managing negative emotions about grieving relatives
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Anonymous
That may be true. Sometimes emotions and feelings are not what society think they should be. So, how do we deal with this? It is a reality. That is her question. I understand. |
Anonymous
| Leave this poor family alone OP. Your posts turn my stomach. |
Anonymous
This is so very true, and it isn’t limited to deaths. Wherever we see misfortune and suffering, many of us have a tendency to judge and condemn. We want to insulate ourselves and believe terrible things can’t happen to us because we control them by being/doing better than… OP, in my opinion, there are two right things you can do in this situation. The first is to show up with nothing but support for your sister and her grieving family. If anyone says something judgy you say [I’m here to support Sister and her family, and to grieve Nephew. Just repeat that whenever something ugly comes up. Don’t Debate. Don’t argue. Say talk to you later and end the conversation if they don’t stop. Give your sister what she needs. Many parents really want to talk about their children’s lives, not just rehash the death. Attune yourself to her cues and those of her family. You have said repeatedly that you love your sister. Make that love a verb. Back burner your needs (you can meet them when you go home). Focus on on your sister and her family. Be their safe place. You may never have a great relationship with your sister, but you can do this now. If you can’t set aside the negative feelings and judgement that you have don’t go now. |
Anonymous
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You have an ugly soul OP.
If you can’t keep your mouth shut and focus totally on support of the grieving, don’t go. If you have this much trouble handling your know-it-all judgey emotions when others are in crisis and have far, far bigger problems than you have, try therapy, medication, and running 10 miles, I am serious. |
Anonymous
Except all these feelings and anger were present before the death. I don't see how anyone can defend OP. She's vile |
Anonymous
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This story is so sad.
If you really give a crap about your sister, keep your judgmental relatives distracted and away from her and keep your opinions to yourself. Let her grieve her dead child. Expect to be shut out if you or anyone else piles on when she needs to grieve. |
Anonymous
| OP, it might help for you to explore this notion that you are being "dishonest". Do you think your sister is not already blaming herself? Do you think she is blissfully unaware her family is blaming her behind her back? Based on what you have described, it sounds like you wouldn't be giving her any new information by being "honest", so this is not about being honest. This is about you feeling upset about what happened and looking for someone to blame. Which is a totally natural response but obviously, as you know, is not something you should ever say out loud to your sister or to anyone else and you need to shut down anyone who tries to blame the mother for the loss of her child. |
Anonymous
A person who doesn't like her sister is automatically "vile"? Yikes. I disagree. But I do think bashing a person grieving the loss of a child is pretty vile and OP is specifically trying to avoid doing that, while you are repeatedly insisting you are in the right in bashing the OP, who is very obviously grieving. |
Anonymous
| OP, you manage the interactions. Of course you stay at a hotel. The whole time. You have your own car. You behave well. You have short visits. You drive yourself. You are always able to, without drama, excuse yourself and leave, if the visit is not going well. Don't overstay. |
Anonymous
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OP I hear you and we have experienced this too with racist comments. The thing is teenagers can be idiots. I would not hold a grudge. I think the best approach is education. If it is brought up my concern would be making sure he understands why it was problematic, but I would give grace and hope others do the same when your kids do something idiotic and rude.
I hear you about the way he died. It's frustrating when you know it was extremely dangerous, but parenting is complicated. I have a cousin who's kid does extreme skiing and LOVES it. We have friends who were hesitant to let their daughter fully develop her talent in gymnastics and it's amazing to watch her, but it makes me quite anxious even though it brings her joy. If the child loved the sport then I would find peace. If the child had been pushed into the sport then I would really be unable to deal with seeing the parents, even my own sibling. So if this teen died pursuing a true passion I hope you will find peace and respect the parents for supporting it. |
Anonymous
Ugh you’re disgusting. As another PP said, you’re just bullying OP, who is also grieving her nephew in her own complicated way. Does it make you feel better to pile on suffering people? |
Anonymous
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What was the gist of the slur OP? You said the kid meant it as a joke, which makes me think it wasn’t anything so egregious as the N word. And if by your own admission he meant it as a joke (and I do realize intent doesn’t completely absolve him) why are you holding onto this grudge? It sounds like you know he wasn’t trying to hurt your child intentionally. Sounds like a dumb teen. For all you know he has matured since then. Seems like you’re predisposed to judging your sister’s family.
And you know, maybe the extreme sport isn’t a risk you’d take with your kid. But I’m willing to bet you allow her to take risks other parents wouldn’t. I’m sure you are constantly balancing her overall wellbeing with keeping her in a bubble. For all you know your sister allowed her son to engage in the extreme sport because he is a thrill seeker and it seemed like a better option than him getting involved with a partying/drug crowd. Or the sport helped him overcome some mental health issues. Or whatever. Clearly she and her son decided there was some value in it despite the risks, and unfortunately this child came out on the unfortunate end of statistics. I have a family friend who lost a child in an ATV accident. I would never allow my kids to ride on one, but I get that they live in a rural area and it’s a common pastime, so I have only sympathy, not judgment. |
Anonymous
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OP, I’m sorry you’re getting so much grief here. I think everyone is right about not just not participating in gossip but actively helping to shut it down when you can.
I get your feelings. My sister is wealthy and educated, in her 40s, and refuses to wear a seatbelt or buckle her kids into car seats. They have car seats, but the preschoolers sit in them unbuckled. I’m afraid for them because she also messed with her phone while driving, mostly talking but also texting and messing with maps. I’ve literally been on the phone with her while she was driving and hear her tell her 2yo to get out of their seat and pick up a toy that was dropped because she couldn’t reach it. If someday, god forbid, she has an accident and her children are killed especially if it’s due to her poor driving and their lack of proper restraints, I suppose all the PPs here would say I shouldn’t judge her. That’s nonsense. I won’t say to her that she FAFO at the funeral, but sometimes a child’s death is a direct cause of the parent's neglect. I like to think I could rise above saying that to her ever, but I’m human and I know how angry I already am that she endangers her kids. I dont blame parents for every little thing, but yeah, sometimes people make really bad choices with quite predictable life threatening consequences. It sounds like OP’s nephew’s hobby was quite dangerous, and I thinn it’s normal to feel some judgment and anger toward her sister. I also think it’s smart to have a plan for what she’ll say when people approach her with judgmental comments so she can respond appropriately. |
Anonymous
You're right, grief often presents as anger. It would be very normal for a grieving OP to present as angry at the unnamed activity that took her nephew/niece's life, angry at god, angry at intact families, angry at herself for not attending the funeral, angry at his mother for allowing him to do the activity - if she were actually engaged in a grieving process for this child. But there is no sense of grief in her post. Just, how do I keep my mouth shut when I know better how this child should have been parented and I find it ridiculous that his parents allowed this? This is not a stage of grief. This is the opposite of grief work. It's like saying that the reason OP didn't go to the funeral was that she was in the "denial" stage of grief. No, sorry. There's no indicia of grief here. On the one hand, as a grieving mom myself, I'm tempted to tell OP to stay away. On the other hand, my brother and his family and my family were not close when my child died. There had been a lot of incidents. But they all came to the funeral and it led to a turning of the page and a new relationship. Can you not use this death as way to forge a new relationship? One thing I can tell you OP, your sister well never be the same person she was after this death. That person is gone. Whatever you are holding against, it doesn't matter. That old person died too when her child died. |
Anonymous
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OP, as I think you realize, this is not the time for intellectualizing. Your sister and her family lost a child. If you want to support your family at their worst time, try to start working through your own difficult feelings. Let yourself begin grieving, without blaming others (or imagining how others might be blaming your sister—that’s not your concern). This was a loss for you and your child as well. When you visit, just your being there, without judgment, and with appreciation for their child and the depth of their loss, will be a comfort to your sister and family.
At a later time, you also might consider facing some of your own insecurities more deeply. It seems like you’re struggling to manage your emotions and reactions with your origin family. Why not talk to someone helpful about this? Your goal to accept your differences from your initial family is healthy. You deserve to come to a more peaceful place, and that will help ensure your child doesn’t have to carry that emotional legacy for you. It would be a gift to you, your child, and even to your family of origin. I’m so very sorry for your loss. |