Why do grown women post photos of social events?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to do this and have stopped. I generally will ask myself before posting, "Who is the audience for this/why am I posting this?"

Sometimes there is a good reason. But often it is unnecessary and potential hurtful to people who were not included in the gathering for whatever reason.

I used to be a part of a group of women (grew apart due to geography) where posts like this caused so much drama over who was or wasn't included, why so and so posts about outings with Larla but not Linda, etc. And as a PP said, it becomes a circle jerk or likes or reposts. It was toxic and not behavior that 30-40 something women should be modeling for their own kids.

This! I stopped posting on social media four years ago and this is what did it it. Ask yourself, who is this really for?

+a million

If you are really honest with yourself, the answer is often something petty like "my ex boyfriend" or "that coworker who thinks she's soooo much better than me." If it's really just for the people in the photo, there are other ways to share -- I always really enjoy the day after text threads with friends when we share photos or thank you for the host/organizer after getting together, and when it happens in a private text thread it feels more authentic than splashing it on social media where a bunch of random people will see it.

Being just generally more private has been so much better for my mental health, and if it also means that someone out there isn't looking at my post and thinking "I guess I wasn't invited because they don't like me" well that's an added benefit. Probably that person wasn't invited because we just don't know them that well, but I don't want them sitting around feeling bad about it either! I've watched my kid work through exclusion and other friend stuff in elementary at this point and realize how hard it is. I don't want to cause other people pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the only time I'm dressed up and it's nice to have pictures with my friends?

you still have the pictures if you don't insecurely broadcast them lol.

Are these women secret agents?

[Anonymous]

Feel like you’re overthinking this OP? I’m not on social at all but often when I’m out people want to take a group pic or whatever. If it makes them happy, fine!

[Anonymous]

Definitely not an authentic desire to share joy in my opinion.

Likely a need to stroke envy. ✨

[Anonymous]

I don’t know. I had a group of women friends I had a lot of fun with. After my divorce I moved 30 min away and even though I’m available I don’t get invited out anymore, even though we’re technically still friends, no drama or anything. So when they post these group photos to things without me I feel FOMO and left out. I don’t say anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those reasons and probably several others.

It's pathetic. Whatever.

+1 and it seems like most people have woken up and realized how stupid it is.

I have noticed this too. It's great.

Imagine being so miserable and pathetic that a picture of your friends having a good time bothers you this much. Are you jealous?

DP. It is perfectly normal to feel jealous or left out when presented with a photo of people from your community having fun together. It need not be a particularly intense feeling and most people move on from it easily, but it's a normal and human response because humans are social creatures whose security is dependent on belonging in a community. A photo like that is likely to prompt a temporary (and primal) fear that the individual may not be securely part of the group. Most people will remember that, actually, they are securely part of the community via other means and move on. But that initial pang of jealousy or, more accurately, fear, is pretty common and normal. If someone cannot move on, it may be because they do not have secure belonging in a community, in which case their fear is real and understandable, not something to be criticized and derided.

The greater question is what compels people to post such photos to public feeds? I believe it is related to the same fear. People post these photos as a way of asserting their belonging in the community. They may be particularly compelled to post photos that show them in high status settings or with high status people, as a self-protective way of showing how embedded they are. In this case, posting the photo is actually done, on some level, to provoke jealous and fear from people who may be further from the inside, high status parts of the community. Thus the feeling of jealous/fear that many people feel when seeing these photos is actually the intended effect the poster hopes it to have.

Your choice of the words "miserable" and "pathetic" -- exclusionary words that emphasize the low and outsider status of the person to whom you are talking -- indicate that this is a behavior you participate in and that it is very much about asserting your belonging over that of others when you do so.

Oh boy, that is a whole lot of BS. I am not the one who posted this thread or wondering why other people socialize and feel the need to share they are having a good time. I don't share almost anything on facebook but if I see a collage of photos from one of my friends enjoying herself and having a good time, my first thought is NOT "what is wrong with her." Quite the opposite. I think, "hey, good for her. She looks happy." If you feel jealous and excluded, then you need to work on that. Work on being a better friend, colleague, person instead of expecting the world to be miserable WITH you.

I wasn't describing my personal experience. I'm explaining why it is common for people to feel left out or jealous when they see photos like this. Essentially I'm explaining why social media often has a negative impact on some people. And the people who are least socially connected are most vulnerable, because their exposure to social media is most likely to most accurately reflect their real experience of isolation and exclusion. It can also feel humiliating for them because it publicizes their outsider status. Without social media, people might vaguely be aware that one family is never included in neighborhood get togethers, or that some high school seniors aren't included in end of year parties. But with social media, the people who are on the fringes of groups or rarely or never included in social outings have a visual representation of their exclusion. It can be very painful and fear inducing.

Loneliness, isolation, and lacking a sense of belonging are some of the most critical mental health problems in our society. Many of the broader problems we have right now can be traced to people who feel this way.

So I am trying to encourage those of you who don't feel this way to be less defensive about how you use social media and instead think about why it might be very difficult or harmful for people who lack the social connectedness you enjoy. And rather than say derisively to someone in this position "you sound jealous" or "work on being a better friend," to consider that there may be small things we can all do to ease some of the negative impacts. For instance, instead of posting photos of an outing with friends to a social media account where it will be seen by many people who are not part of your inner circle of friends, you could instead simply text those photos to the friends who were there. That is what I do. I seek to make any public social media account I have inclusive and friendly, rather than contributing to a culture where I advertise my own social bonds in a way that could trigger people who lack similar bonds.

I would also look inward and ask yourself why you feel comfortable using the language you do to defend your own behavior, language that is clearly intended to make the recipient feel bad about their social position, lack of friends or familial connections, etc. Calling people miserable and jealous as an insult is strange because if someone is miserable, that is something to be concerned about, not thrown as an epithet. If someone is jealous of the social bonds other people have, they are likely lonely and in need of more society, and that should not be thrown at them as an insult. If you are fortunate enough to have life full of connection and inclusion, I do not understand why you would be hostile to someone who doesn't have that.

Why should i read your diatribe when you clearly didn't read mine? I dont need to look inward but clearly you do.

The tome poster (posters)? is something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sometimes feel the same knee-jerk reaction when I see these types of posts, OP, but I also ask myself, what is an appropriate use of "social" media? What are people allowed to share?

Before "social media", only "Society" people issued public press releases about their social life. Everyone else shared information with people who had a relevant interest.

[Anonymous]

OP, get off social media. I dropped it years ago when I realized it was making me hate people that I like in real life. And I was getting sucked into other people’s everyday drama that I didn’t need in my life. I don’t miss it at all. And I have more to talk to people about in real life when I see them now that I haven’t already seen all of their vacation pics on insta.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those reasons and probably several others.

It's pathetic. Whatever.

+1 and it seems like most people have woken up and realized how stupid it is.

I have noticed this too. It's great.

Imagine being so miserable and pathetic that a picture of your friends having a good time bothers you this much. Are you jealous?

DP. It is perfectly normal to feel jealous or left out when presented with a photo of people from your community having fun together. It need not be a particularly intense feeling and most people move on from it easily, but it's a normal and human response because humans are social creatures whose security is dependent on belonging in a community. A photo like that is likely to prompt a temporary (and primal) fear that the individual may not be securely part of the group. Most people will remember that, actually, they are securely part of the community via other means and move on. But that initial pang of jealousy or, more accurately, fear, is pretty common and normal. If someone cannot move on, it may be because they do not have secure belonging in a community, in which case their fear is real and understandable, not something to be criticized and derided.

The greater question is what compels people to post such photos to public feeds? I believe it is related to the same fear. People post these photos as a way of asserting their belonging in the community. They may be particularly compelled to post photos that show them in high status settings or with high status people, as a self-protective way of showing how embedded they are. In this case, posting the photo is actually done, on some level, to provoke jealous and fear from people who may be further from the inside, high status parts of the community. Thus the feeling of jealous/fear that many people feel when seeing these photos is actually the intended effect the poster hopes it to have.

Your choice of the words "miserable" and "pathetic" -- exclusionary words that emphasize the low and outsider status of the person to whom you are talking -- indicate that this is a behavior you participate in and that it is very much about asserting your belonging over that of others when you do so.

Too. Many. Words. Wut.

Some ideas require explanation. This is a serious conversation, there is some nuance.

Not really. Adults are allowed to use social media as they please. Ignore if you don’t like it.
~~DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those reasons and probably several others.

It's pathetic. Whatever.

+1 and it seems like most people have woken up and realized how stupid it is.

I have noticed this too. It's great.

Imagine being so miserable and pathetic that a picture of your friends having a good time bothers you this much. Are you jealous?

DP. It is perfectly normal to feel jealous or left out when presented with a photo of people from your community having fun together. It need not be a particularly intense feeling and most people move on from it easily, but it's a normal and human response because humans are social creatures whose security is dependent on belonging in a community. A photo like that is likely to prompt a temporary (and primal) fear that the individual may not be securely part of the group. Most people will remember that, actually, they are securely part of the community via other means and move on. But that initial pang of jealousy or, more accurately, fear, is pretty common and normal. If someone cannot move on, it may be because they do not have secure belonging in a community, in which case their fear is real and understandable, not something to be criticized and derided.

The greater question is what compels people to post such photos to public feeds? I believe it is related to the same fear. People post these photos as a way of asserting their belonging in the community. They may be particularly compelled to post photos that show them in high status settings or with high status people, as a self-protective way of showing how embedded they are. In this case, posting the photo is actually done, on some level, to provoke jealous and fear from people who may be further from the inside, high status parts of the community. Thus the feeling of jealous/fear that many people feel when seeing these photos is actually the intended effect the poster hopes it to have.

Your choice of the words "miserable" and "pathetic" -- exclusionary words that emphasize the low and outsider status of the person to whom you are talking -- indicate that this is a behavior you participate in and that it is very much about asserting your belonging over that of others when you do so.

Too. Many. Words. Wut.

Some ideas require explanation. This is a serious conversation, there is some nuance.

Not really. Adults are allowed to use social media as they please. Ignore if you don’t like it.
~~DP

We don’t have to ignore it, we are “allowed” to discuss it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a circle jerk of vacuous likes. I don't see the posts, but if I were to see you all thirsty for attention posting about going to some crap restaurant or a "vaca" when I can go to Italy and have real dining experiences, I just feel bad for you.

The first page poster nailed it-- it's pathetic. Looking for the attention and second, what you define as "fancy" or a "vacation". Ok, Olive Garden.

lol if you are so secure in your position to never have any worries like these women trying to find a bit of joy in experiences that you find so poor and pathetic….then why are you so incapable of indifference to them, never mind compassion? If you’re so high up, where did you lose your noblesse oblige

[Anonymous]

I am confused by the way people seem to think that not posting these photos to social media somehow takes the joy out of the event itself or makes it impossible to take photos at all?

I have a very active social life and many photos of my friends and I don't post any of them to social media because it seems tacky. I do not feel deprived in any way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because some of us use Facebook as our diaries and photo albums. That is all. Judge away: it’s not going to change. I love the convenience

Why not let Google photos give you “this time last year” photo montages then? Or post the pictures with captions to a private or shared folder? Honest question. Because when I scroll FB I often see people doing as you do and they even say (cringe) “dear diary- here are some November moments for the books! I know I’ll love seeing these memories roll around next year!” Like, why make it public?

[Anonymous]

I am not triggered by photos of people out with friends but I really struggle, especially this time of year, when people post a lot of photos of their extended families celebrating holidays together. That's not something I have and it can be hard during the holidays. I am especially triggered by photos of grandparents with their grandkids, as it not only makes me feel sad about what I don't have but makes me feel both sad and guilty that my kids also dont' have it.

I solve this by not really using social media. It's hard because my kids' school and many of their activities require you follow at least one social media account. I use Instagram because it's the one where it's easiest to limit what I follow, so I don't wind up seeing other stuff on there. I also only use it on a browser on my laptop, never on my phone.

I totally feel for people who see other people's highlights on social media and struggle with the negative feelings it prompts. Increasingly I think social media is primarily for certain kinds of people who don't have any grief of sadness in their lives. For the rest of us, it's not so good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because some of us use Facebook as our diaries and photo albums. That is all. Judge away: it’s not going to change. I love the convenience

Why not let Google photos give you “this time last year” photo montages then? Or post the pictures with captions to a private or shared folder? Honest question. Because when I scroll FB I often see people doing as you do and they even say (cringe) “dear diary- here are some November moments for the books! I know I’ll love seeing these memories roll around next year!” Like, why make it public?

We know why. That’s why I’m glad to hear that Gen Z is moving past social media being a thing they do to self promote vs a place they visit to see what content creators have put out. Some people are still self promoting, but most aren’t feeling like they have to participate by sharing their own personal information. Plus they have seen how this can all go wrong and have learned from other’s past mistakes.