Mental Illness vs. Abuse

[Anonymous]

At which point do you surpass the "in sickness and in health" and get divorced?

[Anonymous]

When your own health and well-being is being compromised (physically, emotionally, mentally).

There is nothing wrong with divorcing a mentally ill spouse. Maybe they have less control over their behavior, but the effects can be just as detrimental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When your own health and well-being is being compromised (physically, emotionally, mentally).

There is nothing wrong with divorcing a mentally ill spouse. Maybe they have less control over their behavior, but the effects can be just as detrimental.

Do you think it's a different threshold than for physical illness? For example, needing to push your spouse around in a wheelchair limits your life a lot. Same if they need help using the bathroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When your own health and well-being is being compromised (physically, emotionally, mentally).

There is nothing wrong with divorcing a mentally ill spouse. Maybe they have less control over their behavior, but the effects can be just as detrimental.

Do you think it's a different threshold than for physical illness? For example, needing to push your spouse around in a wheelchair limits your life a lot. Same if they need help using the bathroom.

It's different. Someone in a wheelchair can't help but be in a wheelchair. Presumably OP didn't marry their spouse when their mental illness existed or was unmedicated. Which means if their spouse put in the effort to get the proper treatment they could likely return to a better state. Now if op married someone who acts exactly as they do now, op is a bit more at fault but certainly Doesn't mean they have to stay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When your own health and well-being is being compromised (physically, emotionally, mentally).

There is nothing wrong with divorcing a mentally ill spouse. Maybe they have less control over their behavior, but the effects can be just as detrimental.

Do you think it's a different threshold than for physical illness? For example, needing to push your spouse around in a wheelchair limits your life a lot. Same if they need help using the bathroom.

If it really creates a big detriment to the "healthy" spouses life, then yes. Some inconvenience, changes, adapting, no. But completely compromising your own health for someone? No, I wouldn't ask that of anyone.

So the saying goes, "put your own oxygen mask on first."

[Anonymous]

I'm trying to figure that out myself right now, but I highly recommend Lundy Bancroft's book (which I first learned about through a post here). Started with "Why does he do that?" and now reading "Should I stay or should I go?" The latter is probably more practically useful. But I just started it, so I don't have any answers yet.

[Anonymous]

Mental illness does not render a person devoid of all responsibility for their actions unless they are flagrantly psychotic. I know of no mental illness which forces people to be mean, cruel, unkind, despotic, adulterous, or greedy.

[Anonymous]

If my spouse was in a wheelchair because he wouldn't go to PT or take the proper meds, I would have a hard time staying. If every time my spouse was in a wheelchair he ran over my foot or ran into me, I would have a hard time staying.

So even if you are mentally ill, you have a responsibility to take care of yourself and not hurt your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When your own health and well-being is being compromised (physically, emotionally, mentally).

There is nothing wrong with divorcing a mentally ill spouse. Maybe they have less control over their behavior, but the effects can be just as detrimental.

Of course there is something wrong with divorcing a mentally ill spouse. Unless you have marriage vows that said, "In sickness and in health, unless your sickness is mental and makes my life pretty awful..." there is a LOT wrong with dumping a spouse just because of mental illness.

You have depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder and still not be abusive, either verbally or physically. THey are not symptoms of those diseases. If someone has become abusive, that's an issue beyond the illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When your own health and well-being is being compromised (physically, emotionally, mentally).

There is nothing wrong with divorcing a mentally ill spouse. Maybe they have less control over their behavior, but the effects can be just as detrimental.

Do you think it's a different threshold than for physical illness? For example, needing to push your spouse around in a wheelchair limits your life a lot. Same if they need help using the bathroom.

It's different. Someone in a wheelchair can't help but be in a wheelchair. Presumably OP didn't marry their spouse when their mental illness existed or was unmedicated. Which means if their spouse put in the effort to get the proper treatment they could likely return to a better state. Now if op married someone who acts exactly as they do now, op is a bit more at fault but certainly Doesn't mean they have to stay

You have a LOT of ignorance about mental illness. It is no more a choice than being confined to a wheelchair. And you seem to operate under the fantasy that if someone is in treatment for their mental illness, its symptoms disappear. I've been in treatment for depression for 20 years and I'm still very, very depressed sometimes. I am a model patient in many ways, compliant, self-aware, and very hardworking. But we are still in the dark ages regarding mental health treatment and there are no cures or guaranteed effective medications or protocols. There's no "at fault" when it comes to mental illness.

I'm very aware of the reality of many noncompliant patients with mental illness. That's not "at fault", either - it's typically either a symptom of the illness or a very understandable reaction to resisting the very debilitating negative side effects of many treatments. It is certainly understandable that a spouse might eventually choose to leave a person with mental illness who resisted any treatments, just as a spouse might choose to leave a person with a physical disability who refused to even try to help him or herself. But the sick spouse is no more "at fault" for the sickness or disability whether it is physical or mental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When your own health and well-being is being compromised (physically, emotionally, mentally).

There is nothing wrong with divorcing a mentally ill spouse. Maybe they have less control over their behavior, but the effects can be just as detrimental.

Of course there is something wrong with divorcing a mentally ill spouse. Unless you have marriage vows that said, "In sickness and in health, unless your sickness is mental and makes my life pretty awful..." there is a LOT wrong with dumping a spouse just because of mental illness.

You have depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder and still not be abusive, either verbally or physically. THey are not symptoms of those diseases. If someone has become abusive, that's an issue beyond the illness.

I think you're being disingenuous. Proactively working on mental health issues, is different than not.

And those vows are antiqued. We may still utter them today, but in their origin, mental health issues were ignored.

I think it's abusive to bully someone into staying in a marriage in which their own health is being regularly or permanently compromised, by saying "hey you took this vow!"

[Anonymous]

My husband is bipolar and it took a long time of bad psychiatric care to get to that diagnosis. He finally is on medication that works and life is smoother. I actually went to therapy myself to learn how to advocate for self and to set up boundaries. Often people with bipolar will go off meds when they are feeling stable thinking they are fine, and then that sets of a mess. The third time my husband did that he was in a full mania, and did a lot of damage to self, relationship, career, and finances. I told him that I'd be pursuing separation unless he stayed on the meds. That was a year ago and things much better. Another area of concern for me was his drinking on such medication. You are not supposed to drink with the medication he takes. He binged drank and was abusive to me verbally one night after a social event, so I told him that I would not be joining him at any event where he was drinking as I could not risk the abuse. And I followed through. There has been no more drinking for a while.

The thing is you have to get strong yourself and know truly in your heart what your line is that you can live with and what you could not. Tell them what you need and hope the 2 of you can be partners in mental health. Many with mental illnesses do not have insight into their own issues. Read "I'm not sick I don't need help by Dr. Amador. Gives you lots of insight on the best ways to approach and support a mentally ill loved one.

Good luck

[Anonymous]

I would really need to know more about what you are talking about.

Leaving the person because of illness, not okay.

Leaving the person because of manipulation, abuse, constant fighting, irresponsibility...different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would really need to know more about what you are talking about.

Leaving the person because of illness, not okay.

Leaving the person because of manipulation, abuse, constant fighting, irresponsibility...different.

Unfortunately mental illness can also cause these symptoms...

[Anonymous]

I don't care how mentally ill you are or what label you put on it or you being in a wheelchair. You verbally and physically abuse me and I'm gone.

F support. There are too many normal people out there to marry. I'm not about to raise a husband child with defects nor will I live a miserable life.