Not getting invited to parties after being invited in previous years

[Anonymous]

I found that last year (gr.2), many of the parties that DD was invited to were small, which allowed a small group of girls to do spa day, small sleep under, or whatever. They were small parties so she also understood that not every party would include her, and it didn’t seem to cause any stress.

As far as her being bummed about having nothing to do this weekend - that’s on you, isn’t it? How many play dates or park meetups have you offered and arranged?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It could be a smaller party like 10 and under kids. In these particular situations I always ask myself “would this child make my kid’s top 10” for a smaller party. Are you friends w the mom? Usually that’s a big factor too at this age.

It is one boy and one girl. We are not close to either child or family. As an adult, of course I understand why she wasn’t invited. We haven’t spoken to or hung out with these people all summer. They are not people we are close to. That doesn’t mean that her friends are not going and that the kids are talking about it at school.

It is a tough lesson to learn but, an important one. Perhaps those who were invited are closer?

I often say and think that not being included is not the same as being excluded. It is much easier to think this way when your kid is the included one.

I’m more friendly with my daughters’ classmates moms than my older kids’ friends’ parents. My boys have always been on multiple sports teams and friends always overlapped. My daughter doesn’t have that.

[Anonymous]

Can you set up playdates and the like to build her community at school?

[Anonymous]

I really feel like this "everyone has to be inclusive" is setting our kids up for failure. DS has been excluded. I've been excluded. Yeah it hurts but it's part of life and you learn how to build your own community. DS will never be part of the "popular kids". But it's ok, he has a small group of close friends and he's happy.

You say your daughter doesn't play with the boy and girl who didn't invite her. So it makes sense she wouldn't be invited if they were doing small things. She's young enough where you can still facilitate playdates. Id start doing that. Help her build her community at school. There are other girls who aren't into sports and the like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents should teach their kids not to talk about things like parties at school. When I was a kid (in this area) I was raised to believe that was common politeness, as were my friends.

And OP you need to teach your daughter that it's OK for there to be events not everyone is invited to and that it's OK for people to pick their friends. Yes it might sting at times but it's going to be happening for the rest of her life so she should probably start dealing with it now.

The left out kids might have a smaller circle of friends, but that doesn't make it a less meaningful circle. My kids are often the left out ones.

+1 we have told are kids since they were tiny that they are absolutely not to be talking about parties at school, that is it so rude to speak about invitation-only events around others who may or may not be invited. That being said, it’s good to point out to your child times when they have socialized with only a few friends for logistical reasons (“remember when we took Jackie to get Boba after ballet? That was so much fun and a special treat for you and her. Did it make you love Caroline less because you didn’t call her to join? Of course not! Sometimes we can’t fit everyone we love into the car or invite everyone to the movie because there are so many friends we care about!”).

[Anonymous]

Well, then you don’t invite them to your DD’s next party. The groups will keep changing each year.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me as a kid. My mom said "well are you friends with K? No? Then why would you be invited to her birthday party?". Harsh, but true. There is a better way of explaining this to kids but the reality is not everyone has to be your friend and invite you to everything

[Anonymous]

When is your child’s BD and do you host large parties? Is your child in activities?

My son with a November BD is invited to a lot of parties. I think the reason is that we tend to have larger (all class or all boys) parties since it’s the beginning of the year and it’s a good way for us to meet kids from him class.

My son with a July BD has smaller parties because kids are away over the summer and he goes to fewer parties during the school year as a result. He is also a shy kid, but he gets invited by kids from his scout den, sports teams, etc.

If you are hosting and not getting reciprocal invites, maybe your child is struggling socially and you can talk to the teacher to see if there are issues. If you aren’t hosting it’s a bit like complaining your kid never gets invited to play dates when you never plan or host any pay dates.

[Anonymous]

I didn't do work with my popular kid either but the invites just came. The less popular one, we prioritized playdates and getting to know the moms. I was trying to help him make more friends but it did result in more invites. So if it really matters to you, try to make friends with the moms of the girls.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t found that inviting kids to playdates makes a big difference in getting birthday invitations. Kids usually invite the kids they like at school. At the younger ages it might make a difference if parents are friendly with each other, because parents are the ones deciding the guest list.

[Anonymous]

I plan to mitigate this by ensuring my daughter always has multiple groups of friends outside of school like Girl Scouts, neighbors, music group, etc. so that there are always other friends when on group isn’t working out. Could you help your daughter develop some relationships outside of school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really feel like this "everyone has to be inclusive" is setting our kids up for failure. DS has been excluded. I've been excluded. Yeah it hurts but it's part of life and you learn how to build your own community. DS will never be part of the "popular kids". But it's ok, he has a small group of close friends and he's happy.

You say your daughter doesn't play with the boy and girl who didn't invite her. So it makes sense she wouldn't be invited if they were doing small things. She's young enough where you can still facilitate playdates. Id start doing that. Help her build her community at school. There are other girls who aren't into sports and the like.

My daughter does dance. She does have friends and she was invited to probably 15, 20 if you include my friends’ kids.

It just feels bad if your friends are going and you are not. This is a new feeling for her. After Covid, everyone had parties and it seemed like invited everyone. She also got invited to a few smaller parties last year where they did a manicure or a sleep under. Only 5 girls were invited.

[Anonymous]

I always remind DS not to discuss parties and grades with classmates. Discussing parties is rude because not everyone is invited. Discussing grades is unnecessary because school is not a competition. I think he is good on not discussing parties but I know he shares grades because his friends tell him their grades and he is ok telling them his. My point? We can tell kids not to do something and some times they will listen and some times they won’t.

We stopped with inclusive parties after pre-school. DS can choose who he invites to his party but we will ask about kids in the group that maybe he doesn’t initially include. He knows he is not invited to other peoples parties and that doesn’t seem to bother him. You probably need to discuss with your daughter that sometimes you are not invited. Ask how well she knows the kids in question and discuss why they may not have invited her. It is ok to have an inclusive party if you want but don’t expect it to be reciprocated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I plan to mitigate this by ensuring my daughter always has multiple groups of friends outside of school like Girl Scouts, neighbors, music group, etc. so that there are always other friends when on group isn’t working out. Could you help your daughter develop some relationships outside of school?

Cool nice work

[Anonymous]

By first grade almost every parent drops off their kids and there is no way I am supervising all of the girls in my kid's class. Also, if one invited all the kids in the class they wouldn't be able to invite close friends from prior years. Part of this is cost but also the supervision issue. It's just not realistic to continue inviting everyone in the class.