Should I not marry a high earner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most men are not super great husbands and hands-on dads. You will end up doing 70%+ of the work regardless of
his income. So, might as well marry one who earns more money.

Yes, there are exceptions. But not a lot.

Totally agree. You sound like a troll OP or someone who grew up poor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Are they jealous? DH is a high earner and is an amazing husband and dad. Sounds like despite being a high earner he makes time for you now and is a good bf. DH hasn't changed in the 17 years we've been together. Has always been great.

I don’t think they are jealous. Some of these women are older ladies who tell me how bad it is to be in charge of kids and the house and all the husband does is make a paycheck. They warned me that this will be my life is I choose a man who works too much.

They are jealous.

And whether or not a man shares his burden in housework and kid raising is not necessarily related to how much he earns. Plenty of slacker husbands out there who don't earn that much or a ton and still make the woman do most of the work.

DH is a high earned and does at least half of the housework and parenting. He's got high standards across the board.

[Anonymous]

Forget about income for a sec. The real problem is hours, flexibility, and stress.

If you want a 50/50 partnership, and you’re a straight woman, your husband needs to be working 40 hours a week. MAYBE 45. Otherwise, particularly if he makes way more money, you’re the primary parent, whether you want to be or not, even if you work full time.

So - what are his current hours? If he’s working significantly more than 40 hours a week, how does he think that will change when you have kids? Does what he’s saying sound thoughtful? Are you on the same page? “I’m sure it will all work out” or “no, I’ll definitely help out” or “plenty of parents put in a lot of hours” - run. You will not get what you want. “I’m paying my dues now. In 3-5 years, I’ll be able to take a big step back.” Or “Yeah, this job is a great fit for me now, but once kids are on the way, I think a lower-pressure job like XYZ would be a better fit more my life” - great.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on what they do. My DH is a high earner. He makes around $700k but he is a lawyer. He works a lot. When he is home he helps with the kids but definitely does not do 50/50.

I work too and make $150k. I would never leave my job.

We have 3 kids and they are expensive. I am organized and have it pretty well handled when DH is super busy or traveling. No local family and no nanny.

[Anonymous]

It is rare for a man to stay humble and helpful when he’s a high earner. Do the people telling you this know him well? They are probably just generalizing having known other men who are so selfish and narcissistic. I married a guy who was penniless but became a high earner, and yes, he changed! But if your man is already a high earner and no signs of over-inflated ego or workaholism/perfectionism, then you shouldn’t worry. Think about whether you’re okay with a strict pre-nup, and try to maintain your financial independence.

[Anonymous]

I mean, my DH is a very average earner and I still work and do everything with the house and kids so.. I'd trade..

[Anonymous]

No, you should marry someone with a low income and struggle to pay off student loan debts, buy a house, and afford daycare. This way, you both can work your low-paying jobs and barely get by. At least he’ll have extra time from working a 35 hour a week job to change diapers and make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in your 2-bedroom apartment, right?

[Anonymous]

Most high earners need to marry a sahm or a person with a flexible job. I have 3 kids and two high earners just wouldn’t work (unless we’re taking millions and you have a nanny + housekeeper). At least once a month I’m called from one of their schools or daycares that they’re sick and I need to pickup in 15 min. A lot of people cannot drop important client meetings or surgeries like that. Or they are completely unreachable (my dh). Amongst dhs coworkers, most are married to low earning but still jobs that we get a lot of personal enjoyment and success at. Like Feds, teachers, NGOs.

That’s not to say that high earners make bad husbands. Dh is home every single night for dinner with us, he coaches sports and he takes all the kids to school (I work 6-2:30).

The best advice I’ve heard recently was not to marry a man who wants a wife and babies. Marry a man who wants to be a husband and a father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most men are not super great husbands and hands-on dads. You will end up doing 70%+ of the work regardless of
his income. So, might as well marry one who earns more money.

Yes, there are exceptions. But not a lot.

This. You would be an idiot not to marry this guy.

[Anonymous]

How about, do not marry a man if you think men suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about, do not marry a man if you think men suck.

Obviously, the answer is that she should marry this guy, have kids, and then divorce. The ex-husband can fund your lifestyle. You can then marry a more nurturing, less ego-drive man, who will not work long hours. You'll have the resources and the connection. It's a win-win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Are they jealous? DH is a high earner and is an amazing husband and dad. Sounds like despite being a high earner he makes time for you now and is a good bf. DH hasn't changed in the 17 years we've been together. Has always been great.

I don’t think they are jealous. Some of these women are older ladies who tell me how bad it is to be in charge of kids and the house and all the husband does is make a paycheck. They warned me that this will be my life is I choose a man who works too much.

They are jealous.

And whether or not a man shares his burden in housework and kid raising is not necessarily related to how much he earns. Plenty of slacker husbands out there who don't earn that much or a ton and still make the woman do most of the work.

DP here. I'm not jealous of the money since we have plenty. And I love my DH's personality and the attention he gives us when he can. I wouldn't trade him.

But yes I am a little envious of a husband who can make a lot of money and not have to work evenings and weekends with at least some regularity. WFH/technology has made parts of that better and parts of it worse.

If a spouse makes a lot, does not have to be responsive on nights/weekends, AND is a loving, involved family man, that is really wonderful for his family.

[Anonymous]

My sister and I both have three kids. I am married to a high earner who works long hours and travels frequently and have stayed part time and flexibile in my work to cover everything kid related. I don’t think DH has ever made it to a parent-teacher conference or an orthodontist appointment for example, and I carry the mental load (bills, financial planning, trip planning, camps, etc). When he’s home he pitches in with cooking, school projects, driving kids, etc, but there are lots of times when I’m solo parenting. My sister and her husband on the other hand both make the same amount and both work 40hrs a week. They are home together in the evenings and on weekends and take turns with covering school holidays, kid appointments and sick days etc. While I’m envious of that shared parenting load, allowing one person to lean in at work has ultimately given our family over triple the income and at the end of the day having three kids is really expensive. Not feeling stressed about camps, braces, travel, extracurriculars, college etc, is worth the trade off from what I can see.