Reply to managing negative emotions about grieving relatives

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]As another parent who has lost a child, I will tell you that the impulse to blame the parents is very strong.  The death of a child is horrifying, and people want to distance themselves and reassure themselves that their own perfect parenting protects them.  If they can’t find a reason why the death was your fault then they look for a reason you are a bad parent, so they can continue to believe that fate doesn’t randomly steal the beloved children of good parents.

So, what you are doing is very understandable, but it’s still an impulse you need to resist.  Your sister’s kid didn’t die because his mother didn’t teach his sibling how to properly apologize.  You bringing that up shoes how you are grasping at straws to protect yourself from the ugly reality that children die.

When someone brings it up tell them they are being nasty and shut it down.  Also, recognize that one comment from one of her apparently many kids a year ago is over, and you need to move past it.[/quote]
This is so very true, and it isn’t limited to deaths. Wherever we see misfortune and suffering, many of us have a tendency to judge and condemn. We want to insulate ourselves and believe terrible things can’t happen to us because we control them by being/doing better than…

OP, in my opinion, there are two right things you can do in this situation. The first is to show up with nothing but support for your sister and her grieving family. If anyone says something judgy you say [I’m here to support Sister and her family, and to grieve Nephew. Just repeat that whenever something ugly comes up. Don’t Debate. Don’t argue. Say talk to you later and end the conversation if they don’t stop.

Give your sister what she needs. Many parents really want to talk about their children’s lives, not just rehash the death. Attune yourself to her cues and those of her family. You have said repeatedly that you love your sister. Make that love a verb. Back burner your needs (you can meet them when you go home). Focus on on your sister and her family. Be their safe place. You may never have a great relationship with your sister, but you can do this now.

If you can’t set aside the negative feelings and judgement that you have don’t go now.

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