Husband surprised me and I want to cry (not joyful tears)

[Anonymous]

Men usually have such bad taste. They are so oblivious. I would thank him, but decorate your office exactly how you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a healthy marriage, it's perfectly fine to say, Honey I love your note. You're so sweet and it makes me cry. But just so you know, I'm changing things back to how I had it--it suits me best. Love you! And then he would say, oops, I totally misfired on that didn't I? Ok ok I'm not going to mess with any decor related stuff from now on.

In a not so healthy relationship all bets are off. Keep in mind though that as much as you want to spare his feelings, you also need to be more assertive of your own. Your needs and preferences matter and stifling them over long periods of time can only lead to bottled up resentment.

This. Appreciate the effort, and acknowledge that an attempt was made. Explain why it's a miss. Move on.

Do people really correct gifts in the moment? I cannot imagine someone correcting any other type of gift giver, no matter how wrong they got it. Do your spouses continue to try and do nice unexpected things for you? Go ahead and correct, I guess, he won't do it again. But you are making a choice here - when the opportunity arises again to do something nice and sweet and unexpected, he won't.

(I am the one who asked about your communication disconnect. Still interested to hear what happened).

I am surprised too. If my husband reacted the way posters are telling OP to react after I did what I thought was a nice gesture to show I was proud of him, I would never do anything nice for him again. But he would never lash out at me, accuse me of being controlling and passive aggressive, cry, intentionally not spare my feelings, or demand I stay out of his space…over the wrong colour of garbage can and printer and some wall hooks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a healthy marriage, it's perfectly fine to say, Honey I love your note. You're so sweet and it makes me cry. But just so you know, I'm changing things back to how I had it--it suits me best. Love you! And then he would say, oops, I totally misfired on that didn't I? Ok ok I'm not going to mess with any decor related stuff from now on.

In a not so healthy relationship all bets are off. Keep in mind though that as much as you want to spare his feelings, you also need to be more assertive of your own. Your needs and preferences matter and stifling them over long periods of time can only lead to bottled up resentment.

This. Appreciate the effort, and acknowledge that an attempt was made. Explain why it's a miss. Move on.

Do people really correct gifts in the moment? I cannot imagine someone correcting any other type of gift giver, no matter how wrong they got it. Do your spouses continue to try and do nice unexpected things for you? Go ahead and correct, I guess, he won't do it again. But you are making a choice here - when the opportunity arises again to do something nice and sweet and unexpected, he won't.

(I am the one who asked about your communication disconnect. Still interested to hear what happened).

I am surprised too. If my husband reacted the way posters are telling OP to react after I did what I thought was a nice gesture to show I was proud of him, I would never do anything nice for him again. But he would never lash out at me, accuse me of being controlling and passive aggressive, cry, intentionally not spare my feelings, or demand I stay out of his space…over the wrong colour of garbage can and printer and some wall hooks.

So if you moved the furniture around in his office from the way he had arranged it, and you decorated it with a bunch of hot pink accessories, he wouldn’t be annoyed? And if he was in any way outwardly put out, you would never do anything nice for him again? Ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a controlling husband. He did not want you to have your own space that he did not create. Stop crying and assert yourself.

[Anonymous]

Thank him for being so supportive and then gradually change everything back how it was, lol. Oh I didn’t want to look at an ugly old printer all the time so I got this cabinet that fits it perfectly … oh little Larla needed a trash can for her craft projects so I moved it to her room … oh I like to look out the window (or I don’t, whatever!) so I moved the desk a little … oh the hooks fell off the wall, must have been too rough hanging up my stuff … I mean don’t offer those explanations unless asked but have them at the back of your mind. And he’ll probably never notice anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a healthy marriage, it's perfectly fine to say, Honey I love your note. You're so sweet and it makes me cry. But just so you know, I'm changing things back to how I had it--it suits me best. Love you! And then he would say, oops, I totally misfired on that didn't I? Ok ok I'm not going to mess with any decor related stuff from now on.

In a not so healthy relationship all bets are off. Keep in mind though that as much as you want to spare his feelings, you also need to be more assertive of your own. Your needs and preferences matter and stifling them over long periods of time can only lead to bottled up resentment.

This. Appreciate the effort, and acknowledge that an attempt was made. Explain why it's a miss. Move on.

Do people really correct gifts in the moment? I cannot imagine someone correcting any other type of gift giver, no matter how wrong they got it. Do your spouses continue to try and do nice unexpected things for you? Go ahead and correct, I guess, he won't do it again. But you are making a choice here - when the opportunity arises again to do something nice and sweet and unexpected, he won't.

(I am the one who asked about your communication disconnect. Still interested to hear what happened).

I am surprised too. If my husband reacted the way posters are telling OP to react after I did what I thought was a nice gesture to show I was proud of him, I would never do anything nice for him again. But he would never lash out at me, accuse me of being controlling and passive aggressive, cry, intentionally not spare my feelings, or demand I stay out of his space…over the wrong colour of garbage can and printer and some wall hooks.

I don’t think I’ve seen anyone telling OP to “lash out.” That you can’t imagine a mature conversation between a couple where she acknowledges his effort but also makes clear how important this space is to her is pretty telling.

[Anonymous]

Stay quiet!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a healthy marriage, it's perfectly fine to say, Honey I love your note. You're so sweet and it makes me cry. But just so you know, I'm changing things back to how I had it--it suits me best. Love you! And then he would say, oops, I totally misfired on that didn't I? Ok ok I'm not going to mess with any decor related stuff from now on.

In a not so healthy relationship all bets are off. Keep in mind though that as much as you want to spare his feelings, you also need to be more assertive of your own. Your needs and preferences matter and stifling them over long periods of time can only lead to bottled up resentment.

This. Appreciate the effort, and acknowledge that an attempt was made. Explain why it's a miss. Move on.

Do people really correct gifts in the moment? I cannot imagine someone correcting any other type of gift giver, no matter how wrong they got it. Do your spouses continue to try and do nice unexpected things for you? Go ahead and correct, I guess, he won't do it again. But you are making a choice here - when the opportunity arises again to do something nice and sweet and unexpected, he won't.

(I am the one who asked about your communication disconnect. Still interested to hear what happened).

I am surprised too. If my husband reacted the way posters are telling OP to react after I did what I thought was a nice gesture to show I was proud of him, I would never do anything nice for him again. But he would never lash out at me, accuse me of being controlling and passive aggressive, cry, intentionally not spare my feelings, or demand I stay out of his space…over the wrong colour of garbage can and printer and some wall hooks.

You don't get it because your relationship is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay quiet!!!!!

Stay sweet!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a healthy marriage, it's perfectly fine to say, Honey I love your note. You're so sweet and it makes me cry. But just so you know, I'm changing things back to how I had it--it suits me best. Love you! And then he would say, oops, I totally misfired on that didn't I? Ok ok I'm not going to mess with any decor related stuff from now on.

In a not so healthy relationship all bets are off. Keep in mind though that as much as you want to spare his feelings, you also need to be more assertive of your own. Your needs and preferences matter and stifling them over long periods of time can only lead to bottled up resentment.

This. Appreciate the effort, and acknowledge that an attempt was made. Explain why it's a miss. Move on.

Do people really correct gifts in the moment? I cannot imagine someone correcting any other type of gift giver, no matter how wrong they got it. Do your spouses continue to try and do nice unexpected things for you? Go ahead and correct, I guess, he won't do it again. But you are making a choice here - when the opportunity arises again to do something nice and sweet and unexpected, he won't.

(I am the one who asked about your communication disconnect. Still interested to hear what happened).

I am surprised too. If my husband reacted the way posters are telling OP to react after I did what I thought was a nice gesture to show I was proud of him, I would never do anything nice for him again. But he would never lash out at me, accuse me of being controlling and passive aggressive, cry, intentionally not spare my feelings, or demand I stay out of his space…over the wrong colour of garbage can and printer and some wall hooks.

You don't get it because your relationship is different.

OP has barely told us about their relationship so we don't actually know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a healthy marriage, it's perfectly fine to say, Honey I love your note. You're so sweet and it makes me cry. But just so you know, I'm changing things back to how I had it--it suits me best. Love you! And then he would say, oops, I totally misfired on that didn't I? Ok ok I'm not going to mess with any decor related stuff from now on.

In a not so healthy relationship all bets are off. Keep in mind though that as much as you want to spare his feelings, you also need to be more assertive of your own. Your needs and preferences matter and stifling them over long periods of time can only lead to bottled up resentment.

This. Appreciate the effort, and acknowledge that an attempt was made. Explain why it's a miss. Move on.

Do people really correct gifts in the moment? I cannot imagine someone correcting any other type of gift giver, no matter how wrong they got it. Do your spouses continue to try and do nice unexpected things for you? Go ahead and correct, I guess, he won't do it again. But you are making a choice here - when the opportunity arises again to do something nice and sweet and unexpected, he won't.

(I am the one who asked about your communication disconnect. Still interested to hear what happened).

I am surprised too. If my husband reacted the way posters are telling OP to react after I did what I thought was a nice gesture to show I was proud of him, I would never do anything nice for him again. But he would never lash out at me, accuse me of being controlling and passive aggressive, cry, intentionally not spare my feelings, or demand I stay out of his space…over the wrong colour of garbage can and printer and some wall hooks.

So if you moved the furniture around in his office from the way he had arranged it, and you decorated it with a bunch of hot pink accessories, he wouldn’t be annoyed? And if he was in any way outwardly put out, you would never do anything nice for him again? Ok.

Many women own tons of black products. That is a bizarre stance that black is for men and pink is for women. And if as a kind gesture and gift, I put a beige garbage can and printer and hooks in his office with a sweet note to celebrate a job success he had - he would not react with annoyance and tears and disappointment. And if he did lash out at me, I wouldn't do nice things for him again.

In the moment he would be appreciate and thankful for the gesture. He might later change it out or tell me he was going for an all black look but he wouldn't complain or be irritated or angry or emotionally reactive in the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many of you have unhappy marriages to interpret this as retaliation, control, passive aggressive.


I have often gone out and gotten a few things for people to celebrate something. They might not have been the exact perfect gift but the gestures have been appreciated as an I am thinking of you and wanted to show you I care. No one in my life responds with negativity about it not being exactly what they wanted.

So you have a different situation from OP. Next.

[Anonymous]

I'd be upset too OP. It's your space. Why did he think it was okay to change it. I'd tell him thanks for the thought, but I want it my way and would appreciate it if you didn't do anything to my space unless I ask for help, if that doesn't go over well, you have bigger problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a healthy marriage, it's perfectly fine to say, Honey I love your note. You're so sweet and it makes me cry. But just so you know, I'm changing things back to how I had it--it suits me best. Love you! And then he would say, oops, I totally misfired on that didn't I? Ok ok I'm not going to mess with any decor related stuff from now on.

In a not so healthy relationship all bets are off. Keep in mind though that as much as you want to spare his feelings, you also need to be more assertive of your own. Your needs and preferences matter and stifling them over long periods of time can only lead to bottled up resentment.

Yeah OP, this post nails it. Can you not just tell your husband "I love you, and love that you did this for me - but it is not quite the style I had in mind"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a healthy marriage, it's perfectly fine to say, Honey I love your note. You're so sweet and it makes me cry. But just so you know, I'm changing things back to how I had it--it suits me best. Love you! And then he would say, oops, I totally misfired on that didn't I? Ok ok I'm not going to mess with any decor related stuff from now on.

In a not so healthy relationship all bets are off. Keep in mind though that as much as you want to spare his feelings, you also need to be more assertive of your own. Your needs and preferences matter and stifling them over long periods of time can only lead to bottled up resentment.

This. Appreciate the effort, and acknowledge that an attempt was made. Explain why it's a miss. Move on.

Do people really correct gifts in the moment? I cannot imagine someone correcting any other type of gift giver, no matter how wrong they got it. Do your spouses continue to try and do nice unexpected things for you? Go ahead and correct, I guess, he won't do it again. But you are making a choice here - when the opportunity arises again to do something nice and sweet and unexpected, he won't.

(I am the one who asked about your communication disconnect. Still interested to hear what happened).

I am surprised too. If my husband reacted the way posters are telling OP to react after I did what I thought was a nice gesture to show I was proud of him, I would never do anything nice for him again. But he would never lash out at me, accuse me of being controlling and passive aggressive, cry, intentionally not spare my feelings, or demand I stay out of his space…over the wrong colour of garbage can and printer and some wall hooks.

You don't get it because your relationship is different.

OP has barely told us about their relationship so we don't actually know.

We know that he didn't pay attention to her efforts to define the space for herself. That he didn't think to ask her if his changes would work for her and, yet, expects her to be happy because he did it. Total disconnect. OP, were you treated like this in your family of origin? Your reaction, crying instead of asserting yourself, would indicate this is not a new dynamic in your life.