When a close relative shows clear favoritism

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting to me because I grew up in a big family with lots of siblings, cousins, aunts, and uncles. There were definitely special/closer relationships that popped up between certain pairings in the group. One uncle was closest with the sister who played basketball. One aunt favored the cousin who wanted to shop and talk fashion. One seemed to just like the oldest cousin she’d known longest. Etc. We all just saw it as normal.

So to me, the situation you describe is completely normal and I would not make a big deal out of it with the brother. I would consider it my job to help my kids put it in perspective.

I find it completely normal too. I have aunts and uncles I like much better than others as well. I don’t treat them “equally” either.

There are 2 favored cousins who are inheriting the family farm to the exclusion of the rest of us. I honestly don’t care…they still work and live there. Good for them, they have sweat equity in it and I have a preference for it to stay “in the family” as a working farm instead of being auctioned off to developers. I don’t care that I won’t get a share of its value at all.

[Anonymous]

I'm not playing this favoritism game.
My kids' relationship with each other is my most important concern and I'm not jeopardizing it in any way.

I'll cut people off if I need to. I disagree that this will hurt my kids more than the alternative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH’s sibling and the two children in question are all the same gender and there is no specific “shared interest” to explain this.

Why did you say siblings? And be honest about your kids. Do they act the same? Do they bicker relentlessly? Do you favor one over the other and are they taking out the black sheep to try to make up for it because you have an obvious Golden Child? I don't believe it's random and they flipped a coin and picked one.

Normally there is a reason - favorite one is:
Male
Better looking
Good athlete
Smart
Humor
Remind the person of themselves

Lest favorite might remind them of negative qualities in themselves

Obviously there is a reason and OP is avoiding the question other than to say it isn't about out shared interests. It probably means the less favored one is difficult to handle and OP doesn't want to acknowledge it.

I haven’t avoided the question. There is no reason. Doesn’t matter if you keep insisting there is. The only potential “reason” is favorite kid was the first baby born of that generation.

I mean, being older can be reason. I don’t like small kids and get along better with my older nieces (until the smaller ones get older). Now I like them all! But I didn’t care for any of them until they hit a certain level of maturity.

There IS a reason, you just either don’t know or are ignoring it.

Why does it matter if there's a "reason." Saying there is a "reason" implies the reason is legitimate. Sometimes in a mixed race situation, for example, the lighter-skinned child is favored, and that's clearly the reason, but it's still unfair. Whatever the "reason" is, if there is one, the OP said "the less-favored child definitely notices, cares, and doesn’t understand." If it's at that point, then there's something wrong regardless of a reason. The reason is beside the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH’s sibling and the two children in question are all the same gender and there is no specific “shared interest” to explain this.

Why did you say siblings? And be honest about your kids. Do they act the same? Do they bicker relentlessly? Do you favor one over the other and are they taking out the black sheep to try to make up for it because you have an obvious Golden Child? I don't believe it's random and they flipped a coin and picked one.

Normally there is a reason - favorite one is:
Male
Better looking
Good athlete
Smart
Humor
Remind the person of themselves

Lest favorite might remind them of negative qualities in themselves

Obviously there is a reason and OP is avoiding the question other than to say it isn't about out shared interests. It probably means the less favored one is difficult to handle and OP doesn't want to acknowledge it.

I haven’t avoided the question. There is no reason. Doesn’t matter if you keep insisting there is. The only potential “reason” is favorite kid was the first baby born of that generation.

I mean, being older can be reason. I don’t like small kids and get along better with my older nieces (until the smaller ones get older). Now I like them all! But I didn’t care for any of them until they hit a certain level of maturity.

There IS a reason, you just either don’t know or are ignoring it.

Can you read? They are teenagers and I already said this. You are just trying to argue. It's not because one is a small kid. Stop showing favoritism to your niece or nephew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH’s sibling and the two children in question are all the same gender and there is no specific “shared interest” to explain this.

Why did you say siblings? And be honest about your kids. Do they act the same? Do they bicker relentlessly? Do you favor one over the other and are they taking out the black sheep to try to make up for it because you have an obvious Golden Child? I don't believe it's random and they flipped a coin and picked one.

Normally there is a reason - favorite one is:
Male
Better looking
Good athlete
Smart
Humor
Remind the person of themselves

Lest favorite might remind them of negative qualities in themselves

Obviously there is a reason and OP is avoiding the question other than to say it isn't about out shared interests. It probably means the less favored one is difficult to handle and OP doesn't want to acknowledge it.

I haven’t avoided the question. There is no reason. Doesn’t matter if you keep insisting there is. The only potential “reason” is favorite kid was the first baby born of that generation.

I mean, being older can be reason. I don’t like small kids and get along better with my older nieces (until the smaller ones get older). Now I like them all! But I didn’t care for any of them until they hit a certain level of maturity.

There IS a reason, you just either don’t know or are ignoring it.

Can you read? They are teenagers and I already said this. You are just trying to argue. It's not because one is a small kid. Stop showing favoritism to your niece or nephew.

There's a reason and you don't want to say. So you won't get any advice you want to hear because nobody understands what's going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH’s sibling and the two children in question are all the same gender and there is no specific “shared interest” to explain this.

Why did you say siblings? And be honest about your kids. Do they act the same? Do they bicker relentlessly? Do you favor one over the other and are they taking out the black sheep to try to make up for it because you have an obvious Golden Child? I don't believe it's random and they flipped a coin and picked one.

Normally there is a reason - favorite one is:
Male
Better looking
Good athlete
Smart
Humor
Remind the person of themselves

Lest favorite might remind them of negative qualities in themselves

Obviously there is a reason and OP is avoiding the question other than to say it isn't about out shared interests. It probably means the less favored one is difficult to handle and OP doesn't want to acknowledge it.

I haven’t avoided the question. There is no reason. Doesn’t matter if you keep insisting there is. The only potential “reason” is favorite kid was the first baby born of that generation.

I mean, being older can be reason. I don’t like small kids and get along better with my older nieces (until the smaller ones get older). Now I like them all! But I didn’t care for any of them until they hit a certain level of maturity.

There IS a reason, you just either don’t know or are ignoring it.

Why does it matter if there's a "reason." Saying there is a "reason" implies the reason is legitimate. Sometimes in a mixed race situation, for example, the lighter-skinned child is favored, and that's clearly the reason, but it's still unfair. Whatever the "reason" is, if there is one, the OP said "the less-favored child definitely notices, cares, and doesn’t understand." If it's at that point, then there's something wrong regardless of a reason. The reason is beside the point.

What is the illegitimate reason in this case then? Because if it's race the answer is obvious how to handle. If one is an annoying brat then OP needs to work on manners because it's fixable. Of course the reason matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH’s sibling and the two children in question are all the same gender and there is no specific “shared interest” to explain this.

Why did you say siblings? And be honest about your kids. Do they act the same? Do they bicker relentlessly? Do you favor one over the other and are they taking out the black sheep to try to make up for it because you have an obvious Golden Child? I don't believe it's random and they flipped a coin and picked one.

Normally there is a reason - favorite one is:
Male
Better looking
Good athlete
Smart
Humor
Remind the person of themselves

Lest favorite might remind them of negative qualities in themselves

Obviously there is a reason and OP is avoiding the question other than to say it isn't about out shared interests. It probably means the less favored one is difficult to handle and OP doesn't want to acknowledge it.

I haven’t avoided the question. There is no reason. Doesn’t matter if you keep insisting there is. The only potential “reason” is favorite kid was the first baby born of that generation.

I mean, being older can be reason. I don’t like small kids and get along better with my older nieces (until the smaller ones get older). Now I like them all! But I didn’t care for any of them until they hit a certain level of maturity.

There IS a reason, you just either don’t know or are ignoring it.

Can you read? They are teenagers and I already said this. You are just trying to argue. It's not because one is a small kid. Stop showing favoritism to your niece or nephew.

Oh, I am very fair. I barely have a relationship with any of them and that is fine with me. Is that what you want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH’s sibling and the two children in question are all the same gender and there is no specific “shared interest” to explain this.

Why did you say siblings? And be honest about your kids. Do they act the same? Do they bicker relentlessly? Do you favor one over the other and are they taking out the black sheep to try to make up for it because you have an obvious Golden Child? I don't believe it's random and they flipped a coin and picked one.

Normally there is a reason - favorite one is:
Male
Better looking
Good athlete
Smart
Humor
Remind the person of themselves

Lest favorite might remind them of negative qualities in themselves

Obviously there is a reason and OP is avoiding the question other than to say it isn't about out shared interests. It probably means the less favored one is difficult to handle and OP doesn't want to acknowledge it.

I haven’t avoided the question. There is no reason. Doesn’t matter if you keep insisting there is. The only potential “reason” is favorite kid was the first baby born of that generation.

I mean, being older can be reason. I don’t like small kids and get along better with my older nieces (until the smaller ones get older). Now I like them all! But I didn’t care for any of them until they hit a certain level of maturity.

There IS a reason, you just either don’t know or are ignoring it.

Can you read? They are teenagers and I already said this. You are just trying to argue. It's not because one is a small kid. Stop showing favoritism to your niece or nephew.

Every teenager and family must be so different. I have two teens same sex and they are very busy. They would never sit home being sad over an uncle or grandparent favoring one of them over the other. My oldest is much closer to grandparents and know one another better. No chance my younger son feels bad about this whatsoever. He is much more focused on his friends and high school life.

There have been a few times where we only have one extra ticket to a basketball game or hockey game where someone gives DH two tickets. The older one has gone to more of those last min ones but the younger one has gotten tickets for him and his friends and has gone to waaaaay more events and outings in his life because the younger kid is super social.

My childhood friend had a sister who was better than her in almost everything. They were only a year apart. The younger sister was prettier, smarter and better liked. Everyone liked the sister more, including friends and family. My friend probably thought it was about looks but the younger sister has a very easy going personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH’s sibling and the two children in question are all the same gender and there is no specific “shared interest” to explain this.

Why did you say siblings? And be honest about your kids. Do they act the same? Do they bicker relentlessly? Do you favor one over the other and are they taking out the black sheep to try to make up for it because you have an obvious Golden Child? I don't believe it's random and they flipped a coin and picked one.

Normally there is a reason - favorite one is:
Male
Better looking
Good athlete
Smart
Humor
Remind the person of themselves

Lest favorite might remind them of negative qualities in themselves

Obviously there is a reason and OP is avoiding the question other than to say it isn't about out shared interests. It probably means the less favored one is difficult to handle and OP doesn't want to acknowledge it.

I haven’t avoided the question. There is no reason. Doesn’t matter if you keep insisting there is. The only potential “reason” is favorite kid was the first baby born of that generation.

I mean, being older can be reason. I don’t like small kids and get along better with my older nieces (until the smaller ones get older). Now I like them all! But I didn’t care for any of them until they hit a certain level of maturity.

There IS a reason, you just either don’t know or are ignoring it.

Can you read? They are teenagers and I already said this. You are just trying to argue. It's not because one is a small kid. Stop showing favoritism to your niece or nephew.

Oh, I am very fair. I barely have a relationship with any of them and that is fine with me. Is that what you want?

DP but I have 2 easy kids and 1 difficult. I think family member do less with my kids than other family members because they don't want to show clear favoritism. So, they all miss out. That isn't what I want at all. The one missing out probably wouldn't care that much and we would just do something 1:1 with them anyway to make up for it and we'd all be much happier for it. Nobody wins by just avoiding the problem and trying to make things "even".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH’s sibling and the two children in question are all the same gender and there is no specific “shared interest” to explain this.

Why did you say siblings? And be honest about your kids. Do they act the same? Do they bicker relentlessly? Do you favor one over the other and are they taking out the black sheep to try to make up for it because you have an obvious Golden Child? I don't believe it's random and they flipped a coin and picked one.

Normally there is a reason - favorite one is:
Male
Better looking
Good athlete
Smart
Humor
Remind the person of themselves

Lest favorite might remind them of negative qualities in themselves

Obviously there is a reason and OP is avoiding the question other than to say it isn't about out shared interests. It probably means the less favored one is difficult to handle and OP doesn't want to acknowledge it.

I haven’t avoided the question. There is no reason. Doesn’t matter if you keep insisting there is. The only potential “reason” is favorite kid was the first baby born of that generation.

I mean, being older can be reason. I don’t like small kids and get along better with my older nieces (until the smaller ones get older). Now I like them all! But I didn’t care for any of them until they hit a certain level of maturity.

There IS a reason, you just either don’t know or are ignoring it.

Can you read? They are teenagers and I already said this. You are just trying to argue. It's not because one is a small kid. Stop showing favoritism to your niece or nephew.

Oh, I am very fair. I barely have a relationship with any of them and that is fine with me. Is that what you want?

If you are their aunt? Definitely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the age difference and what exactly are they doing? How old is the one less favored? If it's something a long the lines of they just click with the other one more over shared interests, that's one thing. If it's giving them gifts or taking them places and intentionally leaving the other one out, that's different.

Has your husband talked to their sibling about this?

It’s this and the kids are both teens. 2.5 years apart. Husband is planning to have a serious talk.

?Grooming behavior

[Anonymous]

My MIL favors my oldest. She doesn’t seem to really care about the other two kids. I asked my oldest how he thinks his sister and brother feel when he’s the only one who gets gifts from MIL. So he said something and this last time, my MIL actually sent something for all the kids.

Since my husband never sees anything wrong with his mom’s behavior, he never said anything to her about it.