IL visits: Christmas then birth
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Anonymous
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I get along fine with my in-laws; in fact, I'm their "easy" DIL because my SIL's wife is labeled the "difficult" one. However, my MIL is admittedly high-strung/restless/nosy and my FIL is constantly trying to "fix" things that are working just fine. (Like suggesting new ways for us to take out our trash, for example...when there are no problems on this or any other front!) I am glad they visit and am glad they spend time with my toddler, but SHORT visits work because the whole dynamic is stressful for both my husband and for me.
This Christmas, we must host even though I'm going to be DAYS away from giving birth because I can't travel. We're having my husbands parents, 20-year old cousin and 60-year-old aunt stay with us for three days. The cousin and aunt are absolutely fine and I have no concerns about their visits. With my in-laws, it's going to be trying, but I can do a short visit...even though I'll be really physically uncomfortable/tired. Here's the catch: My c-section is scheduled for December 31. My parents won't be visiting until mid-January. My husband's parents *insist* on being around for the birth. (Even though my local aunt AND My local cousin--who live just moments from us--are more than happy to watch my toddler and take her to and from the hospital to visit every day.) Is it wrong for me to want them to depart on Dec. 26, drive 3.5 hours back to their home, and come back again on the morning of the 31st? I truly, honestly don't think I can handle having them stay from the 23rd through an indefinite period of time after I come home from the hospital. I'll just be too stressed out, mentally and physically, and I may snap! I haven't brought up my plans yet, and want to see if other people think it's reasonable to ask them to depart after Christmas and return on NYE. (After all, they insist on being here for the birth even though it truly isn't that "helpful" for them to do so as other local family are on board to help us with our toddler at that time.) I want them to visit both for Christmas and to see the new baby, just not ALL the time ALL at once! |
Anonymous
| Just say you want to savor the last few quiet days as a 3some before the new one comes. Whether or not they understand or decide to take offense it's a valid reason no one else will judge you for. |
Anonymous
| I would make them go. 3.5 hours isn't really that far, and they're the ones who want to come back. It's not like all this traveling was your idea. |
Anonymous
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How about they come up when you get out of the hospital? Like January 1 or 2?
But yep, tell them to go home. You want your own last good memories of being a family of 3. |
Anonymous
| Just tell them no. |
Anonymous
| They are welcome to book a hotel or try to talk one of the other locals into putting them up for a week in between, but it is totally reasonable that you want to enjoy the last week before becoming a family of four. |
Anonymous
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No problem. What are your concerns, exactly, about asking them to go home? 3 5 hours isn't a long drive, why would they mind?
I totally agree with pp, just let them know you'd like to have the week to yourselves. And also it could be better for the toddler to have that security of just the three of you before the new baby comes. |
Anonymous
| Just let them know that you need that time to decompress from the Holidays before having the baby - AS IF ... |
Anonymous
OP here. Thank you all for your responses. Usually, yes, I am very straightforward about this kind of thing. But my ILs (particularly MIL) have in the past been unpredictable about boundaries. Sometimes, they go with the flow, and totally understand reasonable requests. At other times, the littlest things will offend them. I do my best to be thoughtful and considerate, but sometimes, even the best-intended plans go awry and they get offended. That's why I wanted some objective advice here about whether or not this was a reasonable request. If everyone had told me I was being ridiculous, I would have had a lot more to think about. But since it sounds like an OK plan, with good reasoning, I will be comfortable setting the boundary and letting them deal with their own feelings if they do get offended. |
Anonymous
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Not wrong at all!
In fact, you really could bow out of hosting Christmas too--or shorten it! (Blame your OB, saying you need to slow down and rest.) And for heaven's sake, there's no "insisting" that they be there for the birth. That's up to you and DH. *Tell* them that you'd much prefer they come for a brief visit the day after surgery (if that's ok with you) or whenever. If your parents aren't coming until mid-January, they have no place to be difficult about it--if you'd rather they come after you've settled at home for a couple days, that's fine too! Do what is right for you and DH within the bounds of common decency. And the bounds of common decency cover a lot of ground. 
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Anonymous
| You're a better woman than me, OP. I'd put the kibosh on hosting Xmas (seriously it's fine to not get together one year!!) and I'd definitely say hell no to visitors when I'm about to or just had major surgery and am dealing with hormone changes and sleep deprivation on top of caring for a newborn and helping a toddler adjust to new dynamics. Tell them what YOU need and want and don't let them pressure or guilt you into anything else. This isn't about them. |
Anonymous
| OP do you want to celebrate Christmas with them? What about just celebrating it with your own family this year? I can't imagine hosting Christmas at 9 months pregnant. |
Anonymous
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Believe me, I'd prefer a just-us Christmas, but this is my version of "giving as much as I can" to keep my husband happy, too. (I'm way more comfortable saying no and setting boundaries than he is, even though he probably would actually prefer a quiet holiday, too.) He wants to celebrate with them, he says.
It's not my family's "turn" for Christmas, and my fam is so big that there is no way to have both families. My parents are so flexible and chill, it almost makes it worse for me...I'm constantly wishing my in-laws were more like my parents, even thought I know that's not fair. My parents do visit a lot, they just are fine with waiting until the right time to do so. |
Anonymous
| Your husband needs to grow some boundaries. With two kids, he's going to need to take a harder line. |
Anonymous
Truly, if I COULDN'T host Christmas, I wouldn't and he'd understand and back me up. But this is "giving as much as I can," I am just trying to make sure that I'm being reasonable by asking them to leave/drive home/return. The reason why I'm comfortable-ish with them returning for the birth is that I will definitely be in the hospital for 2-3 days, and they are leaving the day after I get home. So I'll only be around them for one day after the baby comes. I'm OK with Christmas/leave/return, to a degree. If things start going south, we can rework the plans, and my husband will back me up. |