Divorce etiquette. What happens to former bil?

[Anonymous]

My sister left her husband of 10 years for an affair with a friends husband. They moved in with each other about 3 weeks into the ordeal without any seperation papers being filed on either part. I love my BIL but I was not married to him. He was a sh*t husband, so I understand the divorce. But not the affair. Both the ex wife of the other man and my former BIL are understandably angry so there has been a lot of threats, yelling, just uncomfortable all around. I haven't spoken to BIL since this began because I tried to stay out of it.

His birthday was today and I texted him and said DH and I missed him. He was our best friend. DH is going crazy without his buddy. We did everything with them. He asked if we could get dinner soon and I said sure. But when I told my sister she got really angry and said it was disrespectful to her and her new partner that we would entertain him during such a tragic event. We are their children's god parents and he has been a part of our lives for 10 years as well. I am torn. Do I just avoid BIL? Or stay neutral? My parents have him over all the time and even took him to the beach with the kids. It is a strange situation for sure.

[Anonymous]

I think you just need to forget about BIL. Even though your sister is acting shitty, she's family and you need to be on her side.

[Anonymous]

Your sister is the disrespectful one.

[Anonymous]

Remind your sister that she created all this uncomfortable terrain that the entire family is trying to now navigate. You love her but she must respect your need to manage YOUR relationships, including the one with her soon to be ex-husband who has been a big part of your life for a decade. She needs to show a bit more understanding about what she is leaving in her wake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But when I told my sister she got really angry and said it was disrespectful to her and her new partner that we would entertain him during such a tragic event.

Why would you tell your sister?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remind your sister that she created all this uncomfortable terrain that the entire family is trying to now navigate. You love her but she must respect your need to manage YOUR relationships, including the one with her soon to be ex-husband who has been a big part of your life for a decade. She needs to show a bit more understanding about what she is leaving in her wake.

Agreed. And your sister is a dick and you owe her nothing for her pathetic behavior.

[Anonymous]

I think the only circumstance in which you would need to cut ex-BIL out of your life is if your sister was scared of him. I would set some ground rules-no trash talking of your sister around you, and I wouldn't lie to your sister about seeing BIL, but I would omit.

[Anonymous]

Tragic event?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tragic event?

I noticed that too.

Also, she's ok with your parents hanging out with him but not you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remind your sister that she created all this uncomfortable terrain that the entire family is trying to now navigate. You love her but she must respect your need to manage YOUR relationships, including the one with her soon to be ex-husband who has been a big part of your life for a decade. She needs to show a bit more understanding about what she is leaving in her wake.

This. It's crazy to cut him off, he is the father of your nieces/nephews. Your sister will learn to deal and, eventually, she may be appreciate that you maintained a civil relationship with him.
This also means you will probably have to spend some time with her and her new boyfriend. Uncomfortable for sure, but prepare for it.

[Anonymous]

He was a sh*t husband ... He was our best friend

For yourself, work on establishing and maintaining healthy relationships, not "etiquette"

[Anonymous]

"Disrespectful to her and her new partner" what a joke!

[Anonymous]

You said he was a sh*t husband and he's been yelling and threatening? Yes, affairs are wrong but . . . he sounds terrible.

[Anonymous]

Your sister cheated on him. That was crappy. I'd go out for the kids sake and his sake. You didn't divorce him, she did. He should not be punished for her poor choices.

[Anonymous]

I wanted to clarify the sh*t husband comment. He worked constantly, and was able to give my sister the home and life of her dreams. She didn't have to work and she had a team of nanny's, house keepers, etc. But he didn't really like being married (to her?) Maybe. He spent a lot of time checked out of their marriage, opting to not really give her any personal time, if we had something planned he was all for it. But if she asked for a date night, there was no way it was happening. I think had he been more involved in her, she might still be with him. But who knows. She also lost weight for the first time in her life and was getting a lot of attention from other men. I think she checked out a long time ago too. I wouldnt want to be married to him but as a friend, he was the best. And not threatening her personal safety just she's not gonna get any support from him, she's requesting $4200 per month to take care of the kids, and she can't have the new car or the house.