Unreasonable to limit MIL visit over holidays

[Anonymous]

My MIL wants to come from Thanksgiving until Christmas. She retired to a foreign country and was with us over the holidays last year. Plus, she just came for a 5 week visit in May. The May visit was really rough on me. I'm a WAHM with a nanny watching the 2 younger ones. MIL was constantly interfering with the nanny and I was always running interference (I love my nanny and tried my best to make her life as easy as possible). I would only like MIL to come for 2 weeks max (no more 5 week trips). Am I being unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

Yikes!

No, not unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

No and your nanny doesn't want to deal with her thy long either. I'd seriously consider quitting a family who had a PIA relative coming for extended visits multiple times a year. This is something she should have thought about before choosing to retire so de away. Limit it or resent it Later. Maybe she can rent an apt or airbnb room or something.

[Anonymous]

I was much more tolerant of my parents and my mother-in-laws extended visits before children, but since I end up doing a ton of extra work when any of them come to visit, I had to put my foot down after our children (twins) were born. I now have a limit of one week (actually 8 days since they all travel frequently on senior discounts and travel on the cheapest fares on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, so sometimes have to arrive on Tuesday and depart on Wednesday). I can't really handle taking care of spouse, children and parents for longer than 8 days without becoming extremely short-tempered and frustrated.

I will gladly book them rooms at the hotel 3 blocks from our house for any stays beyond 8 days. Really only applies to my MIL since when my parents come to visit they just tell me to book the plane tickets and they'll reimburse me when they see me. I just have to email them the itinerary and confirmation code so they can get boarding passes. So I control exactly how long my parents visit.

[Anonymous]

Not if she's being difficult rather than helpful.

[Anonymous]

Holy shit. I wouldn't be able to handle a MIL for so long. My own mother would probably start getting on my nerves. I think 2 weeks is a reasonable time limit.

[Anonymous]

Perfectly reasonable to say no.

What does DH say? And did he do anything to help the situation in May? Does he take the lead on communicating with his mom?

[Anonymous]

OP here. DH is perfectly fine with the long visits because he just ignores his mother. I've tried to explain that it effects my work days and end up looking like the bad guy. MIL is partially helpful but oversteps ALL. THE. TIME. She will put the 1 year old in bed with her. Let the older two wake up at 5 am to start playing. Will Feng Shui the house when I'm not paying attention (hang crazy stuff up, moves stuff around without permission). She'll cook but leave a huge mess in my kitchen. It will take me hours to clean up. After she left in May, it took me 5 hours to deep clean my small kitchen. It's so much extra work. I've asked to limit the trip to Thanksgiving only and reserve Christmas for my out of town family (my stepfather is dying of cancer and I want/need to be flexible if my own mother would like to visit).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is perfectly fine with the long visits because he just ignores his mother. I've tried to explain that it effects my work days and end up looking like the bad guy. MIL is partially helpful but oversteps ALL. THE. TIME. She will put the 1 year old in bed with her. Let the older two wake up at 5 am to start playing. Will Feng Shui the house when I'm not paying attention (hang crazy stuff up, moves stuff around without permission). She'll cook but leave a huge mess in my kitchen. It will take me hours to clean up. After she left in May, it took me 5 hours to deep clean my small kitchen. It's so much extra work. I've asked to limit the trip to Thanksgiving only and reserve Christmas for my out of town family (my stepfather is dying of cancer and I want/need to be flexible if my own mother would like to visit).

Hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is perfectly fine with the long visits because he just ignores his mother. I've tried to explain that it effects my work days and end up looking like the bad guy. MIL is partially helpful but oversteps ALL. THE. TIME. She will put the 1 year old in bed with her. Let the older two wake up at 5 am to start playing. Will Feng Shui the house when I'm not paying attention (hang crazy stuff up, moves stuff around without permission). She'll cook but leave a huge mess in my kitchen. It will take me hours to clean up. After she left in May, it took me 5 hours to deep clean my small kitchen. It's so much extra work. I've asked to limit the trip to Thanksgiving only and reserve Christmas for my out of town family (my stepfather is dying of cancer and I want/need to be flexible if my own mother would like to visit).

Hotel.

Good idea. Also this is DH's mother. This person is primarily HIS guest. This woman wouldn't be visiting you unless you lived with her son!
Therefore, she must be primarily HIS responsibility.
He must set ground rules.
-Kids sleeping locations and times are set. She does not change them
-Furniture arrangements, wall hangings are set. She is not to move them.
-She leaves a mess in the kitchen? HE CLEANS IT UP.

Also, you have my blessing to pick up and leave this nonsense with or without your husband to go visit you own family, including your dying stepfather, for Christmas.

Ugh. My sympathies, OP. You really need to sit down with DH and work this out. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP again. MIL doesn't have the financial resources to stay in a hotel (hence the reason she retired back to her home country). DH and I have just started marriage counseling (initiated by me) to address this issue and a few others areas. However, MIL is demanding an answer right away and threatening not come. There isn't an opportunity to work through this with the counselor.

We sat down last night to discuss this. Anytime I bring up his mother, he becomes super defensive and treats me like the bad guy. He agreed to limit the visit to Thanksgiving to save Christmas for my family but proposes sender her to his sister's house every weekend (which still causes me a ton of extra work during my busy work week).

[Anonymous]

Craigslist sublet for a stay that long.

[Anonymous]

If his sister is local enough, why can't you split her visit up? Not weekends there, but maybe the reverse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. MIL doesn't have the financial resources to stay in a hotel (hence the reason she retired back to her home country). DH and I have just started marriage counseling (initiated by me) to address this issue and a few others areas. However, MIL is demanding an answer right away and threatening not come. There isn't an opportunity to work through this with the counselor.

We sat down last night to discuss this. Anytime I bring up his mother, he becomes super defensive and treats me like the bad guy. He agreed to limit the visit to Thanksgiving to save Christmas for my family but proposes sender her to his sister's house every weekend (which still causes me a ton of extra work during my busy work week).

Let her make her choice. No answer as of now, or she can choose not to come at all.

[Anonymous]

SIL is single and has a demanding job. She lives about 2 hours round trip (because there's a ferry ride involved). My husband's family isn't from this area--we all relocated in the last 2 years for jobs. Being near his sister is a plus.