Teen Son and Weight Insecurity
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Anonymous
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My 15 YO DS is not a skinny kid by any means, he is 5 foot 8 and 173 pounds, and has always tracked as overweight/chubby since he was around 8. We have talked with him, offered him gym memberships and our help if he wants to get more fit, but never really pushed him to lose weight.
He's also always been active, playing sports recreationally and he was never a couch potato, nor did he eat poorly. The odd fast food meal here and there ad ormal sacking, and we have been very open about healthy foods/eating well. We sit down for dier every day, always plenty of veggies and fruits, generally meat grilled or baked with veggies of sort sort and water/milk. The point is that it really isn't his diet so much as genetics. His father is very similar - broadly built with a bit of a belly but generally healthy and in good shape. Anyway, recently his insecurity about his weight has gotten worse (he always has been a bit insecure about his weight, it doesn't help that he has a (non-identical) twin brother who is built a bit smaller, he has always made a passing remark here and there about it, especially when the brother will joke, mostly well meaning, about it). But on Thursday we decided to take advantage of the fact that their private school doesn't start until a week after DCPS and take the family to the beech, and he has made the trip pretty unbearable. He used to love the beach and swimming in the waves, etc. We would go to the beach and me and DH would be actually peeved because all the kids wanted to do was stay at the beach sunrise to sunset. But this year he has refused to go to the beach at all. on Thursday it was just that he was tired from the car ride and wanted to settle in, but today he flipped out when we suggested going to the beach saying that he didn't want to take off his shirt and show everyone on the beach that he was fat, saying that if we didn't "fatten him up" he wouldn't have to not go ad lashed out at us. Being reasonable people we pointed out he could just wear his shirt to swim, or hang out with us on the shore and maybe wade a bit, to which he said that, "Only fatasses wear their shirt to swim so it would be just the same." And locked himself int his room at the house we rented. Because the other kids (twin and 12 YO DS) wanted to go, we told him we would go to the beach and left him $20 and a note saying to go to the movies or get ice cream, or something and to call us if he changed his mind and we would come and pick him up (Beach is a car ride away). We got back a few hours later and he was still in his room. When he got out he got pissed at us and said that the note was awful and all we wanted was for him to go spend $20 on ice cream so we could all come home and continue to make him feel fat and left out (As a note, in retrospect the ice cream comment might have been overboard, but I put it on there as buying ice cream is normally a treat reserved for special occasions in our house, and going to the nice ice cream shop is a family tradition at the beach). I'm just surprised, he's never been this vocal about his weight. He's mentioned a few times that he might be interested in losing a bit of weight - and we have encouraged him to do so if he wants and tried to help him - but he never follows through on it/always decides its not worth it after a day or two. If this keeps up I can see this beach trip being pretty painful and argumentative, he's already lashed out at his twi when his twin told him that nobody gave a shit if he wore a shirt or not and most people wouldn't even notice he was fat, and I swear he almost slapped his younger brother after DS12 commented that, "Most people at the beach are even fatter then you" (Yes, I will have to find a punishment for that comment as well). I just don't know how to handle it, you might not believe me but this all came out of nowhere ad I have to assume that it is stemming from something, I just can't think of what. Please help! |
Anonymous
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Just because a kid isn't talking about something doesn't mean they're not thinking about it. Apologize for the ice cream comment.
Work with him on portion control. Go do things like mini golf, that don't involve taking off clothes. |
Anonymous
OP here I have (tried) to apologized about that comment. It wasn't mean spirited, I just thought maybe a treat would cheer him up. We definitely have talked about portion control most of his life. Making sure to know how much is a portion, being willing to box up or toss, if that's not possible) excess food, etc... With all of our kids. Definitely will plan on other activities, but obviously the other kids want the beach at least once a day. For now me ad DH will just have to split up a bit more. Also will talk to his twin, DS might confide in him things I wouldn't know. Just seems like a dramatic shift as even four days ago DS was looking forward to the beach and he has spent a good chunk of the summer at the pool with friends, no problems. That's what is most worrying to me, the dramtic shifting of emotions but I guess that is teenage life, so to speak. |
Anonymous
| 5'8 and 173 lbs is not fat. Is he proportionate? |
Anonymous
| Now help him lose some weight. It clearly matters to him. |
Anonymous
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Food treats for emotional pain is a bad idea.
But my guess on this situation - a girl he liked either told him directly he was fat or he over heard her telling someone about guys wearing shirts at the beach being fat. He know of course extrapolates bad believes everyone believes this. |
Anonymous
| OP I have a big 9 yo who is on track to be as big as you son in 5/6 years, but he started being self conscious about going to the pool/beach this summer.. Are you sure it never bothered him before this vacation? We also have a skinny son and he knows not to make any comment on his brother's weight. But I understand they're teenagers so it's a totally different situation. |
Anonymous
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You know, I always ran a bit overweight like that. I'm female, so it's a bit different. But there is a lot of pressure on men these days to have that buff body, too. For all you know he was crushing on a girl or something, and she picked another guy, maybe one who was built nicer. May have nothing to do with looks, but teens see what they want to see.
He's old enough now he could get a personal trainer at a gym and learn more about fitness and nutrition. Adding some muscle will help burn those calories more efficiently. But if you go this route, choose a gym/trainer wisely. Not some obsessed weirdo, but someone who is really focused on overall health and nutrition, in a way that's appropriate for a teen. It's only a hunch, but if you see ice cream as a treat/reward for being down, that could be a big part of the problem. Food shouldn't be a reward. That's setting someone with weight issues up for lifetime failure. |
Anonymous
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Do you reward your kids with food (back to the "ice cream is a treat" comment)? My son was always the fat kid until puberty and now he's quite skinny. But he always wore a swim shirt at the pool or beach. Even though it's a tight shirt, psychologically it helped his self esteem knowing the fat was "hidden".
You need to stop allowing his twin or anyone in your control (other family members) make comments or tease the poor kid about his weight. He sounds very depressed about the situation and is probably not looking forward to starting school. If he's interested, he could get a gym membership. Does he play any sports at school? |
Anonymous
| Get him a rash guard quick for this vacation. They seel them at a lot of beach stores. Also good for anti-sun so you can use that as the reason. But get them for ALL kids. |
Anonymous
| He's 10 pounds overweight by BMI standards. Not serious but it must not get any worse. If he is REALLY concerned, he can count calories. 2000 a day, average. 100 grams of protein a day minimum. 100% of calcium minimum daily requirement. He'll lose weight. Take a multivitamin. Try to move each day, at least walking. One you get down, you can start adding calories. to maintain. |
Anonymous
Yes it is. Not horribly so but it is in the overweight part of the bmi charts. |
Anonymous
| First of all, he's 15 so welcome to Moodyville. Anything you say can and will be taken as a personal insult. At least he lets you know what's bugging him the most. He is also going to refute any advice you give him about his weight simply because you're his mother. Since you belong to a gym, see if they have a nutritionist that he can talk to about sticking to a plan. Maybe you can splurge on some personal trainer sessions as well, if he'll agree. |
Anonymous
shut up. |
Anonymous
I agree with this. But I think finding something he may like instead of the gym would work too. What about being a dog walker? How about an individual sport like fencing, boxing, tai kwan do, etc.... Something that he can do to feel more positive and self worth. I know agility and parkour classes are big right now and a lot of fun for teens. |