Adult sibling drama (2 questions AITA)

[Anonymous]

You’re trying to frame this as some magnanimous gesture but it honestly sounds like you’re getting the best deal of anyone here, OP and you come across as very self serving.

Basically you’ve convinced your parents to offer to pay the bulk of the expenses (ie flights) for their granddaughter to tag along on a trip that you chose and serve as a second set of hands/babysitter while she stays in the air bnb that you would already be paying for anyway while you just cover the cost of her food, consisting mostly simple meals prepared in the Airbnb and the occasional gelato/pastry, and a few museum/activity fees, and are trying to sell it as an amazing gift.

If it was truly a gift with her in mind the grandparents should instead offer whatever the equivalent cost of the flights are for niece to do a summer program or experience of her choosing with kids her own age.

[Anonymous]

1) You asked your sister, she said no. No more discussion, the niece stays home. Kudos to you for talking to your sister first before mentioning anything to the niece.
2) The wedding is an invitation not a summons. Say yes or no. The end. It’s a 2nd wedding + destination = no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re trying to frame this as some magnanimous gesture but it honestly sounds like you’re getting the best deal of anyone here, OP and you come across as very self serving.

Basically you’ve convinced your parents to offer to pay the bulk of the expenses (ie flights) for their granddaughter to tag along on a trip that you chose and serve as a second set of hands/babysitter while she stays in the air bnb that you would already be paying for anyway while you just cover the cost of her food, consisting mostly simple meals prepared in the Airbnb and the occasional gelato/pastry, and a few museum/activity fees, and are trying to sell it as an amazing gift.

If it was truly a gift with her in mind the grandparents should instead offer whatever the equivalent cost of the flights are for niece to do a summer program or experience of her choosing with kids her own age.

This 100%. If anything, the grandparents are giving the gift to OP of her niece coming along, to be an extra set of hands and to be an adult-ish person for OP to chat with. Yes, the niece might enjoy it a lot, but it’s not a gift from OP to the niece, it’s a gift from OPs parents to OP- and, secondarily, the niece. But the niece should also be paid for any babysitting- even for “a solo stroll around town”.

[Anonymous]

My older cousin, who is 5 years older than me, sometimes joined us on trips when I was a kid. She was not paid. She was treated like my older sister, and didn't have to spend a penny of her money for anything, except what she herself wished to bring back as gifts for her family/friends or mementos for herself (and even then, if I got something, my parents would buy her a little something too). We shared a hotel room while my parents were in another, and that was fun, but there was no babysitting per se.

There was never any question of paying my cousin. She wanted to join us. Sometimes she explored by herself, but mostly, if she wanted alone time, she would put on her headphones and listen to her music. I never got any whiff of any discontent on her part. Her parents were grateful that we included her.

The only way your sister's comment would make sense is if the cousin didn't actually want to join you, or if you have a history of press-ganging people into service and she's afraid you're going to ask this teen for various services, or ask her to babysit much more frequently than you let on.

[Anonymous]

You offer whatever you like. They reject whatever they don't want. There's not "a should be" arrangement to uncover.

Having it happen shouldn't be anyone's goal here. It would happen only if it's a good fit and everyone finds it easy to arrange and agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve taken nieces on vacations and paid for everything including plane tickets and activities. In a situation like this I think your sister is obnoxious wanting you to give your niece money for babysitting. It’s not like she’s driving over your house like a job. She will just be hanging out with her cousins.

That is babysitting. Op isn’t making this a fun family trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP You are the A*shole.
You can't go making plans for kids that do not belong to you without including the parents first.

OP here. I did not make plans for her without including her mom. She cannot afford a plane ticket for her daughter and so I didn't want to even mention it and possibly hurt her without seeing first if our parents would be open to paying for her flight (they were immediately open to it and thought it was a great idea). I then immediately spoke with my sister, who initially was interested and then sent a message later the same evening.

You did decide this first. You are wrong. If you can afford this you can afford the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. You expect her to be “mother’s helper” and it’s apparent, no matter how you try to spin it. Excuses like “ she didn’t do anything last summer” and “she doesn’t have a job” make it apparent that you do not approve of how she spends her summer.

Except lifeguard it’s hard to get a job at 15. 16 you can.

[Anonymous]

Frankly I would have jumped at the chance to be a mother's helper on a European trip at that age. Provided that I was included on family sightseeing and had some free time to do my own thing each day. I would have thought flight room and board was payment enough.
But the mother doesn't think so, many here don't think so (I suspect higher relative HHI than we had then) so don't take the girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My older cousin, who is 5 years older than me, sometimes joined us on trips when I was a kid. She was not paid. She was treated like my older sister, and didn't have to spend a penny of her money for anything, except what she herself wished to bring back as gifts for her family/friends or mementos for herself (and even then, if I got something, my parents would buy her a little something too). We shared a hotel room while my parents were in another, and that was fun, but there was no babysitting per se.

There was never any question of paying my cousin. She wanted to join us. Sometimes she explored by herself, but mostly, if she wanted alone time, she would put on her headphones and listen to her music. I never got any whiff of any discontent on her part. Her parents were grateful that we included her.

The only way your sister's comment would make sense is if the cousin didn't actually want to join you, or if you have a history of press-ganging people into service and she's afraid you're going to ask this teen for various services, or ask her to babysit much more frequently than you let on.

OP here - my sister did not ask my niece. She has previously refused offers to allow her daughter to stay with family to do a fun, summer program, or accept support for a summer program. She doesn’t want to have to drive her/be responsible for registering her. It’s fine if she doesn’t want to do it, it was just a nice idea to include her. It’s fine if my niece doesn’t want to go, the “gift” would have been from me and my parents. My sister turned it around after initially saying it was a great idea and she’d love to go anywhere I pick (despite me asking if she’d want to have some input or some specific interests). She could have just said that it was a kind offer but it just isn’t going to work out this summer and left it at that.

She made a point to attack me, my children, my motives, and then bring into it that I’m being selfish by not prioritizing her wedding by spending 3k extra (that I have not budgeted for). I don’t have a lot of money, so this trip is a BIG DEAL and offering to include my niece and pay for her expenses while we are there is a BIG DEAL, that’s the max of what I can afford, between that and having to pay for my flight, ect to the wedding. I’m trying to be as generous as I am financially able to be.

My sis was looking for an excuse to attack me and be hurtful. Someone had said that are enmeshed. Probably! She calls/texts/messages me multiple times a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My older cousin, who is 5 years older than me, sometimes joined us on trips when I was a kid. She was not paid. She was treated like my older sister, and didn't have to spend a penny of her money for anything, except what she herself wished to bring back as gifts for her family/friends or mementos for herself (and even then, if I got something, my parents would buy her a little something too). We shared a hotel room while my parents were in another, and that was fun, but there was no babysitting per se.

There was never any question of paying my cousin. She wanted to join us. Sometimes she explored by herself, but mostly, if she wanted alone time, she would put on her headphones and listen to her music. I never got any whiff of any discontent on her part. Her parents were grateful that we included her.

The only way your sister's comment would make sense is if the cousin didn't actually want to join you, or if you have a history of press-ganging people into service and she's afraid you're going to ask this teen for various services, or ask her to babysit much more frequently than you let on.

OP here - my sister did not ask my niece. She has previously refused offers to allow her daughter to stay with family to do a fun, summer program, or accept support for a summer program. She doesn’t want to have to drive her/be responsible for registering her. It’s fine if she doesn’t want to do it, it was just a nice idea to include her. It’s fine if my niece doesn’t want to go, the “gift” would have been from me and my parents. My sister turned it around after initially saying it was a great idea and she’d love to go anywhere I pick (despite me asking if she’d want to have some input or some specific interests). She could have just said that it was a kind offer but it just isn’t going to work out this summer and left it at that.

She made a point to attack me, my children, my motives, and then bring into it that I’m being selfish by not prioritizing her wedding by spending 3k extra (that I have not budgeted for). I don’t have a lot of money, so this trip is a BIG DEAL and offering to include my niece and pay for her expenses while we are there is a BIG DEAL, that’s the max of what I can afford, between that and having to pay for my flight, ect to the wedding. I’m trying to be as generous as I am financially able to be.

My sis was looking for an excuse to attack me and be hurtful. Someone had said that are enmeshed. Probably! She calls/texts/messages me multiple times a day.

PP you replied to.

With this information plus what you wrote in your OP, it seems like your sister is mentally ill. I feel sorry for her children.

[Anonymous]

This feels very familiar.

[Anonymous]

Not unreasonable to invite, unreasonable not to pay for babysitting, unreasonable to push the idea if mom doesn’t like it, unreasonable not to attend the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My older cousin, who is 5 years older than me, sometimes joined us on trips when I was a kid. She was not paid. She was treated like my older sister, and didn't have to spend a penny of her money for anything, except what she herself wished to bring back as gifts for her family/friends or mementos for herself (and even then, if I got something, my parents would buy her a little something too). We shared a hotel room while my parents were in another, and that was fun, but there was no babysitting per se.

There was never any question of paying my cousin. She wanted to join us. Sometimes she explored by herself, but mostly, if she wanted alone time, she would put on her headphones and listen to her music. I never got any whiff of any discontent on her part. Her parents were grateful that we included her.

The only way your sister's comment would make sense is if the cousin didn't actually want to join you, or if you have a history of press-ganging people into service and she's afraid you're going to ask this teen for various services, or ask her to babysit much more frequently than you let on.

OP here - my sister did not ask my niece. She has previously refused offers to allow her daughter to stay with family to do a fun, summer program, or accept support for a summer program. She doesn’t want to have to drive her/be responsible for registering her. It’s fine if she doesn’t want to do it, it was just a nice idea to include her. It’s fine if my niece doesn’t want to go, the “gift” would have been from me and my parents. My sister turned it around after initially saying it was a great idea and she’d love to go anywhere I pick (despite me asking if she’d want to have some input or some specific interests). She could have just said that it was a kind offer but it just isn’t going to work out this summer and left it at that.

She made a point to attack me, my children, my motives, and then bring into it that I’m being selfish by not prioritizing her wedding by spending 3k extra (that I have not budgeted for). I don’t have a lot of money, so this trip is a BIG DEAL and offering to include my niece and pay for her expenses while we are there is a BIG DEAL, that’s the max of what I can afford, between that and having to pay for my flight, ect to the wedding. I’m trying to be as generous as I am financially able to be.

My sis was looking for an excuse to attack me and be hurtful. Someone had said that are enmeshed. Probably! She calls/texts/messages me multiple times a day.

You asked if you were the AH. Many people thought so. Have you considered anyone’s position but your own?

[Anonymous]

You need a break from this crazy sister. Ignore her texts and calls for a week. Why do you willingly get dragged into her drama.