Mental Illness vs. Abuse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't care how mentally ill you are or what label you put on it or you being in a wheelchair. You verbally and physically abuse me and I'm gone.

F support. There are too many normal people out there to marry. I'm not about to raise a husband child with defects nor will I live a miserable life.

Well, I hope you made that clear when you got married so at least he can dump you without guilt when you get crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care how mentally ill you are or what label you put on it or you being in a wheelchair. You verbally and physically abuse me and I'm gone.

F support. There are too many normal people out there to marry. I'm not about to raise a husband child with defects nor will I live a miserable life.

Well, I hope you made that clear when you got married so at least he can dump you without guilt when you get crazy.

How does one just "get crazy"? I am not being snarky- I'm being serious. My MIL (DH's dad who he's been estranged from for 20 years despite the occasional rambling card that devolves into paranoia quickly) got married around 28, she and DHs dad are about the same age, onset for most things are early 20s, he very clearly has something diagnosable but hasn't been diagnosed. They divorced around early 40s, I'm always trying to understand how it wasn't obvious immediately or at the very least very early on in marriage (before kids) that he was ill. I get hanging in for kids and trying and how you can talk yourself into that- but how do you not know when someone is ill from the beginning? Isn't it odd to come on suddenly in 30s and 40s for most things?

Genuinely curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care how mentally ill you are or what label you put on it or you being in a wheelchair. You verbally and physically abuse me and I'm gone.

F support. There are too many normal people out there to marry. I'm not about to raise a husband child with defects nor will I live a miserable life.

Well, I hope you made that clear when you got married so at least he can dump you without guilt when you get crazy.

How does one just "get crazy"? I am not being snarky- I'm being serious. My MIL (DH's dad who he's been estranged from for 20 years despite the occasional rambling card that devolves into paranoia quickly) got married around 28, she and DHs dad are about the same age, onset for most things are early 20s, he very clearly has something diagnosable but hasn't been diagnosed. They divorced around early 40s, I'm always trying to understand how it wasn't obvious immediately or at the very least very early on in marriage (before kids) that he was ill. I get hanging in for kids and trying and how you can talk yourself into that- but how do you not know when someone is ill from the beginning? Isn't it odd to come on suddenly in 30s and 40s for most things?

Genuinely curious.

A lot of mental illness is environmental and can be triggered by stress, new city, etc.

[Anonymous]

If the person who has the mental illness refuses to get treated for it (I.e., counseling + medication), then that is when you leave them.

While mental illness is something that you cannot blame another person for, you can assess blame if they do nothing about it.

If that is the case, then you have every right to dump them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When your own health and well-being is being compromised (physically, emotionally, mentally).

There is nothing wrong with divorcing a mentally ill spouse. Maybe they have less control over their behavior, but the effects can be just as detrimental.

Of course there is something wrong with divorcing a mentally ill spouse. Unless you have marriage vows that said, "In sickness and in health, unless your sickness is mental and makes my life pretty awful..." there is a LOT wrong with dumping a spouse just because of mental illness.

You have depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder and still not be abusive, either verbally or physically. THey are not symptoms of those diseases. If someone has become abusive, that's an issue beyond the illness.

I think you're being disingenuous. Proactively working on mental health issues, is different than not.

And those vows are antiqued. We may still utter them today, but in their origin, mental health issues were ignored.

I think it's abusive to bully someone into staying in a marriage in which their own health is being regularly or permanently compromised, by saying "hey you took this vow!"

I didn't say that. I said there is something wrong with divorcing a mentally ill spouse...for being mentally ill. Abandoning an ill spouse because of an illness is wrong. At least in my book, according to my sense of morality. Choosing to leave a spouse who is abusive is a different story. That person has already violated the vows to love and cherish you. You are no longer safe. But just for illness? No.

And if vows are antiqued, as you say, people shouldn't say them. Personally, I don't think loyalty to a spouse in sickness and in health has gone out of style.

Please note that I was responding here to your claim that there's nothing wrong with divorcing a spouse because of mental illness. As I said in my original response, abuse is a separate issue from mental illness. Mental illness doesn't cause abuse and is not an excuse for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When your own health and well-being is being compromised (physically, emotionally, mentally).

There is nothing wrong with divorcing a mentally ill spouse. Maybe they have less control over their behavior, but the effects can be just as detrimental.

Do you think it's a different threshold than for physical illness? For example, needing to push your spouse around in a wheelchair limits your life a lot. Same if they need help using the bathroom.

It's different. Someone in a wheelchair can't help but be in a wheelchair. Presumably OP didn't marry their spouse when their mental illness existed or was unmedicated. Which means if their spouse put in the effort to get the proper treatment they could likely return to a better state. Now if op married someone who acts exactly as they do now, op is a bit more at fault but certainly Doesn't mean they have to stay

The nature of a mental illness often makes it extremely difficult for a person suffering to seek help.

[Anonymous]

Even when a spouse gets help, s/he may still be impossible to live with. What then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even when a spouse gets help, s/he may still be impossible to live with. What then?

NP here. My DH suffers from depression. As a PP stated, when you're own mental health and well being are suffering because of your spouse's mental illness, you should feel no obligation to stay.

[Anonymous]

What if the abuse is subtle and the spouse denies doing anything wrong and refuses counseling? Once an abuser always an abuser, or can they change? If my spouse and I divorce, my kids may still be stuck with him 50% of the time and he could be emotionally abusive to them while I'm not around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When your own health and well-being is being compromised (physically, emotionally, mentally).

There is nothing wrong with divorcing a mentally ill spouse. Maybe they have less control over their behavior, but the effects can be just as detrimental.

Do you think it's a different threshold than for physical illness? For example, needing to push your spouse around in a wheelchair limits your life a lot. Same if they need help using the bathroom.

It's different. Someone in a wheelchair can't help but be in a wheelchair. Presumably OP didn't marry their spouse when their mental illness existed or was unmedicated. Which means if their spouse put in the effort to get the proper treatment they could likely return to a better state. Now if op married someone who acts exactly as they do now, op is a bit more at fault but certainly Doesn't mean they have to stay

You don't express your thoughts in a way that suggests you're especially knowledgable about mental health. There are a wide array of psychopathologies that can become manifest later in life. Others get progressively worse. Many, just like spinal cord damage, aren't 'repairable'. Psychopathology isn't a case of negligence on the part of the afflicted. Even depression, which is what I'm assuming you're thinking of, can be much harder to control than a few simple visits to a doc. It is brutal to both sides of a marriage; I'm not saying stay at all costs. I just wanted to throw the idea out there that mental health is far more complex than most people realize.