Finding common ground with in laws

[Anonymous]

I don't have too much in common with my MIL but I like her a lot and we're very friendly. She's from a small town, poor working class parents and I'm from a bigger city with UMC parents. Sometimes I just don't know what to say, I feel like everything we do is dissimilar to them. We're traveling (they don't), working office jobs (they work in service jobs), redoing our house (they think we should be happy with never updating), relaxing on weekends (they work every weekend) etc. This might sound stupid, but it's just so tiring trying to watch what I say and trying not be myself. When I am myself, they think I'm out of touch with reality and don't understand them. Which is true, but I'm trying to be their friend. I even notice that I dress differently around them. I notice that DH (who thinks identically to me) downplays things around them too, especially the costs of things.

For instance, at a baby shower I gifted a bunch of my favorite baby books. One of them was a book from the 1950s that was my dad's favorite. I mentioned it to MIL and she said that her parents wouldn't have had time to read a book to their kids. Or when we traveled to England, they told us it's not safe overseas.

These are people I see monthly, but I just feel like whatever I say or do it's just not good enough. I'm sure they feel the same way.

Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Stop trying so hard. Be friendly, sincerely ask them about their interests, and let the chips fall where they may.

[Anonymous]

Your in laws are like my family and my in laws. I've found that the best thing to do is keep your mouth shut. Their lives are very hard compared to ours. We are privileged and they are not so don't throw it in their face no matter how well meaning you mean to be. They can't travel so don't talk about yours. They don't have time or money for all of the special things we do for our kids so keep things to yourself. Find interests with them - food (but don't talk about nice restaurants), movies, TV, etc. get recipes from your MIL. Find out their holiday traditions and get her to teach you so you can incorporate them.

[Anonymous]

When I am myself, they think I'm out of touch with reality and don't understand them

Don't project.

They don't have the same experience and they mention it - like, "parents wouldn't have had time to read a book to their kids". They are stating a fact. Just view it as such, that's all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

When I am myself, they think I'm out of touch with reality and don't understand them

Don't project.

They don't have the same experience and they mention it - like, "parents wouldn't have had time to read a book to their kids". They are stating a fact. Just view it as such, that's all.

OP here. Well what do you say to that? "I'm sorry?" All I wanted to know was "why?" If it was my family, I would have asked and we would have discussed it, but they're closed mouthed about so many things.

We've been married for 5 years and I've known them years before that too. I often keep my mouth shut. But they think I'm quiet and bitchy because of it. Whereas I'm actually very outgoing with lots of friends. We don't watch TV (no time) and they don't understand the things we really do enjoy.

I actively dread visiting because I feel like a different person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When I am myself, they think I'm out of touch with reality and don't understand them

Don't project.

They don't have the same experience and they mention it - like, "parents wouldn't have had time to read a book to their kids". They are stating a fact. Just view it as such, that's all.

OP here. Well what do you say to that? "I'm sorry?" All I wanted to know was "why?" If it was my family, I would have asked and we would have discussed it, but they're closed mouthed about so many things.

We've been married for 5 years and I've known them years before that too. I often keep my mouth shut. But they think I'm quiet and bitchy because of it. Whereas I'm actually very outgoing with lots of friends. We don't watch TV (no time) and they don't understand the things we really do enjoy.

I actively dread visiting because I feel like a different person.

I would say something like: Wow, sounds like they really had it rough. (if they want to add more detail, they can or that can be the end of that topic). Or, you can say something like: Oh, really? What kinds of things did they like to do when they had time? although that is a direct question so if they don't like to share (maybe it was a difficult time period or that is their personality, then it could be harder for them.) I would try to to go with a response that acknowledges their experiences and allows further conversation if desired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When I am myself, they think I'm out of touch with reality and don't understand them

Don't project.

They don't have the same experience and they mention it - like, "parents wouldn't have had time to read a book to their kids". They are stating a fact. Just view it as such, that's all.

OP here. Well what do you say to that? "I'm sorry?" All I wanted to know was "why?" If it was my family, I would have asked and we would have discussed it, but they're closed mouthed about so many things.

We've been married for 5 years and I've known them years before that too. I often keep my mouth shut. But they think I'm quiet and bitchy because of it. Whereas I'm actually very outgoing with lots of friends. We don't watch TV (no time) and they don't understand the things we really do enjoy.

I actively dread visiting because I feel like a different person.

I would say something like: Wow, sounds like they really had it rough. (if they want to add more detail, they can or that can be the end of that topic). Or, you can say something like: Oh, really? What kinds of things did they like to do when they had time? although that is a direct question so if they don't like to share (maybe it was a difficult time period or that is their personality, then it could be harder for them.) I would try to to go with a response that acknowledges their experiences and allows further conversation if desired.

I'm PP, but I am also wondering how you know this to be true? Does your husband tell you? Or are you assuming? If it's your husband, he should know that he does noone any favors by passing along opinions like that and if it is you, you might want to examine your assumptions and figure out if you could possibly be projecting or misinterpreting. But you know what? If you are yourself and they don't like, it would be ok.

[Anonymous]

they think I'm quiet and bitchy

They have said, "You are quiet and bitchy"
I don't think so
You are projecting again

Your life will be so much happier if you stop this way of thinking. Don't exaggerate fault.

[Anonymous]

Every third visit, send DH with the kids and use that as time for yourself. I bet you'll handle the other visits better!

[Anonymous]

Don't talk about yourself if you can help it. Talk, but ask them questions. Ask about every random relative or friend you can think of. Comment on current events (if you can without a fight) and the weather. Talk about their lawn. Talk about their favorite places to eat (not yours, don't mention the places you like).

My MIL has made comments that she think my DH and I act "superior" to them. They are annoyed we won't take their horrific financial advice, like live beyond your means on credit cards. But really it comes down to insecurity. She wants us to really NEED her and her advice, but it's pretty clear we are doing much better than they are without her (terrible) advice. So she's ragingly insecure. I solve this by not talking about our choices at all if I can help it. We talk about just about anything else and since she doesn't care to ask me many questions about myself, she knows very little about me. Oh well, that's her loss.

[Anonymous]

I'm on the opposite side. Didn't come from as much privilege as ILs. They talk endlessly about their very expensive world travels. I'm the quiet one.

[Anonymous]

I could have written this post. DH and I have 6 degrees between us - his parents work service jobs and struggle in many ways. As another PP said, it leads to a TON of insecurity on their part. MIL is chronically feeling inadequate around pretty much everyone in her life. I do agree with other PPs though - don't project, and don't borrow responsibility for their insecurity or comments. When you spend time with them just try to talk about neutral topics and let it go. I know that for me, I've just accepted that we have nothing in common and don't let it bother me. That said, I also refuse not to be myself, and I don't think you should pretend to be someone else either. I'm not going to spend entire visits watching football and talking about how terrible minorities are - I bring a book and take every opportunity to discuss neutral topics, including the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't talk about yourself if you can help it. Talk, but ask them questions. Ask about every random relative or friend you can think of. Comment on current events (if you can without a fight) and the weather. Talk about their lawn. Talk about their favorite places to eat (not yours, don't mention the places you like).

My MIL has made comments that she think my DH and I act "superior" to them. They are annoyed we won't take their horrific financial advice, like live beyond your means on credit cards. But really it comes down to insecurity. She wants us to really NEED her and her advice, but it's pretty clear we are doing much better than they are without her (terrible) advice. So she's ragingly insecure. I solve this by not talking about our choices at all if I can help it. We talk about just about anything else and since she doesn't care to ask me many questions about myself, she knows very little about me. Oh well, that's her loss.

This.

But also, try to find what few things that you do share and talk about that. With one relative that I don't share much in common, we do both enjoy cooking, so I try to look out for recipes that she might like and when we see each other, we talk about cooking. I'll say things like "I found a new cobbler recipe that I think you'll like." or "I just read this great tip on how to X". My wife and mother often talk about our kids, since Mom doesn't live too close and does like to hear about what they're doing when she doesn't see them more than 2-3 times a year.

In general, while it is work, I have maintained several friendships by slowly getting to know them and then trying to learn a little bit about things important to them each time before I see them. It's helpful with people you have to have a relationship with (like your in-laws) that you don't know much about. So, ask her about her job, what she does when she has a little spare time, and try to be at least mildly conversant on those topics. Google is your friend to help you do a little research on any topic the night before you see someone.

[Anonymous]

I also censored myself around in-laws but for other reasons. Years of watching what you say and wondering if you said the right thing got real old. When you can't be yourself, you don't want to be around them. My husband noticed and kept accusing me of not liking his family and never wanting to see them. When in reality, it was ME I didn't like.

So drop the act. Be yourself. If they don't like the real you, that's their problem since you are married to their son.

[Anonymous]

My MIl is good at cooking and cleaning.

I ask her about recipes, ask if I can copy some (sometimes she won't share... Secret recipe), she shows me how to make things. She teaches my kids how to cook.

Also she can get a spot out of everything. My kids will bring her a shirt when she visits and say, my mom can't get the spot out can you... And she does. She use to make comments about ... You just need to put a little elbow freeze into it, etc. I don't take it personally.

Hey, I took her son from her, she needs to have wins somewhere.

When people come over and she is there I say,I could ever make food this good, yea my MIL made this it's delicious, etc.

The key is to actually find something she is better at, I am not being condescending.

Also, I don't really understand not being able to relate to people because they are different. They are small town, big deal. People are people. Do you have problems relating to other people that are different than you?