yes this has really changed my perception of several of these girls and perhaps the group dynamic. Out of 12 years I'd say it was only 3-4 behaving this way, but that's a lot when the behavior is bad. We'll probably give them all another shot under the theory that birthday parties can be a hard place to evaluate a kid's overall behavior. But I'll definitely be watching closely during future friend dates and when we interact with these kids elsewhere, because if we get this behavior again, I have no intention of inviting these particular girls into my house again.

Well there you have it. You’re definitely going to get this behavior again because you let it go unchecked. I wish a nine-year-old would say something smart to me in my own house!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you find a more descriptive word that using snotty over and over? It sounds judgey and other than the one kid making an odd comment about their pizza (maybe this kid is neurodivergent), what else happened?

It sound to me like you might be part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

I have a 10 y/o DD and we just had her birthday party and I would say this is in the range of normal. I’m not saying it’s ok but sometimes in a group setting kids feel emboldened to speak rudely and are counting on the fact that you aren’t going to call them out. Many of these kids wouldn’t act like this on a one on one playdate. At this age they’re also experimenting with acting older or appearing older by mimicking what they think is cool. Again I don’t think it’s ok but if they don’t typically do this I wouldn’t immediately cut them off any future social plans. I think it’s also important to teach your DD to stand up for herself especially in her home. A little humorous clap back can help stop this behavior.

If you find this behavior is happening frequently with the same kids then don’t have them over. They clearly are not getting feedback at home that this is not ok.

[Anonymous]

Letting it slide, while totally understandable, may have egged on worse in some of the kids already prone to it, since there didn't seem to be a boundary. I would have told pizza girl to try making her request again in a more respectful way or don't have any. Obnoxious little madam.

[Anonymous]

Not uncommon OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you find a more descriptive word that using snotty over and over? It sounds judgey and other than the one kid making an odd comment about their pizza (maybe this kid is neurodivergent), what else happened?

It sound to me like you might be part of the problem.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you find a more descriptive word that using snotty over and over? It sounds judgey and other than the one kid making an odd comment about their pizza (maybe this kid is neurodivergent), what else happened?

My kid is neurodivergent and would never say that to adult. Stop implying that neurodivergence means rude. It doesn’t, and you’re not helping anything. (My kid has done other inappropriate things, and then we talk/punish as needed. Neurodivergence isn’t an excuse to just shrug when the kid is a jerk.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you find a more descriptive word that using snotty over and over? It sounds judgey and other than the one kid making an odd comment about their pizza (maybe this kid is neurodivergent), what else happened?

You need to go back and read OPs post. If I got an eye roll and a “duh it should be obvious” from a 9 YO guest in my home when I asked about a pizza preference, that’s the last time that child would be there. Don’t behind the “neurodivergent” excuse. Rude is rude and should not be tolerated.