How many times to do deal with a mentally ill parent?

[Anonymous]

MIL was recently committed again. This is the 8th or 9th time in 13 years. She goes off her meds, goes crazy, makes insanely bad or costly decisions, endangers others, gets committed, and then goes off her meds again. She even admitted this time around that she knows she should stay on her meds.

This woman has caused the biggest fights in my marriage. Seriously, she has nearly ended it more than once due to her crazy and the stress it causes. H has defended and forgiven her over and over again for her actions. He let her back in our home and near or children despite the fact that she has been around them while she was secretly off her meds.

After this last round, H swears he is done with her. That we will work to get her committed and back on track and then we are finished. But when I asked him to promise that she should would never be allowed to stay in our home again (she lives out of state), he hesitated.

So those who have been there/done that was a very mentally ill parent (schizophrenia, bi-polar, etc) - did you ever end the relationship? Or at least severally restrict it? How many times did it take? Or are you never really able to let go? Is this just a fact of my life from here on out? My kids are old enough that even they are figuring these things out, and that just makes this all twice as hard. I don't want them exposed to this, but at the same time, she is their grandmother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL was recently committed again. This is the 8th or 9th time in 13 years. She goes off her meds, goes crazy, makes insanely bad or costly decisions, endangers others, gets committed, and then goes off her meds again. She even admitted this time around that she knows she should stay on her meds.

This woman has caused the biggest fights in my marriage. Seriously, she has nearly ended it more than once due to her crazy and the stress it causes. H has defended and forgiven her over and over again for her actions. He let her back in our home and near or children despite the fact that she has been around them while she was secretly off her meds.

After this last round, H swears he is done with her. That we will work to get her committed and back on track and then we are finished. But when I asked him to promise that she should would never be allowed to stay in our home again (she lives out of state), he hesitated.

So those who have been there/done that was a very mentally ill parent (schizophrenia, bi-polar, etc) - did you ever end the relationship? Or at least severally restrict it? How many times did it take? Or are you never really able to let go? Is this just a fact of my life from here on out? My kids are old enough that even they are figuring these things out, and that just makes this all twice as hard. I don't want them exposed to this, but at the same time, she is their grandmother.

If you became ill in middle and old age, would you be cool with your son writing you out of his life because of the symptoms of your illness? Would you teach your kids that it is okay to abandon a sick person because their illness is just too difficult? Because that's what you're advocating.

Your DH loves his mom. She raised him. He probably had a really, really hard childhood. Drawing healthy boundaries is good. Abandoning is not.

And yes, I have dealt with this. My brother was bipolar and I lived with his highs, lows, and everything in between until he died from bipolar disorder by suicide. My mother is also likely bipolar though it usually manifests as deep, deep depression. I have had to draw a lot of boundaries with her because she makes choices that are really destructive and hurtful to me. But I don't abandon her. It's a struggle always, and I have needed a lot of support and therapy. But most of us don't get to choose our families, and I know for sure that neither she nor my brother chose the illnesses that befell them.

Your kids will learn compassion and grace and understanding in how you deal with their mentally ill grandmother. They will learn that they don't have to be perfect to be loved or worthy of love. Imagine if one of your kids inherited her mental illness, and then remembered how everyone abandoned their grandmother because she was crazy. How would that make them feel in terms of their own illness?

[Anonymous]

I think you misread my post. H wants to cut her off. I don't think he will - in fact, I know he won't based on his response when I asked him to promise that she could not longer stay in our home. What I care about is that H no longer be stressed constantly by her behavior and that she not be allowed to stay in our home (truly, I am scared of that - she has done some very bad and disturbing this and if she continues to stay in my home, locks will be put on bedroom doors).

I want to know if anyone actually got to the point where they really did cut their parent off. Or at least put severe restrictions on their relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP here - that should say disturbing things.

Please don't make me out to be the bad guy here. I care about my H's happiness and my kid's safety (again, she has done things that make me worry about our safety). You are making a lot of assumptions about my husband's relationship with his mother and my feelings about her.

[Anonymous]

Ok, I think it's the best decision not to let her stay at your house because she's a danger to others.

That's different from cutting off all contact, which seems like it would leave MIL without anyone to look after her.

Read the book I'm Not Crazy, I Don't Need Help, for practical advice on trying to get her help.

And talk to her psychiatrist about long lasting anti psychotic drug injections because they make it much easier to make sure she's compliant with medication. It's 1 shot every 2-4 weeks.

Good luck, it's a tough road.

[Anonymous]

I agree. I wouldn't cut her off.I don't think you or your husband should abandon his mother, she's ill. That said, i wouldn't allow her around my kids.

If after you set this boundary, your husband is letting her come over, I'd take the kids out for the day or go visit elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you misread my post. H wants to cut her off. I don't think he will - in fact, I know he won't based on his response when I asked him to promise that she could not longer stay in our home. What I care about is that H no longer be stressed constantly by her behavior and that she not be allowed to stay in our home (truly, I am scared of that - she has done some very bad and disturbing this and if she continues to stay in my home, locks will be put on bedroom doors).

I want to know if anyone actually got to the point where they really did cut their parent off. Or at least put severe restrictions on their relationship.

PP above here. I'm sorry to say that I don't think it's possible for your husband to not be stressed by his mother's behavior. It's just the nature of having someone in your immediate family with a debilitating mental illness. It's not fair and it's really, really horrible. But if you have the hope that you can protect him from tress, I don't think it's realistic.

I do think it's healthy to set boundaries such as saying she can no longer stay in your home while her symptoms are so unstable. Does she live with you, or are you talking about visits?

I did get to the point that I have severe restrictions on my contact with my mom. She lives 300 miles away in assisted living. I call her a couple of times a week, sometimes more, but I only visit her every few months. It is too draining and exhausting. She has come to visit me once since I had a child and that was okay, but it was only for 4 days and I was really strict with her about what I would allow and said I would drive her home immediately if she did not cooperate. I know it sounds harsh, but it was over Christmas and i was not going to let her ruin my son's Christmas as she had ruined all of mine. Thankfully, she was well enough to cooperate and we had an okay visit. I'm not sure I can ever do it again, though. Too hard.

[Anonymous]

I don't think cutting the mom off is necessary or right, but I do think you should have some restrictions, including no visits to your house and no time with your kids if she's not complying with her treatment regimen. You need to be safe and keep your kids safe, but there is space in there for your husband to maintain a relationship with his mother. You can visit her but not have her visit you, for example.

[Anonymous]

I would cut her off. She will not be incentivized to adhere to her treatment plan if she's not punished in some way. Sorry, lived and breathed this, save your BS for someone who is buying it. There is only one way to handle these situations. She can come back after she has learned.