Adult sibling drama (2 questions AITA)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I'll also add that she has now said that she is being demonized by our family and is not coming to Thanksgiving with her children.

I was asked to host everyone at my home several months ago, because it's too hard for my parents to host her and her multiple, boisterous kids & dog. There's no where else we could all fit & as it is, my parents/other sister need to rent a place. It would have been 20 people, so it requires a lot of planning.

I have a playset in my backyard, trails behind my home, I've been working for months on preparing my home (with completing various home projects, getting some extra folding tables, thoughtfully planning out the table setting (trying to keep it cheap, but really pretty), and I've planned out specific family activities that we can all do so it can be a really fun, special time.

I've been working for weeks on finishing painting/organizational/decorative projects entirely myself, so it looks beautiful to host, just to have her do this. She has done this a lot in the past, where if you don't agree with her 100% or if you aren't vocal enough about how much you support her, she flips out, creates a very dramatic scene, and will cut out her family for 6 months, a year....

OP just STOP. No one asked you to paint your house or decorate or any of that for months on end. They asked for dinner. She’s not coming so move on and be thankful for the blessing of that.
Don’t go to the wedding. Full stop.
Dont invite niece to Europe. Everything seems like SO MUCH all the time with you and them.
You are starting to go in martyr territory. Just. Stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Frankly I would have jumped at the chance to be a mother's helper on a European trip at that age. Provided that I was included on family sightseeing and had some free time to do my own thing each day. I would have thought flight room and board was payment enough.
But the mother doesn't think so, many here don't think so (I suspect higher relative HHI than we had then) so don't take the girl.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kids will be going into 4th and 7th grade. You don’t need any babysitter at all. I would feel fine going to dinner and leaving them alone in the AirBNB. Not sure why DCUM is insisting babysitting will occur. It sounds like babysitting occurs at home, and niece would rather be with you. But no, I wouldn’t pay her to be in the same apartment as kids that old while you go out. She could leave too and it would be fine. Heck, I would let the younger kids go out alone to the town square and play/get gelato.

No, they’ll be rising 3rd& 6th, so
They wouldn’t need a lot of support. It’s a done deal.

She isn’t going. My sister lashed out at me, our parents, and other sister. I’m never offering a trip again. She’s made herself out to be a victim. She is not welcome at my home now. I’m done. She will not change, she is incapable of genuinely caring about others, even her “closest family” and I’ve been her biggest ally but I’m done. She honestly is mentally unstable and would be homeless without my parents.

[Anonymous]

My niece is an excellent mothers helper AND loves to travel. When she is being mothers helper at my house or her grandparents I give her $10/ hour. When were on a trip (think Disney cruise) she gets $20/day and the expectation is she asks if I need anything before going off to do her own thing— sometimes what she wants to do is play with her cousins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kids will be going into 4th and 7th grade. You don’t need any babysitter at all. I would feel fine going to dinner and leaving them alone in the AirBNB. Not sure why DCUM is insisting babysitting will occur. It sounds like babysitting occurs at home, and niece would rather be with you. But no, I wouldn’t pay her to be in the same apartment as kids that old while you go out. She could leave too and it would be fine. Heck, I would let the younger kids go out alone to the town square and play/get gelato.

They should not be left alone but they are also old enough that they don't a babysitter. They can hire a local one. It's unfair to expect the teen to be a mom and give up her summer vs. working or something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My niece is an excellent mothers helper AND loves to travel. When she is being mothers helper at my house or her grandparents I give her $10/ hour. When were on a trip (think Disney cruise) she gets $20/day and the expectation is she asks if I need anything before going off to do her own thing— sometimes what she wants to do is play with her cousins.

$20 a day or $10 is very low. Kids can make $16+ at other jobs at age 16.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My older cousin, who is 5 years older than me, sometimes joined us on trips when I was a kid. She was not paid. She was treated like my older sister, and didn't have to spend a penny of her money for anything, except what she herself wished to bring back as gifts for her family/friends or mementos for herself (and even then, if I got something, my parents would buy her a little something too). We shared a hotel room while my parents were in another, and that was fun, but there was no babysitting per se.

There was never any question of paying my cousin. She wanted to join us. Sometimes she explored by herself, but mostly, if she wanted alone time, she would put on her headphones and listen to her music. I never got any whiff of any discontent on her part. Her parents were grateful that we included her.

The only way your sister's comment would make sense is if the cousin didn't actually want to join you, or if you have a history of press-ganging people into service and she's afraid you're going to ask this teen for various services, or ask her to babysit much more frequently than you let on.

OP here - my sister did not ask my niece. She has previously refused offers to allow her daughter to stay with family to do a fun, summer program, or accept support for a summer program. She doesn’t want to have to drive her/be responsible for registering her. It’s fine if she doesn’t want to do it, it was just a nice idea to include her. It’s fine if my niece doesn’t want to go, the “gift” would have been from me and my parents. My sister turned it around after initially saying it was a great idea and she’d love to go anywhere I pick (despite me asking if she’d want to have some input or some specific interests). She could have just said that it was a kind offer but it just isn’t going to work out this summer and left it at that.

She made a point to attack me, my children, my motives, and then bring into it that I’m being selfish by not prioritizing her wedding by spending 3k extra (that I have not budgeted for). I don’t have a lot of money, so this trip is a BIG DEAL and offering to include my niece and pay for her expenses while we are there is a BIG DEAL, that’s the max of what I can afford, between that and having to pay for my flight, ect to the wedding. I’m trying to be as generous as I am financially able to be.

My sis was looking for an excuse to attack me and be hurtful. Someone had said that are enmeshed. Probably! She calls/texts/messages me multiple times a day.

You have a lot of money to go on this trip. This is not a gift, and she is right to question your motives, as you are essentially looking for a free babysitter. This is not fun for a 16-year-old. I wouldn't let my 16 year old go either. You also sound really difficult and my 16 year old wouldn't want to be around that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I'll also add that she has now said that she is being demonized by our family and is not coming to Thanksgiving with her children.

I was asked to host everyone at my home several months ago, because it's too hard for my parents to host her and her multiple, boisterous kids & dog. There's no where else we could all fit & as it is, my parents/other sister need to rent a place. It would have been 20 people, so it requires a lot of planning.

I have a playset in my backyard, trails behind my home, I've been working for months on preparing my home (with completing various home projects, getting some extra folding tables, thoughtfully planning out the table setting (trying to keep it cheap, but really pretty), and I've planned out specific family activities that we can all do so it can be a really fun, special time.

I've been working for weeks on finishing painting/organizational/decorative projects entirely myself, so it looks beautiful to host, just to have her do this. She has done this a lot in the past, where if you don't agree with her 100% or if you aren't vocal enough about how much you support her, she flips out, creates a very dramatic scene, and will cut out her family for 6 months, a year....

This is crazy. You don't have to do all that and a 16-year-old isn't going to care about a playset or trails. They will be on their phone. I wouldn't go either. She's right to distance herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Info: are your kids girls or boys? Is this a trip with a 12 year old and 9 year old girls who love to window shop and read and eat at cafes? Or is this a trip with the same aged boys who like to bounce around and run like golden retrievers?

They will sit in the airbnb on their phones bored.

[Anonymous]

I can kinda see where your sister is coming from. You say you can’t afford to go to her wedding but at the same time you have money for a big European vacation—AND you can even afford to take HER daughter along?

Come on.

The optics are bad.

(And I completely understand not canceling your vacation to go to her wedding. But come on, of course her feelings are hurt and she’s lashing out.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP You are the A*shole.
You can't go making plans for kids that do not belong to you without including the parents first.

OP here. I did not make plans for her without including her mom. She cannot afford a plane ticket for her daughter and so I didn't want to even mention it and possibly hurt her without seeing first if our parents would be open to paying for her flight (they were immediately open to it and thought it was a great idea). I then immediately spoke with my sister, who initially was interested and then sent a message later the same evening.

Maybe your niece said no and your sister is using the babysitting as cover. Or it's possible that you ask your niece to watch the kids more than you think and she doesn't like it. This happened to my eldest - she really didn't like people assuming she would just watch the kids when we were all together just because she's the oldest cousin.

[Anonymous]

This should have been two separate threads.

1: pay her for date night
2: bride is unreasonable

[Anonymous]

I think you want things your way and this rubs your sibling wrong. If you have money to stay in Europe for one month -- and you must have, because it's expensive, then it's silly to say you cannot pay your niece to babysit occasionally. I also think you should have invited her without wanting her to babysit. These are your kids and you do whatever with them yourself, as you'll now have to anyway.

As far as the 2nd wedding goes, yep, too much drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you want things your way and this rubs your sibling wrong. If you have money to stay in Europe for one month -- and you must have, because it's expensive, then it's silly to say you cannot pay your niece to babysit occasionally. I also think you should have invited her without wanting her to babysit. These are your kids and you do whatever with them yourself, as you'll now have to anyway.

As far as the 2nd wedding goes, yep, too much drama.

You don’t trick the kid into coming by lying about expectations that she is the nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re trying to frame this as some magnanimous gesture but it honestly sounds like you’re getting the best deal of anyone here, OP and you come across as very self serving.

Basically you’ve convinced your parents to offer to pay the bulk of the expenses (ie flights) for their granddaughter to tag along on a trip that you chose and serve as a second set of hands/babysitter while she stays in the air bnb that you would already be paying for anyway while you just cover the cost of her food, consisting mostly simple meals prepared in the Airbnb and the occasional gelato/pastry, and a few museum/activity fees, and are trying to sell it as an amazing gift.

If it was truly a gift with her in mind the grandparents should instead offer whatever the equivalent cost of the flights are for niece to do a summer program or experience of her choosing with kids her own age.

This x100000
OP tried to be slick and pull a fast one.

It backfired. Ha!