Adult sibling drama (2 questions AITA)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP You are the A*shole.
You can't go making plans for kids that do not belong to you without including the parents first.

OP here. I did not make plans for her without including her mom. She cannot afford a plane ticket for her daughter and so I didn't want to even mention it and possibly hurt her without seeing first if our parents would be open to paying for her flight (they were immediately open to it and thought it was a great idea). I then immediately spoke with my sister, who initially was interested and then sent a message later the same evening.

Maybe your niece said no and your sister is using the babysitting as cover. Or it's possible that you ask your niece to watch the kids more than you think and she doesn't like it. This happened to my eldest - she really didn't like people assuming she would just watch the kids when we were all together just because she's the oldest cousin.

[Anonymous]

This should have been two separate threads.

1: pay her for date night
2: bride is unreasonable

[Anonymous]

I think you want things your way and this rubs your sibling wrong. If you have money to stay in Europe for one month -- and you must have, because it's expensive, then it's silly to say you cannot pay your niece to babysit occasionally. I also think you should have invited her without wanting her to babysit. These are your kids and you do whatever with them yourself, as you'll now have to anyway.

As far as the 2nd wedding goes, yep, too much drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you want things your way and this rubs your sibling wrong. If you have money to stay in Europe for one month -- and you must have, because it's expensive, then it's silly to say you cannot pay your niece to babysit occasionally. I also think you should have invited her without wanting her to babysit. These are your kids and you do whatever with them yourself, as you'll now have to anyway.

As far as the 2nd wedding goes, yep, too much drama.

You don’t trick the kid into coming by lying about expectations that she is the nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re trying to frame this as some magnanimous gesture but it honestly sounds like you’re getting the best deal of anyone here, OP and you come across as very self serving.

Basically you’ve convinced your parents to offer to pay the bulk of the expenses (ie flights) for their granddaughter to tag along on a trip that you chose and serve as a second set of hands/babysitter while she stays in the air bnb that you would already be paying for anyway while you just cover the cost of her food, consisting mostly simple meals prepared in the Airbnb and the occasional gelato/pastry, and a few museum/activity fees, and are trying to sell it as an amazing gift.

If it was truly a gift with her in mind the grandparents should instead offer whatever the equivalent cost of the flights are for niece to do a summer program or experience of her choosing with kids her own age.

This x100000
OP tried to be slick and pull a fast one.

It backfired. Ha!

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like my sister who expects my 16 yr old to watch her kids (“but they’re cousins”) during every visit so she can get a break. Her kids are 11 and 9.

Your niece isn’t free childcare. I also don’t see why any 16 yr old would want to go on a month long trip with their aunt, uncle and much younger cousins anywhere. At that age, 16 yr olds are all about hanging out with their friends as if their lives depend on it. One week, maybe but a month. GTFOH.

OP needs a come to Jesus on the entitlement she has re watching her kids. Bring a paid nanny or hire an actual babysitter. Your niece does not want to be (nor should she ever be) your free childcare. You’re awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Frankly I would have jumped at the chance to be a mother's helper on a European trip at that age. Provided that I was included on family sightseeing and had some free time to do my own thing each day. I would have thought flight room and board was payment enough.
But the mother doesn't think so, many here don't think so (I suspect higher relative HHI than we had then) so don't take the girl.

I agree entirely. There are a lot of privileged people here who might not grasp what an opportunity this is - I didn't travel abroad until my twenties and this would have been amazing. I did something similar for a cousin in Hawaii after she had a baby and it was great.

[Anonymous]

Get an editor. JFC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Frankly I would have jumped at the chance to be a mother's helper on a European trip at that age. Provided that I was included on family sightseeing and had some free time to do my own thing each day. I would have thought flight room and board was payment enough.
But the mother doesn't think so, many here don't think so (I suspect higher relative HHI than we had then) so don't take the girl.

I agree entirely. There are a lot of privileged people here who might not grasp what an opportunity this is - I didn't travel abroad until my twenties and this would have been amazing. I did something similar for a cousin in Hawaii after she had a baby and it was great.

OP here. Yes, no one in my family is "DCUM rich". I don't live in northern VA anymore, but my family's pre-tax income is solidly middle class, right at the 50th percentile. Our money is not going as far as it used to, and our costs for healthcare, mortgage, food, ect. have increased significantly. I have had to make A LOT of cuts to our budget to be able to afford our trip this summer. I do not have an extra 3k; that is a big portion of the cost for our trip. I absolutely love traveling, but the only way I can do it is by planning far ahead, significant budgeting, and saving money during the year.

It's totally fine that my sis doesn't want to let her daughter come. It is something her daughter has repeatedly brought up wanting to do, but I mean, it's ultimately her choice. I don't believe my niece knows at all; she would have reached out to me about it if she did. I'm not going to mention it to her at this point; it would only be harmful for her to know about the lost opportunity and having not been given the choice to share her opinion at all.

It was really how my sis responded that was not okay and how she jumped to making insinuations that I was trying to exploit her daughter (when that has never ever been remotely hinted at), and how she escalated so rapidly, and then brought in the wedding. I am a very forgiving person (probably too forgiving), but this is my sister's MO. Almost every interaction is 100% about her, her complaints, and her issues, and there's almost no room for dialogue; this has been how things have gone with her for years. Occasionally, she shows some interest in others' lives, but she never takes accountability by saying something like, "I know I've mostly just been venting lately, and I'm sorry I haven't been checking in with you, I'd like to try and do better,"; that would never come out of her mouth.

She wants her family to be fully available to listen to her vent and share about things in her life, and the only response that she will tolerate is if we are enthusiastically supportive. ANY perceived critique or question is considered an immediate threat. She has cut family out for 6+ months at a time because they said something she didn't like, and then will start to reach out again months later and will never acknowledge that harm was caused; she just tries to pick up like nothing happened.

I have never asked her kids to babysit; they live multiple states away from us. My sister has never babysat for me, though I've babysat for her multiple times over the years (including overnight).

I know I didn't **need** to finish painting/decorating my home to host Thanksgiving, but I wanted it to look nice and feel welcoming for everyone. They aren't just coming for simply Thanksgiving dinner....they were coming for 5 days and staying in my home. I had planned out family activities, researched their hours, prices, ect. The playset is not for the 16-year-old.....it is for the younger children. I had teen-friendly activities that the older kids would like based on their specific interests.

Someone else had said that some people had commented that I was the "AH" and had I considered another perspective?? The answer to that is, yeah, I've been considering her opinion, her feelings, and I often try to be mindful of whether I need to check myself. My mistake is that I had not thought through the idea when I initially mentioned it to her; I was just super excited, thinking that maybe this could be an incredible opportunity for my niece, and my 2nd mistake was trying to minimize the cost that I would have to pay in talking with my sis as I was just hoping she would allow her to come. I didn't want her to think her daughter would be this huge burden or something, or for her to feel like it was too much of a gift. Her daughter has never had a job, so I wasn't thinking about how she would have potentially lost earnings from going on the trip, but it's never been brought up about her getting a job. It's possible she would have preferred to stay home and work. I was thinking about how she has repeatedly brought up wanting to go on a trip with me abroad. It wasn't like my sister engaged in any sort of dialogue to clarify these things with me.

It is all a moot point because, like I said, she escalated (as she has done in the past) and is now refusing to come to Thanksgiving. Her responses to me were incredibly cruel and while she has demanded that I be available to validate all of her hopes/dreams/feelings at all times, if I voice that I have been hurt by her behaviors and how the relationship seems to be really one-sided, she responds by telling me she is not discussing it and that they will not come for Thanksgiving.

I know I'm not alone in having a sibling who treats others horribly, but it's awful, and I wouldn't wish how she treats her family on anyone.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the update OP. I'm sorry your sister is like this and you are nice to shield the niece from the drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve taken nieces on vacations and paid for everything including plane tickets and activities. In a situation like this I think your sister is obnoxious wanting you to give your niece money for babysitting. It’s not like she’s driving over your house like a job. She will just be hanging out with her cousins.

🙄

Funny how women and girls are always expected to give up their labor for free. This is why I always insist on paying my babysitters, even though some of their parents (close friends) will say no they’ll do it for free. Absolutely not—they are performing work.

And agreed with the poster who said no 16-year-old wants to hang out with a bunch of younger cousins for a month.

It’s annoying when people come up with scenarios that are most convenient to them and just try and frame it as a win-win for everyone with a cheery face. GMAFB.