Not getting invited to parties after being invited in previous years

[Anonymous]

Some of this is just people starting to do smaller parties as their kids get older (we only did whole class parties in preschool). The other part is parents not teaching their children not to talk about parties at school. Each year, we drill it into our children not to talk about their birthday parties at school, not even with attendees at recess, because other kids may feel bad that they weren't invited. I get the feeling most parents don't talk to their kids about this.

We also tell our children that you can't be BFFs with everyone and you won't get invited to every party. It doesn't mean that this person isn't your friend or that they are a mean person, it just means they had a small party, and remind them about how they only invited 4 kids to their party last year....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of this is just people starting to do smaller parties as their kids get older (we only did whole class parties in preschool). The other part is parents not teaching their children not to talk about parties at school. Each year, we drill it into our children not to talk about their birthday parties at school, not even with attendees at recess, because other kids may feel bad that they weren't invited. I get the feeling most parents don't talk to their kids about this.

We also tell our children that you can't be BFFs with everyone and you won't get invited to every party. It doesn't mean that this person isn't your friend or that they are a mean person, it just means they had a small party, and remind them about how they only invited 4 kids to their party last year....

The girl specifically told DD and another child they were not invited to her party. I’m not sure if only 2 from the table or 2 from the class were not invited. DD said it made her feel bad. I told her the girl was rude to say that and DD said it wasn’t nice to say mean things about the girl. My DD is such a sweetheart.

I mentioned her birthday and what kind of party she wanted and she said she wanted a big party. I asked if she wanted invite the whole class including the girl and she said yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I have 3 kids and for my older kids, they always invited all the boys in their class. Even when my son said he never talked to said boy, we still invited him.

I don’t know if it is a boy vs girl thing but I have never heard my boys mention not being invited to a party. I’m sure there were many parties they weren’t invited to but they never told me. DD talks to me a lot and tells me her disappointment.

Not super comforting, but a whole class invite carries a pretty big expense. We made the stretch through third grade, but I didn't love it. Even a home party involves labor and cost - especially if the parents stick around. Last year, my 2nd kid opted for the $ for a party instead of having one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I have 3 kids and for my older kids, they always invited all the boys in their class. Even when my son said he never talked to said boy, we still invited him.

I don’t know if it is a boy vs girl thing but I have never heard my boys mention not being invited to a party. I’m sure there were many parties they weren’t invited to but they never told me. DD talks to me a lot and tells me her disappointment.

Not super comforting, but a whole class invite carries a pretty big expense. We made the stretch through third grade, but I didn't love it. Even a home party involves labor and cost - especially if the parents stick around. Last year, my 2nd kid opted for the $ for a party instead of having one.

DD said she wants a party at our house. We actually have a very large home but not sure I want to host 50+ people. Parents seem to still stick around.

I think our headcount was 75 last year since we invited the whole class plus some friends from preschool and our family friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I have 3 kids and for my older kids, they always invited all the boys in their class. Even when my son said he never talked to said boy, we still invited him.

I don’t know if it is a boy vs girl thing but I have never heard my boys mention not being invited to a party. I’m sure there were many parties they weren’t invited to but they never told me. DD talks to me a lot and tells me her disappointment.

It’s hard to see your child upset, but this is a good opportunity for her to start building resilience and coping with feelings of disappointment and not being included.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I have 3 kids and for my older kids, they always invited all the boys in their class. Even when my son said he never talked to said boy, we still invited him.

I don’t know if it is a boy vs girl thing but I have never heard my boys mention not being invited to a party. I’m sure there were many parties they weren’t invited to but they never told me. DD talks to me a lot and tells me her disappointment.

It’s hard to see your child upset, but this is a good opportunity for her to start building resilience and coping with feelings of disappointment and not being included.

That's easy if it's a few parties. In 6th grade when the parties shrank to a couple of kids, my DD got zero invites including the girls who came to hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I have 3 kids and for my older kids, they always invited all the boys in their class. Even when my son said he never talked to said boy, we still invited him.

I don’t know if it is a boy vs girl thing but I have never heard my boys mention not being invited to a party. I’m sure there were many parties they weren’t invited to but they never told me. DD talks to me a lot and tells me her disappointment.

It’s hard to see your child upset, but this is a good opportunity for her to start building resilience and coping with feelings of disappointment and not being included.

I actually loved that she still said she would invite the girl with the rest of the class even if she wasn’t nice and didn’t invite her. Not inviting is fine and may still have hurt DD’s feelings but the girl singled out DD and another child and told them that she didn’t invite them. This is the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I have 3 kids and for my older kids, they always invited all the boys in their class. Even when my son said he never talked to said boy, we still invited him.

I don’t know if it is a boy vs girl thing but I have never heard my boys mention not being invited to a party. I’m sure there were many parties they weren’t invited to but they never told me. DD talks to me a lot and tells me her disappointment.

It’s hard to see your child upset, but this is a good opportunity for her to start building resilience and coping with feelings of disappointment and not being included.

I actually loved that she still said she would invite the girl with the rest of the class even if she wasn’t nice and didn’t invite her. Not inviting is fine and may still have hurt DD’s feelings but the girl singled out DD and another child and told them that she didn’t invite them. This is the difference.

Yes, OP should be so proud of her kid's generosity in the face of a slight. That other kid is likely a sad/lacking in confidence child. OP's kid seems to have her head on straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I have 3 kids and for my older kids, they always invited all the boys in their class. Even when my son said he never talked to said boy, we still invited him.

I don’t know if it is a boy vs girl thing but I have never heard my boys mention not being invited to a party. I’m sure there were many parties they weren’t invited to but they never told me. DD talks to me a lot and tells me her disappointment.

It’s hard to see your child upset, but this is a good opportunity for her to start building resilience and coping with feelings of disappointment and not being included.

I actually loved that she still said she would invite the girl with the rest of the class even if she wasn’t nice and didn’t invite her. Not inviting is fine and may still have hurt DD’s feelings but the girl singled out DD and another child and told them that she didn’t invite them. This is the difference.

Yes, OP should be so proud of her kid's generosity in the face of a slight. That other kid is likely a sad/lacking in confidence child. OP's kid seems to have her head on straight.

It comes from the parents. I once heard of a mom who invited all the girls in the class for a birthday party. A boy in the class was upset that he wasn’t invited. When the boy had a party, the mom invited the entire class and did not invite the girl. When the girl mom asked about it thinking it was an error, the boy mom said there was no error.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parties starting late in 1st and then in 2nd get smaller. 10 kids. Boys and girls both get left out, it happens to everyone. Those 10 kids can include family friends, sports friends, close aged siblings or cousins. Continue all class/all gender parties if that is what you or your DD wants but it doesn't guarantee reciprocal invites. It does help if you are friends with the moms at that age.

My older kids are now tweens/teens. Over on the tween/teen forum, people often talk about their kid being the left out one. My boys were never the left out ones. I have even responded on those threads that I often only take who I can fit in my car so that means closest 4 friends only.

Ugh I feel like my daughter is not the same as my boys. She seems also much more sensitive.

So you didn't care or feel bad at all until it was your kid. Got it.

I also said that I made my kids invite all the boys in the class until sixth grade. It didn’t feel right to invite only 10 of the 11 or 12 boys so we invited all of the boys.

This wouldn't work for my kid because his classes are huge. He has 19 boys in his class this year. And a lot of his friends are not in his class but he'll still invite them. Sorry but we can't afford to and don't want to host a party for 30+ kids in the name of being inclusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parties starting late in 1st and then in 2nd get smaller. 10 kids. Boys and girls both get left out, it happens to everyone. Those 10 kids can include family friends, sports friends, close aged siblings or cousins. Continue all class/all gender parties if that is what you or your DD wants but it doesn't guarantee reciprocal invites. It does help if you are friends with the moms at that age.

My older kids are now tweens/teens. Over on the tween/teen forum, people often talk about their kid being the left out one. My boys were never the left out ones. I have even responded on those threads that I often only take who I can fit in my car so that means closest 4 friends only.

Ugh I feel like my daughter is not the same as my boys. She seems also much more sensitive.

So you didn't care or feel bad at all until it was your kid. Got it.

I also said that I made my kids invite all the boys in the class until sixth grade. It didn’t feel right to invite only 10 of the 11 or 12 boys so we invited all of the boys.

This wouldn't work for my kid because his classes are huge. He has 19 boys in his class this year. And a lot of his friends are not in his class but he'll still invite them. Sorry but we can't afford to and don't want to host a party for 30+ kids in the name of being inclusive.

I never really thought about it or kept track since my boys have always been invited to a lot of parties. I didn’t do a headcount or ask if everyone was invited.

School literally just started. Invitations probably went out before school started. My kid was not invited. She felt bad about it. Then the girl was actually mean and told DD she didn’t invite her. My DD is ok and all is well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parties starting late in 1st and then in 2nd get smaller. 10 kids. Boys and girls both get left out, it happens to everyone. Those 10 kids can include family friends, sports friends, close aged siblings or cousins. Continue all class/all gender parties if that is what you or your DD wants but it doesn't guarantee reciprocal invites. It does help if you are friends with the moms at that age.

My older kids are now tweens/teens. Over on the tween/teen forum, people often talk about their kid being the left out one. My boys were never the left out ones. I have even responded on those threads that I often only take who I can fit in my car so that means closest 4 friends only.

Ugh I feel like my daughter is not the same as my boys. She seems also much more sensitive.

It sounds like your boys were popular and somewhat insulated from the type of rejection your daughter is experiencing right now and that they also (maybe because of popularity) were not as impacted emotionally when they were not included. You now can appreciate better what those parents were talking about and for your daughter, validate the disappointment and feelings of rejection/embarrassment while knowing you can't fix it. This is life and it really sucks. But also help her reason through it - maybe these girls are closer to play sports together. There was probably not an intention to hurt her. How can she feel connected during this time? Does she have friends she can hang out with more, either inside or outside of school.