If there is anyone who is trans* here I could use some advice.

[Anonymous]

Maybe this isn't the best place to ask, but I don't know where else to go.

I was at a birthday party last week and met a really nice lady, we really hit it off. Later my friend whose party it was came over and asked her about her transition and they started chatting about it. My jaw dropped for a moment and I almost said "Wow, I had no idea." but of course didn't because I didn't know if it was rude or not. In my mind I was thinking "holy shit you look amazing and I would have had no idea had I not been told."

I talked to my friend about it later and he (a gay male btw - so he may or may not get it I don't know) said she would have been really flattered and I should have said something, but I am not so sure. Would it have been rude? She and I are going to have lunch soon, we both share the same hobby. If we do become friends like I hope we do, would it be okay to tell her? Or is that hurtful and taboo?

I am trying to navigate new territory here, please be kind. Also I don't care if you think people who are transgender are weirdos or whatever, I like my new friend.

[Anonymous]

Best not to have said anything then.
If she wants to talk about it she will make references to her transition during your conversation. Perhaps then u can offer up an " oh girl you look great!" or something similar.

[Anonymous]

Yes, agree with first PP. Best to follow her lead/cues. And of course, complement! But I wouldn't frame the complements in a "I can't even tell that you're transgender!" way - rather, complement her like you'd complement any girlfriend ("your hair looks great!" "I love that lip colour") Unless, of course, she references something in a way that makes it clear it is okay to openly discuss/acknowledge - then maybe you can acknowledge how great her boobs look

[Anonymous]

I'm not trans, but a good friend is.

Honestly, it really depends on the person. When my friend was transitioning, they would have been really excited to hear someone say "You're doin it great!" particularly if that person was someone they admired. But I don't know that they would have appreciated if a person they'd only just met had come out and said something like that, without context.

If you and this lady find yourselves talking about appearance and/or transition, which may or may not happen, it would be in context to compliment her in the same way you would compliment another friend who made a dramatic change to his/her appearance. I recently got a major haircut, for example, and I've had a lot of people tell me sincerely that it looks really great and ask who my stylist is. If there is something in particular that you admire about this woman, you could phrase it that way.

I have found that a good rule of thumb would be to ask yourself if this is something that you would comment on with a cisgender person. If not, then it's probably best to leave it alone.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to be as honest as possible. Don't avoid it. It's not a secret since the mutual friend asked her in front of you, so don't treat it like one. But don't harp on it either. Follow her lead when it comes to talking about it.

[Anonymous]

OP, what's your hobby?

[Anonymous]

Say nothing. One of the cardinal rules in treating a transgender is (a) to let them take the lead and (b) not to impose society's views of femininity (or masculinity, in the case of female to male) on them. Saying "you're doing it great!" does exactly that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say nothing. One of the cardinal rules in treating a transgender is (a) to let them take the lead and (b) not to impose society's views of femininity (or masculinity, in the case of female to male) on them. Saying "you're doing it great!" does exactly that.

NP here. It's a lot of pressure to be constantly worried about saying the wrong thing. I consider myself very open minded and have no problem with LGBT people, but why can't I just talk to them the way I'd talk to anyone else? If I'm constantly worrying I said the ring thing it's going to b hard to strike up a real friendship. That's true with straight people too.

[Anonymous]

I wouldnt say anything. I think you should treat them like you would any other female, since that's the gender they identify with, maybe without mentioning periods or other things they havent experienced.

Just like you wouldnt say to a woman, "You look fantastic for someone who is _____(fill in the blank", without it coming off like a backhanded insult, I wouldnt say it to a trans person.

You can compliment them, but dont qualify it. A simple, "You look fantastic in that dress. You have the most killer legs" or something, is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say nothing. One of the cardinal rules in treating a transgender is (a) to let them take the lead and (b) not to impose society's views of femininity (or masculinity, in the case of female to male) on them. Saying "you're doing it great!" does exactly that.

NP here. It's a lot of pressure to be constantly worried about saying the wrong thing. I consider myself very open minded and have no problem with LGBT people, but why can't I just talk to them the way I'd talk to anyone else? If I'm constantly worrying I said the ring thing it's going to b hard to strike up a real friendship. That's true with straight people too.

So much this. I am open, live and let live but it is seriously off-putting to have to walk on eggshells and get admonished or "schooled" if you say something "wrong". I'm not the enemy, channel that elsewhere.

[jsteele]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say nothing. One of the cardinal rules in treating a transgender is (a) to let them take the lead and (b) not to impose society's views of femininity (or masculinity, in the case of female to male) on them. Saying "you're doing it great!" does exactly that.

NP here. It's a lot of pressure to be constantly worried about saying the wrong thing. I consider myself very open minded and have no problem with LGBT people, but why can't I just talk to them the way I'd talk to anyone else? If I'm constantly worrying I said the ring thing it's going to b hard to strike up a real friendship. That's true with straight people too.

So much this. I am open, live and let live but it is seriously off-putting to have to walk on eggshells and get admonished or "schooled" if you say something "wrong". I'm not the enemy, channel that elsewhere.

You folks are kind of defensive aren't you? "Treat her like you would any other women" doesn't seem like a particularly difficult burden to bear.

[Anonymous]

Go to Reddit and find a Trans subreddit to ask your question. Better users there for this kind of thing, for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what's your hobby?

haha, it is a fussy old lady hobby... I like to embroider, crochet and knit. She is getting very into knitting.

Thank you all for the advice. I am glad I caught myself, while I would not have meant it in a harmful way I can see how it might have been hurtful to say something that could have been interpreted as "I had no idea you were once male." The advice to treat her like I would any other girlfriend is perfect, because thats what she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go to Reddit and find a Trans subreddit to ask your question. Better users there for this kind of thing, for sure.

I actually considered this, but was worried I almost said something really offensive and thought anonymous would be better.

[Anonymous]

Have trans friends. They would all be THRILLED if someone told them that they looked like a biological female (not in those words, of course).